A New Kid, Day 3

For Wednesday, or in my case, Friday, Dr. Lehman asks, "What kind of parenting style do you have? How does your child respond to this parenting style?" The two parenting styles outlined in the book are permissive and authoritarian. Looking at the two styles, I cannot say that I am one or the other. I can see myself in both examples. This can't be good! I must really be sending mixed messages to my kids! Ugh! I know that I need to let my five year old do more things on her own, like pick out her own clothes for school, pour her own juice, and so forth. I also need to be more consistent. And, say what I mean and mean what I say.
As for how my children respond to this style, sometimes they respond well, sometimes they don't. That's the major problem here, I haven't found a style that seems to work all the time, or, at least, most of the time.

Lehman also asks, "How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?" I can respect my children enough to allow them some freedoms and choices. Further, I can stop the yelling, while still sticking to my guns. I need to make sure the punishment fits the crime, so to speak, and that it is swift and consistent each time.

Finally, Lehman asks, "In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?" The first thing would be to set aside some more family time that doesn't involve running from one sports practice/game to the next. Another way to emphasize relationship is to model respect and love by the way my husband and I treat it each other and those around us. Also, I need to be sure to talk to my kids, not just ask them questions.


Day Three Outcome:

Today went pretty well. Zoe came home from school in a grumpy attitude, but I didn't let it fly. I told her once not to be unkind to her sister, I walked away and expected her to listen. She did. The girls brought home report cards and I made sure to encourage their efforts and not just praise them for getting good grades. I made sure to point out how their hard work had paid off. I feel pretty good about today.

Being a Good Sport

Being a Good Sport
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/24/2010

Softball season has started, and my weekdays and weekends are filled with practices and games. I have three girls and each of them is in a different level of softball from t-ball to junior softball. The schedule is crazy, but the girls have so much fun and are learning a lot about the game and teamwork that it is worth it to me. The only thing that I wonder is the motivations of some of the parents. That is, why do we sign our kids up for sports? Because we want them to play or because they want to?
No matter what your child's sport is: baseball, softball, football, soccer and so on, be sure that he is playing for the right reason. I have seen many a little girl throughout my years as a softball mom who had no business being on the field. The reason being that she didn't want to be. Her parents for whatever reason signed her up, and she had no interest in the game or desire to play. I have watched as the parents of such girls push their little champ until she gets upset. Then, the parent gets upset, and nobody wins. Not the parents, not the child, and certainly not the team. So, if your child does not want to play, don't force her. There is no lesson to be learned there. Find something else that peaks her interest.
When supporting your child's sports activities, remember that the main objective is for your child to have fun, and hopefully learn the values of teamwork and competition. Not everyone can be a superstar, and you mustn't put too much pressure on your child. Putting undue pressure on them sucks all the fun out of it. Not only that, it makes the child nervous and may negatively affect his self-esteem if he feels like he cannot live up to your high expectations.
If your child strikes out or the team loses, so what! As long as he had fun playing, your job is done. Be a good sport; this is a valuable lesson to pass on to your child.
Finally, do not be one of those parents who feels that her kid is the best and should start every game and who gets upset when the coach puts her on the bench or out in the outfield.
The coach's job is to teach the fundamentals of the game and to give every kid a chance. If your child really is that good, when he gets older, he will spend little time on the bench and will have the chance to showcase his talents—like when he's in high school, not Little League.
To recap, sports are fun and putting your child in a sport can be very rewarding for you and for your child. Just remember that you need to sign her up for the right sport, the one she is interested in. She should play for herself, not for you. Likewise, keep the pressure off. Let her have fun, learn the game and watch her blossom!

Beyond Stranger Danger

Beyond Stranger Danger
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/17/2010

