What I learned from my son's meth addiction and death.
10 months ago
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sending out the Search Party
If I could only give one piece of advice to a new mom, it would be this: don't get lost. Don't get lost. It is too easy to lose yourself in the shuffle of diapers and cleaning and laundry and playdates and lunches and backpacks, etc. Till one day you look around and you wonder, where did I go? Where is that woman I once knew? I don't see her anywhere! You look around your place and all you see our representations of your kids, their toys, their pictures, their drawings, their messes...just them. No you. I think I lost myself somewhere back in 2001 or maybe 2002. I'm sending out the search party.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Different is Good
Encourage your Child to be Different
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/24/10:
Peer pressure is something that we all deal with almost all the time. Ever look at your neighbor's lawn and compare it to yours? You don't want your lawn to look any less green or maintained than your neighbor's, right? If you think about it, that's peer pressure. It's subtle, but it is a form of peer pressure, nonetheless. Have you ever gone to party for your boss or a co-worker even though you really did not want to go, but you thought that you should? Ever pitch in for flowers or a gift for a coworker you don't like just because everyone else in the office was pitching in? Peer pressure is a reality, and it never really goes away, but when you are a teenager or a preteen, the pressure to fit in, to be like everyone else can be exhausting, scary, and, even, dangerous. So, how do you help your child through this difficult stage in her life? Encourage your child to be different.
Luckily, we live in a society in which individuality is generally celebrated. It's okay not to be like everybody else. Let your child know this, and encourage her to be her own person at every turn. This will help your child to learn who she really is and what really matters to her. This, in turn, will boost self-esteem and give her the tools to fight peer pressure.
For example, if your son asks you to buy him a certain pair of shoes because everyone else has them, refuse. Oh yes, your child will think you are mean, but by refusing you are teaching him that he does not have to be like everyone else. Now, if he had asked you for the shoes because he genuinely liked them and they expressed his own style, then, I'd say, go for it. But, if he only wants them because the other guys have him, then, he does not need them. Encourage him to pick out a pair that are unique to him and his style. This will reinforce the notion that different is good, and he is good and worthy. So, maybe when one of his buddies offers him a smoke in the school bathroom, he'll have the strength to say no.
Summing up, encourage your child to be different at every turn. I'm not saying you encourage your daughter to don rainbow-colored hair and a tutu at school, but you encourage her to express herself, to be herself, not to be a photocopy of everybody else. This will help her to realize that she is worthy and will boost self-esteem, making her stronger against peer pressure. Along the same lines, live this idea yourself. Don't buy a minivan because all the other moms on the block have one. Don't put a windmill on your lawn because your neighbor has one in his yard. Instead, be the only house in your neighborhood that decorates for Halloween. Go all out! Show the neighbors who you are; show your kids that different is good. I can't wait for Halloween this year—my neighbors won't know what hit them!
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/24/10:
Peer pressure is something that we all deal with almost all the time. Ever look at your neighbor's lawn and compare it to yours? You don't want your lawn to look any less green or maintained than your neighbor's, right? If you think about it, that's peer pressure. It's subtle, but it is a form of peer pressure, nonetheless. Have you ever gone to party for your boss or a co-worker even though you really did not want to go, but you thought that you should? Ever pitch in for flowers or a gift for a coworker you don't like just because everyone else in the office was pitching in? Peer pressure is a reality, and it never really goes away, but when you are a teenager or a preteen, the pressure to fit in, to be like everyone else can be exhausting, scary, and, even, dangerous. So, how do you help your child through this difficult stage in her life? Encourage your child to be different.
Luckily, we live in a society in which individuality is generally celebrated. It's okay not to be like everybody else. Let your child know this, and encourage her to be her own person at every turn. This will help your child to learn who she really is and what really matters to her. This, in turn, will boost self-esteem and give her the tools to fight peer pressure.
For example, if your son asks you to buy him a certain pair of shoes because everyone else has them, refuse. Oh yes, your child will think you are mean, but by refusing you are teaching him that he does not have to be like everyone else. Now, if he had asked you for the shoes because he genuinely liked them and they expressed his own style, then, I'd say, go for it. But, if he only wants them because the other guys have him, then, he does not need them. Encourage him to pick out a pair that are unique to him and his style. This will reinforce the notion that different is good, and he is good and worthy. So, maybe when one of his buddies offers him a smoke in the school bathroom, he'll have the strength to say no.
