Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Cyber Love
Like a lot of parents of a tween (preteen), my twelve-year-old has a Facebook profile. And, yesterday, she posted a list of her "besties" (for those of you who may not know, this is today's hip term for best friend), and I was on her list! My heart did a little jump at the sight of "Mommy" on her bestie list! I know, it sounds, okay, it is a little pathetic, but if you're a parent of a tween girl, like me, you understand that they can be difficult and not so loving a lot of the time. She's always mad at me for something, it seems, no matter how hard I try, so I'll take any affection from her I can get, even if it's generated from the cyber world...
Sleep Update
My daughter is sleeping much better, still taking Melatonin most nights. On average, she has been getting up only once or twice a week, which is a MAJOR improvement. Additionally, when she does wake up, she is not screaming, crying or scared, just a bit disoriented and goes back to bed without much problem. So, phew...
On the other hand, my, now three-year-old son has taken to getting up in the middle of the night and climbing into bed with us. And, right or wrong, I'm not about to kick him out...just yet. I know, I know, if I let this continue, it may become a pattern, and I will have trouble getting him to sleep in his own bed. I, myself, have warned other parents and my readers of the perils of allowing a pattern of co-sleeping to develop. But, he's my youngest child and my last chance to snuggle before he takes flight, so I'll take my chances.
On the other hand, my, now three-year-old son has taken to getting up in the middle of the night and climbing into bed with us. And, right or wrong, I'm not about to kick him out...just yet. I know, I know, if I let this continue, it may become a pattern, and I will have trouble getting him to sleep in his own bed. I, myself, have warned other parents and my readers of the perils of allowing a pattern of co-sleeping to develop. But, he's my youngest child and my last chance to snuggle before he takes flight, so I'll take my chances.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Moving On
Just an FYI, I am moving on from the LaPorte County Herald-Argus and will no longer be writing a column for them. I feel that it is time to get my feet wet elsewhere, so to speak. I will be concentrating more on the blog and also dabbling in other things. Thanks for all your support!
Sleeping a little Better
First, I was glad to hear from a family member about this issue. She has a child going through some similar bedtime battles; it's nice to know I am not alone. You know who you are, so, thanks for that, you!
I am happy to report that things are better. My little one has been taking 3 mg of Melatonin at bedtime, per the doctor. I don't think, chemically, it actually does much. However, psychologically, I think it helps--my little one thinks it will help her sleep better, so she does. I don't like my kids to have to take meds all the time, not even herbal supplements, like melatonin, so, eventually, I will be replacing this pill with a vitamin or some other placebo, and see if it still works. We are not cured of sleeplessness by any means, yet. However, my daughter has slept through 4 of the last 14 nights. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it is huge improvement for her.
I am happy to report that things are better. My little one has been taking 3 mg of Melatonin at bedtime, per the doctor. I don't think, chemically, it actually does much. However, psychologically, I think it helps--my little one thinks it will help her sleep better, so she does. I don't like my kids to have to take meds all the time, not even herbal supplements, like melatonin, so, eventually, I will be replacing this pill with a vitamin or some other placebo, and see if it still works. We are not cured of sleeplessness by any means, yet. However, my daughter has slept through 4 of the last 14 nights. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it is huge improvement for her.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Sleepless in the Harmon Household
My daughter's night waking continues. Every single night for the past few weeks, she has been getting up. Mostly she just gets up, crying and looking anxious, saying that she can't go to sleep. Some nights she talks incoherently about unimportant things. I'm calling the pediatrician this morning.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Night waking
A few years ago, my middle daughter suffered from night terrors. Which, if you don't know, are not the same as nightmares. Nightmares are bad dreams that, sometimes, wake you up. Night terrors, on the other hand, are when a person screams, cries, walks, runs, and so forth while not fully awake, generally feeling scared or even terrified. My daughter used to wake up screaming, talking but making no sense, yelling for me even when I was holding her, and, sometimes, trying to run out of the house. It was frightening. At the time, the doctor told us that he believed she was having night terrors as a result of turmoil in her life. It made sense--her father and I had just divorced, we moved to a new town, she was attending a new school--yes, this was turmoil. The doctor explained that my young daughter was stressed and couldn't deal with all the feelings she was experiencing while awake, so these feelings and stress manifested themselves in the form of night terrors. The doctor indicated that she would probably just grow out of it. She did. After a few months, they simply went away, and she slept fine every night. Now, my same daughter is waking up often at night. She is not having night terrors, thank the Lord. This time, she is getting up, sometimes crying a little bit, sometimes saying she is scared, but mostly just walking around and talking but not making any sense. I cannot think of anything stressful that is occurring in her life or in our family right now. So, I am puzzled. Do some kids just experience sleep-walking and night waking for no real reason?
I Can Do it Myself!
*As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, November 13, 2010:
I Can Do it Myself!
By, Michelle Harmon
If you have a two or three year-old ragamuffin running around your house as I do, chances are you have heard “I can do it myself!” or “I do it!” (my delightful son's exclamation of choice).
Why the sudden determination?