Upon discovering that my eleven year old daughter was getting up in the wee hours of the morning and logging on to Facebook, my husband and I decided to deactivate her account and change the e-mail address the account was linked to so she could not get back in. We had already deactivated it before this, but she figured out a way to get her account reactivated by having a new password sent to her e-mail address. We figured this out, finally, and, hopefully, have put a stop to early morning Facebook use. During this ordeal, we also discovered that she was friends with an astonishing number of older teenage kids and had several pending friend requests for individuals that she did not even know. Further, there were several inappropriate posts on her page made by her so-called friends. My daughter failed to see that having friends on Facebook that you don't know in real life is dangerous. We had tried to explain this to her before we allowed her to open a Facebook account, but, apparently, she hadn't gotten the message. There was a clear disconnect here.
I have two younger daughters and, although they are much to young to have a Facebook account, we felt that the message we wanted to convey to our oldest daughter was applicable to our younger two daughters, as well. We explained that there are bad people who lurk on Facebook and other social networking sites and pose as young kids to try and find young kids and possibly do harm to them. We explained that it is very easy to pretend that you are a fifteen year old girl when really you are an adult man. We further explained that posting pictures of yourself and describing things in your life, like playing in a softball game or going to a specific school, makes it all the more easy for a bad person to find you if he wants to. I think my oldest finally got it. She is no longer allowed to have a Facebook account at all until she's older; we are not taking any chances.
As my younger two daughters sat and listened to this, I could see that they were a little concerned but mostly confused since they have little experience with the Internet, let alone Facebook. We conveyed to them that a child always needs to be aware of her surroundings and must never go anywhere or even talk to a stranger for any reason. We discussed a few scenarios and asks the girls to tell us what they would do in certain situations. To my great relief, they seemed to know. We made a point to tell them that they should never accept a ride or go anywhere even with an adult that they know like a teacher or a coach, unless Mommy or Daddy say it's okay. Unfortunately, you never know.
A little while after the discussion, my five year old came up to me crying a little and told me that she was scared about what we were talking about. I felt a little bad, but I would rather her be a little scared than gone. I assuaged her fears by explaining that I was almost always with her, so she was safe. And the times when I wasn't, like at school, as long as she remembered what we had told her she was safe. She stopped crying, smiled, said “okay” and went off to play. It makes me a little sad that a five year old has to live life with a little fear, but we cannot deny the world we live in.

Big Kid Bed

Time for a Big Kid Bed?
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/10/10
Now that your baby is a toddler, is it time for a big kid bed? A big kid bed can be a toddler bed, a twin mattress on the floor or even a twin/full size bed with a rail. But, how do you know when your toddler is ready to leave her crib? There are a few signs to look for that may indicate that your toddler is ready to ditch the crib.
First, the most obvious sign is climbing. If your toddler can or has tried to climb out of his crib, it is time to move him to a big kid bed. Climbing the rails or climbing out of the crib and falling can lead to serious injury. So, if your little one has turned monkey, get her out of the crib!
If your child is potty trained or potty training, it's time to leave the crib. Simply, for the reason that if she has to go potty during nap or bed time, she must be able to get out and get to the potty quickly!
Most parents transition their toddlers to big kid beds between the ages of 11/2 and 3 years old. It really depends on you and your child. Some toddlers are ready at 18 mos., and some kids are happy to stay in their cribs until their potty trained. If you think your child is ready for the transition, there are a few things to consider to help ease him into the big boy bed.
First, if you can take him with your to either pick out the bed or pick out the bedding to put on it. If you aren't buying anything new, let him be there when you put it up, and act super excited about it. Place the new bed, if you can, in the same spot that the crib previously occupied. These steps should help him feel safe and secure and happy about his new bed.
Secondly, be sure that you have a guard rail if you are using a bed that is off the ground. Toddlers can be very active in their sleep and you don't want them to fall out and get hurt! Also, in the vein of safety, install a baby gate at the door to your child's room. Since he can get in and out of bed on his own now, you don't want him to wander out of his room and possibly get hurt in the middle of the night. For the same reason, make sure his room is completely baby-proofed, so if he gets out and plays, he won't get hurt.
Last thought, moving to a big kid bed is a big deal for your toddler..and for you. Make sure you are both ready. Don't worry yourself sick over it or try to push your toddler into a big boy bed if he is not ready to go. Patience, Mom.

A New Kid, Day Two

Well, this morning, I made the mistake of telling my child do brush her hair more than once. I ignored Leman's, principle of "say it once, turn your back and walk away." I knew better; I just couldn't let it go. I didn't want my daughter to go to school looking like she just rolled out of bed. So, I reminded her to brush her hair more than once, and I was treated to exaggerated sighs, grumbles, and an eye roll. Dammit! I know better! Say it once, turn your back and walk away! I will do better next time...