Summing up, encourage your child to be different at every turn. I'm not saying you encourage your daughter to don rainbow-colored hair and a tutu at school, but you encourage her to express herself, to be herself, not to be a photocopy of everybody else. This will help her to realize that she is worthy and will boost self-esteem, making her stronger against peer pressure. Along the same lines, live this idea yourself. Don't buy a minivan because all the other moms on the block have one. Don't put a windmill on your lawn because your neighbor has one in his yard. Instead, be the only house in your neighborhood that decorates for Halloween. Go all out! Show the neighbors who you are; show your kids that different is good. I can't wait for Halloween this year—my neighbors won't know what hit them!
Not Just a Number
Stop Focusing on the Numbers
By, Michelle Harmon, as published on 8/14/10:
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published on 8/14/10:
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
Raise a Reader
Raising a Reader
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/17/10:
Every Mom knows that reading is an essential skill for success in school and, let's face it, in life. Any teacher will tell you that the students who score the best on standardized tests, who have the best grades, and who generally like school are good readers. Beyond just the academic benefits of reading, most of us want to rear children who enjoy reading, who want to read because it's fun, not because the teacher or because Mom says they have to. So, how can we, as Moms, raise readers?
First, start them when they are young. From the time your child is born, read to him. Read him books, not just at bedtime, but as often as you can. Further, when you read to him, ask him questions about the pictures, and, as he gets older, ask him questions about the characters, the plot, and the meaning of the story you are reading. You will not only be helping your child to see that reading is fun, but you will helping him to develop comprehension skills by discussing the books.
Next, be a good role model. Read. Let your child see you reading instead of watching TV or sitting in front of the computer. What your children see you do has a much bigger impact on what they do than you probably even realize. Let's think about it. Kids whose parents smoke are much more likely to smoke when they grow up. Likewise, kids whose parents read are much more likely to read than kids whose parents spend their nights in front of the TV. While growing up, my mother was never without a book. I watched her read every night as a child, and, yes, she read to me when I was little. And, guess what? I grew up to be a voracious reader.
Also, take advantage of your local library. Take your kids to the library often to check out books. However, don't stop there. Take your child to fun library events that will help foster the notion that reading is, indeed, fun. Along those same lines, take advantage of the fact that many books are now ending up as movies. If your child loves wants to see the new Ramona movie, read the book with her first. My middle daughter got hooked on the Twilight series after having seen the first movie. Since then, she has read every sequel.
Finally, you might want to consider instituting a reading hour in your house. This is a time when the TV gets turned off, the phone is answered, the computer is off-limits and every member of the family reads. For younger ones, this may be a time when you read to them. For the older kids, this is a time when it's quiet and they get to read a book of their choice, and so do you. Your child may groan the first time you switch off the TV and declare, “reading hour.” But, eventually, she will begin to look forward to this peaceful time together.
Happy Reading!
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/17/10:
Every Mom knows that reading is an essential skill for success in school and, let's face it, in life. Any teacher will tell you that the students who score the best on standardized tests, who have the best grades, and who generally like school are good readers. Beyond just the academic benefits of reading, most of us want to rear children who enjoy reading, who want to read because it's fun, not because the teacher or because Mom says they have to. So, how can we, as Moms, raise readers?
First, start them when they are young. From the time your child is born, read to him. Read him books, not just at bedtime, but as often as you can. Further, when you read to him, ask him questions about the pictures, and, as he gets older, ask him questions about the characters, the plot, and the meaning of the story you are reading. You will not only be helping your child to see that reading is fun, but you will helping him to develop comprehension skills by discussing the books.
Next, be a good role model. Read. Let your child see you reading instead of watching TV or sitting in front of the computer. What your children see you do has a much bigger impact on what they do than you probably even realize. Let's think about it. Kids whose parents smoke are much more likely to smoke when they grow up. Likewise, kids whose parents read are much more likely to read than kids whose parents spend their nights in front of the TV. While growing up, my mother was never without a book. I watched her read every night as a child, and, yes, she read to me when I was little. And, guess what? I grew up to be a voracious reader.
