I Choose Not to Get Involved: A New Kid, Day ?

Okay, so, somewhere between softball games and the terrible twos, I lost track of the days of my little Leman experiment. Oh, well, I say. The important thing is, I am still sticking to it.

Per Leman's advice, I have chosen to no longer get involved in sibling rivalry. That is, when my girls argue (fight) with each other, call names, or, in general, get on each other's nerves, I stay out of it. Getting in the middle only makes matters worse, and someone always ends up getting mad at me! So, I simply do not get involved. When one of my girls comes to me whining that her sister took her shirt or borrowed her nail polish or won't pick up her side of the room or whatever sort of drama is going on, I simply tell the child, "I'm not getting involved. You two work it out." And, you know what? This strategy workds! Yes, they still argue, but they do figure out a way to work whatever it is out, and I don't have to be the bad guy! I've been doing this for several days now, and (pinch me!), the girls have been arguing A LOT less!

Along these same lines, when I hear the girls being rude to each other or calling names, I don't intervene. Like a spider, I just wait patiently in my web for the correct moment to strike. At some point the child will want something from me or will want to do something, and that is the moment I get them! Muhhaha! For example, yesterday Isabelle and Peyton (my second and third daughters) were cleaning their room and were particularly catty to each other. I listened but said nothing. After the room was clean, they emerged and asked to watch TV. I replied, "I'm sorry, girls, but you cannot watch TV because I didn't like the way you were treating each other while you were cleaning your room. You were very mean to each other, and that is not acceptable in this family." You should have seen their mouths drop! But, what came out of those mouths? Nothing! Not a whine, not a protest. They accepted what I had said without argument. Cue the Hallelujah chorus, please!

One Day at a Time (New Kid, Day 7)

Since finishing the "new kid" section of Dr. Leman's book, I have been diligently putting the principles into practice and with much success. However, it has not been easy. My biggest issue, I think, is my affinity for threats and warnings. That is, I often find myself saying to one of my kids, "if you don't do this...." or "if you do that one more time..." I had a moment like that yesterday with my middle daughter, and as the warning was coming out of my mouth, I knew I shouldn't be saying it. According, to Leman, you should never threaten or give your child any warnings. But, I just could not stop myself. It was like verbal diarrhea, I just couldn't control it! Other than that, the past few days have gone really well. Though, I must admit that we've been so busy shuffling around from one softball game to the next, that it's hard to really say.

Tonight, I had another incident, again with my middle daughter (I'm sensing a pattern here); I told the girls to brush their teeth and get ready for bed. My middle child proceeded to completely ignore me and putz around the house. I could feel myself growing angry and, again, I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't (or didn't). I yelled at her. She, then, gave me a look and stomped off to her room. I knew I shouldn't, but I followed her in there and started to lecture her. In the midst of my lecture, I realized how utterly stupid I was being. She wasn't listening to a damn thing I was saying, and I knew it. I slunk out of the room feeling like I was right back at square one.

I sat and thought for a few minutes and decided that maybe I could salvage things a bit. Maybe the situation wasn't totally beyond repair. So, I went back into my daughter's room and apologized for yelling at her. I explained to her how she made me feel when she didn't listen to me. And, ya know what? I think she finally was really listening to me. I kissed her goodnight. And, she said, "I love you, Mom."
This made me feel good. I am human, and I will mess up. But, I have a newfound confidence now in knowing that if I fail to follow through with Leman's teachings sometimes, it doesn't mean that I am a failure as a Mom. And, my kids don't love me any less for it. And, like they say in rehab (not that I've ever been): "One day at a time."

A New Kid, Day 5

Well, today is supposed to be the last day, Fun Day, as Dr. Leman calls it. But, I gotta tell ya, today feels more like the first day than the last day. This past week, I've been reading (and rereading) the book and trying my best to follow the techniques as prescribed. And, yes, I've had much success. But, no, I don't feel like I have "new kids," and, ya know what? That's okay. I feel like I have learned a lot and now have the tools I need to become a more effective parent and to begin enjoying family life a lot more. So, to the esteemed Dr. Leman I'd like to say, thank you for this book and for the wonderful ideas withing, but do not pretend that you can generate a new brand of child in five measly days. However, what you can do, and what you did for me, was give me the confidence and the guidance to make positive changes in my kids, and more importantly, in myself.

For Friday, Leman just asks parents to review the principles and think of the changes that you want to make. Done, and done. Now, he says, "get ready, get set, go!" See, I think, even he knows that the last day isn't really the last day--it's the first day!

At the end of the book, Dr. Leman lists several different issues that parents face from allowance to sibling rivalry and gives his advice on how to handle such situations. I will be looking at each of these (or at least the ones that apply to me), and I will try them out and let you know how it goes. So, let's begin...

A New Kid, Day 4

For Thursday (Saturday), Leman's asks parents to consider how they can show their child unconditional acceptance and how parents can emphasize belonging in the family.
---I have to say that in this area, I don't think I am in need of much improvement. I know that sounds a bit conceited, but I do think it's true. Leman says that kids need to feel like they belong as part of the family and suggests that parents can instill this sense of belonging by listening to their kids opinions and by giving the some input in decision-making. I do these things already and then some. My girls are kids of divorce and, as such, have gone through a lot of changes in their short little lives. Further, they now have a new stepdad, and, thus, we have become a new family. Because of this fact, I am always aware of their need to belong and to feel accepted. I know that they need to feel like they belong in this new family, and, further, I have tried to make them feel like that have had an important part in creating it. We have family game nights, movie nights, and outings, and the girls are able to make some decisions in respect to what we play on family games nights or what movie we watch, or, even how we spend our Saturday together.

Lehman asks parents, "In what ways can you spur your child on to Competence?"
---Again, I think I am doing this pretty well in my family. The girls have chores and this sense of responsibility will lead to Competence. Further, I make sure to notice when the girls do something around the house or otherwise without being asked.

Finally, Leman asks parents to think about the difference between praise and encouragement and asks parents to think about an encouraging thing to say to her child today.
---Basically, praise compliments the person while encouragement compliments the act. Today, Isabelle played catcher at her softball game. Her throws were spot-on and, overall, she did a great job. After the game, I told her that I thought she did a great job, and I pointed out to her that all that practice with her team and with me and Zoe in the backyard really paid off. I think now she realizes what becomes of hard work and will continue to work hard, and more importantly, will want to.

Day Four Outcome:
Today was a huge success! We spent almost the whole day at the fields. Each of the girls had a game today, one right after the other. This gave us the opportunity to support the daughter/sister playing in the game together as a family. In the midst of Izzy's game, Peyton wanted to go play on the playground, but I reminded her that we are a family and that we support each other. Zoe and Isabelle did a great job of supporting each other today. They cheered for each other and Zoe gave Isabelle some pointers and a whole lot of encouragement. I was a very proud Mama today!