For Tuesday, or in my case, Thursday, Dr. Lehman asks, "What is your attitude towards your kids? How does your behavior reveal your attitude?" My attitude towards my kids is generally one of acceptance; however, I tend to get impatient with them and react rather than respond to some of their transgressions. I raise my voice too much and this behavior conveys a negative attitude, which, in turn, helps to foster a negative attitude in my children.

Dr. Lehman asks, "What changes do you need to make in your behavior toward your children?" First, I need to respond rather than react. If Peyton yells at Tommy, I need to respond by calming telling her not to yell and, then, calming disciplining her if she fails to listen. What I do not need to do is react to her yelling by yelling! Duh! Furthermore, I need to stick to my guns. That is, as Dr. Lehman puts it, "B cannot happen until A is completed." For example, if I ask Isabelle to put away her clothes, and she fails to do so, I do not take her to softball practice until it's done, even if we end up being late...A must be completed, before B happens. This is a hard one to stick to, but I think it is one of the most important principles Dr. Leman teaches in the book.

Finally, Dr. Lehman asks, "What kind of character do you want to be known for? How can you get there?" I obviously want to be known as a person of good character. That is, someone who is dependable, honest, courageous, and kind. So, I must be all of these things, not just for myself but for my children. Afterall, character is most important for parents; the ultimate goal of any parent is to raise thoughtful, hardworking, honest children who will become thoughtful, hardworking, honest adults.

Day Two Outcome:
I continued to use (mostly), Leman's "say it once, turn your back and walk away" technique today with some success. I did fall back into old habits a few times and "get after" the girls to do something that I had asked. I feel a little bad about that, but, at the same time, I feel good that I now recognize the habit and am working to change. Further, I realized today that, sometimes, due to tiredness and/or frustration that I am sometimes short with the kids and am coming across as such. I can now see this attitude mirrored in the girls. This I must change.
Overall, I consider today a success. I am looking forward to tomorrow, though, I must admit I am looking forward with a little trepidation because this is not easy. But, I know that it's worth it.

A New Kid, Day One

In the hopes to change the attitudes of my children, particularly my oldest child, a mouthy 11 year old, I am reading Dr. Kevin Lemam's book, Have a New Kid by Friday and putting his strategies into practice. Dr. Lehman's approach is a five-day program that designed to begin on Monday and guarantees a "new kid" by Friday. As today is Wednesday, I guess I will see my new kid emerge on Sunday.

On Monday, the parent is supposed to observe what is going on in the house and decide what areas in your relationship with your child really bother you. Further, the parent is instructed to think about the things she wants to change.
--In my house there is entirely too much fighting among the girls, particularly my oldest two, ages 11 and 8. Furthermore, I feel that my 11 year old does not respect me. She doesn't listen, she talks back. And I feel that I am somehow failing her and that she will not "turn out" the way I envisioned. I feel that my relationship with her is strained, and I don't always know how to effectively communicate with her.
I would like to have less fighting and yelling in my house. I would like my kids to respect me and do what I say the first time. I would like them to be kinder to each other.

Monday also calls for committing to taking the bull by the horns and expecting great things to happen.
--I am ready.


Day One outcome:

In the book, Leman talk's about reality disciplining, which basically means doing nothing and letting the child learn the hard way. For example, instead of reminding your child over and over to do her homework, let her suffer the real-life consequences of not getting it done (lowered grade, scolding from the teacher).
I tried this today with my girls. It seems that every morning I am constantly chasing after them to get ready for school. I usually remind them of the time, over and over, so they won't miss the bus. This technique generally results in complaining and makes an unpleasant morning for all. Also, I inspect my daughter's room in the morning, and give them a score based on the room's cleanliness. A passing score earns the girls allowance and TV/Wii time. I usually remind them in the morning, and, again, chase after them in order for them to get it done before the bus comes. Not this morning, this morning, I said nothing. I woke them up cheerfully and had breakfast with them. I said nothing about the time, and, ya know what? They were ready with time to spare! They did not, however, manage to clean their room. This resulted in a 0, which means no TV, no Wii, Gameboy, etc. When they arrived home and asked to watch TV, I calmly said no because they failed room inspection. Then, I turned my back and began preparing dinner. This is another of Leman's techniques: "say it once, turn your back and walk away." I was expecting an argument or whining, but it didn't happen. The girls just accepted the consequences, and we all had a very pleasant evening. Day One was a success!!!