Also, take advantage of your local library. Take your kids to the library often to check out books. However, don't stop there. Take your child to fun library events that will help foster the notion that reading is, indeed, fun. Along those same lines, take advantage of the fact that many books are now ending up as movies. If your child loves wants to see the new Ramona movie, read the book with her first. My middle daughter got hooked on the Twilight series after having seen the first movie. Since then, she has read every sequel.
Finally, you might want to consider instituting a reading hour in your house. This is a time when the TV gets turned off, the phone is answered, the computer is off-limits and every member of the family reads. For younger ones, this may be a time when you read to them. For the older kids, this is a time when it's quiet and they get to read a book of their choice, and so do you. Your child may groan the first time you switch off the TV and declare, “reading hour.” But, eventually, she will begin to look forward to this peaceful time together.
Happy Reading!
Advice for New Moms
New Mom Survival Guide
by, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Arugus, 7/10/10:
This week's column if for you new moms—the ones over the moon gazing over their precious bundles of joy. The ones wondering when their last shower was, who have forgotten the smell of clothes minus spit-up and urine, the ones whose friends wonder if they will ever leave the house! Here's the deal, new Mama, take a shower, yes, fix your hair, and, for God's sake, get out of the house!
Motherhood is wonderful and, let's face it, a little bit scary when you're new at it. If you've ever watched a new mother with her baby, they are very easy to spot—new moms hover over the baby like they are waiting for it to explode or something! And, I'll bet, if you've been around a new mom and her baby, you probably haven't even heard that baby cry! New moms swoop up babies at the first sign of a whimper!
So, new moms, first things first. Babies cry. They cry because they can't talk. They can't tell you what the want, so they cry. When your baby cries, it doesn't always mean she is hungry, so don't whip out the bottle or the boob at every whimper! Sometimes, they cry because they are bored, tired, too warm, too cold, or over-stimulated. Try other things to ease your babies tears, otherwise you may actually end up over-feeding her and exhausting yourself and ending up with both of you being covered in spit-up—again! Get to know your babies cries. They are different. If you let your baby cry a little and really listen to her, you will begin to learn what a hungry cry sounds like as opposed to a wet diaper cry and so on. Babies are supposed to cry; it doesn't make you a baby mother.
Next, you have got to get yourself out of the house a little. If you're a nursing mom, this may take a little more finesse and preparation, but you can do it. I'm not suggesting you go out and paint the town red or anything. Just enlist the help of Daddy or Grandma or another dependable sitter and go get your nails down, have lunch with a girlfriend, or even just go to the grocery store by yourself. I used to love to just go to Starbucks and sit with a latte and a good book for a few hours by myself when my kids were newborns; it worked to calm me down and learn to really love being a mom. These little outings will do and your baby some good. It's much easier to enjoy your baby and motherhood, in general, when you allow yourself to still be you.
Also, accept help. It does not mean that you aren't a good mom if your mother comes over and cleans the house for you while you get some much needed shut eye. It speaks nothing of your skills as a mother if your neighbor brings you a casserole, so you don't have to worry about cooking dinner. Don't set yourself up for, what I like to call, Super Mom burn-out, from the very beginning! Ask for help if you need it, and, for Heaven's sake, accept it if it is offered!
Finally, don't spend gobs of money on baby clothes—they grow out of them really fast! Do take lots of pictures; don't worry yourself over every little cry or whimper or (later on) skinned knee. Do realize how blessed you are and enjoy the ride...
by, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Arugus, 7/10/10:
This week's column if for you new moms—the ones over the moon gazing over their precious bundles of joy. The ones wondering when their last shower was, who have forgotten the smell of clothes minus spit-up and urine, the ones whose friends wonder if they will ever leave the house! Here's the deal, new Mama, take a shower, yes, fix your hair, and, for God's sake, get out of the house!
Motherhood is wonderful and, let's face it, a little bit scary when you're new at it. If you've ever watched a new mother with her baby, they are very easy to spot—new moms hover over the baby like they are waiting for it to explode or something! And, I'll bet, if you've been around a new mom and her baby, you probably haven't even heard that baby cry! New moms swoop up babies at the first sign of a whimper!
So, new moms, first things first. Babies cry. They cry because they can't talk. They can't tell you what the want, so they cry. When your baby cries, it doesn't always mean she is hungry, so don't whip out the bottle or the boob at every whimper! Sometimes, they cry because they are bored, tired, too warm, too cold, or over-stimulated. Try other things to ease your babies tears, otherwise you may actually end up over-feeding her and exhausting yourself and ending up with both of you being covered in spit-up—again! Get to know your babies cries. They are different. If you let your baby cry a little and really listen to her, you will begin to learn what a hungry cry sounds like as opposed to a wet diaper cry and so on. Babies are supposed to cry; it doesn't make you a baby mother.
Next, you have got to get yourself out of the house a little. If you're a nursing mom, this may take a little more finesse and preparation, but you can do it. I'm not suggesting you go out and paint the town red or anything. Just enlist the help of Daddy or Grandma or another dependable sitter and go get your nails down, have lunch with a girlfriend, or even just go to the grocery store by yourself. I used to love to just go to Starbucks and sit with a latte and a good book for a few hours by myself when my kids were newborns; it worked to calm me down and learn to really love being a mom. These little outings will do and your baby some good. It's much easier to enjoy your baby and motherhood, in general, when you allow yourself to still be you.
Also, accept help. It does not mean that you aren't a good mom if your mother comes over and cleans the house for you while you get some much needed shut eye. It speaks nothing of your skills as a mother if your neighbor brings you a casserole, so you don't have to worry about cooking dinner. Don't set yourself up for, what I like to call, Super Mom burn-out, from the very beginning! Ask for help if you need it, and, for Heaven's sake, accept it if it is offered!
Finally, don't spend gobs of money on baby clothes—they grow out of them really fast! Do take lots of pictures; don't worry yourself over every little cry or whimper or (later on) skinned knee. Do realize how blessed you are and enjoy the ride...
Belonging
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, Sat. July 3, 2010:
Belonging at Home
By, Michelle Harmon
It's summer. The kids are out of school, and if your house is anything like mine, your preteen or teen spends very little time at home. Last week, I think my daughter treated our home like a Motel 8. She came home to sleep and maybe eat an occasional meal or two, then, she was gone, again. And, I got to thinking, this can't be good.
It isn't. Of course we want our kids to have fun and make friends, but kids have to understand that there first priority is to the their family. How can your child contribute to the family when he's gone most of the time? Even more than that, if your child isn't home long enough for you to spend quality time together and really get to know each other, then how will you foster a sense of belonging in your child? Think of your family like an elite club, like the American Legion or the Moose Lodge, if the members never show up for events or to pay their dues, then they are going to care very little about the other members, about the club itself, and they will not really belong to the club. Same thing in families.
As parents (or Lodge presidents), we have to ensure that each member contributes in some way and that each member feels special. We want our members to continue their membership year after year, right? We want our kids to know that no matter what, they are always are part of the family, and they can always come home, right?
So, the next time your child wants to go out for the third night in a row, think twice. Spend some time with her instead. Yes, she may object, at first, but eventually, she'll realize just how important she is to you and to the family. She will know that she has an important place with you and her siblings. Then, she may even decide that she wants to spend some time with just the family, the elite club that not everybody gets to be a part of.
Belonging at Home
By, Michelle Harmon
It's summer. The kids are out of school, and if your house is anything like mine, your preteen or teen spends very little time at home. Last week, I think my daughter treated our home like a Motel 8. She came home to sleep and maybe eat an occasional meal or two, then, she was gone, again. And, I got to thinking, this can't be good.
It isn't. Of course we want our kids to have fun and make friends, but kids have to understand that there first priority is to the their family. How can your child contribute to the family when he's gone most of the time? Even more than that, if your child isn't home long enough for you to spend quality time together and really get to know each other, then how will you foster a sense of belonging in your child? Think of your family like an elite club, like the American Legion or the Moose Lodge, if the members never show up for events or to pay their dues, then they are going to care very little about the other members, about the club itself, and they will not really belong to the club. Same thing in families.
As parents (or Lodge presidents), we have to ensure that each member contributes in some way and that each member feels special. We want our members to continue their membership year after year, right? We want our kids to know that no matter what, they are always are part of the family, and they can always come home, right?
So, the next time your child wants to go out for the third night in a row, think twice. Spend some time with her instead. Yes, she may object, at first, but eventually, she'll realize just how important she is to you and to the family. She will know that she has an important place with you and her siblings. Then, she may even decide that she wants to spend some time with just the family, the elite club that not everybody gets to be a part of.
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