Well, kids at this age are coming into their own, so to speak. Their personalities are becoming more developed, and they are realizing that they do have some power in this big old world surrounding them. So, when your child insists that “she can do it herself,” she's not being defiant. She is simply letting you know that she is not a baby anymore and wants to show you (and herself) that she is not helpless, she's a big girl, now.
If the task at hand is really something you think your child can do, let him. If he wants to pick out his own clothes, let him. So what if he doesn't have a matching outfit? Unless he's going to get his picture taken or he's off to Grandma's, a unmatching outfit isn't going to matter, but he will feel confident in it because he picked it out himself. If he can screw the cap on his sippy cup, let him. These little acts make your child feel important, why not acquiesce?
One thing to keep in mind when letting your little big kid do things himself, is safety. If he says he can give himself a bath, well, obviously that's a safety concern and you can't let him do that. But, you could let him pick out his own pajamas or wash his own belly. And, I'd wait until he was about twelve before I'd let him cook his own mac-n-cheese.
Another consideration is time. If you take your little one to daycare or preschool in the morning, and he has started to want to do things himself, you may want to allow for more time for getting out the door. It takes a toddler much longer to pull on his shirt and shoes and find his book bag than it takes you.
Finally, take heart, Mama. Your little one is growing up and you have to let him start really exploring his world and learning what he can do. Enjoy it. Enjoy watching him put his shoes on the wrong feet or pulling on mismatched socks. Because before you know it, you'll be watching him pulling out of the driveway.
I Can Do it Myself!
By, Michelle Harmon
If you have a two or three year-old ragamuffin running around your house as I do, chances are you have heard “I can do it myself!” or “I do it!” (my delightful son's exclamation of choice).
Why the sudden determination?
Well, kids at this age are coming into their own, so to speak. Their personalities are becoming more developed, and they are realizing that they do have some power in this big old world surrounding them. So, when your child insists that “she can do it herself,” she's not being defiant. She is simply letting you know that she is not a baby anymore and wants to show you (and herself) that she is not helpless, she's a big girl, now.
If the task at hand is really something you think your child can do, let him. If he wants to pick out his own clothes, let him. So what if he doesn't have a matching outfit? Unless he's going to get his picture taken or he's off to Grandma's, a unmatching outfit isn't going to matter, but he will feel confident in it because he picked it out himself. If he can screw the cap on his sippy cup, let him. These little acts make your child feel important, why not acquiesce?
One thing to keep in mind when letting your little big kid do things himself, is safety. If he says he can give himself a bath, well, obviously that's a safety concern and you can't let him do that. But, you could let him pick out his own pajamas or wash his own belly. And, I'd wait until he was about twelve before I'd let him cook his own mac-n-cheese.
Another consideration is time. If you take your little one to daycare or preschool in the morning, and he has started to want to do things himself, you may want to allow for more time for getting out the door. It takes a toddler much longer to pull on his shirt and shoes and find his book bag than it takes you.
Finally, take heart, Mama. Your little one is growing up and you have to let him start really exploring his world and learning what he can do. Enjoy it. Enjoy watching him put his shoes on the wrong feet or pulling on mismatched socks. Because before you know it, you'll be watching him pulling out of the driveway.
More Than it Hurts You
*As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, October 30, 2010:
This is Gonna Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You
By, Michelle Harmon
“This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.” You've heard this expression, right? Probably when you were a kid, and it was most likely followed by a sharp whack to the behind, right? Yes, me and my behind remember this expression all to well. I was thinking of it the other day when my eldest daughter told a lie, and my husband and I were disciplining her.
No, we didn't spank her. Spanking, in my opinion, is outdated, ineffective and more about punishment than about actually learning something. I want my kids to learn from their mistakes, so I discipline them, I don't punish them. That being said, I've been around the block long enough to know that in order for discipline to be effective, it has to hurt. I'm not talking physical pain, but the kind of pain that comes with taking one's lumps, so to speak. The only catch is that this kind of discipline takes an iron will on the part of the parent because it hurts the parent, too.
For example, as aforementioned, my darling daughter told a lie and got caught—again. This has been happening far too often with her lately, and my husband and I were racking our brains trying to figure out an appropriate way to discipline her that would actually work. In thinking about it, we determined that the only way to get through to her was to hit her where it hurts (no, not on her backside!). She's 11. The most important thing to any eleven year old is her friends. So, we told her that from now until we decide otherwise, she is to go to school and come straight home after school. No clubs, no sports, no friend's houses, no friend's over. Now, we have tried this before, but I have always caved after a week or so. Not this time; this time Mama is going the distance. My little darling is going to learn her lesson, by Golly, even if it kills me!
No, I am not looking forward to watching her sulk around the house. This will be difficult. I am even less looking forward to the calls from the school wondering why she hasn't shown up for a club meeting or a sports practice. This will be embarrassing. She will have to explain to her teachers and coaches why she has let them down. This will be tough. She will have to tell her friends why she cannot spend time with them outside of school. This will be tougher. Yes, my kiddo and I have a few tough weeks ahead. But, a Mom's gotta do what a Mom's gotta do.
This is Gonna Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You
By, Michelle Harmon
“This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.” You've heard this expression, right? Probably when you were a kid, and it was most likely followed by a sharp whack to the behind, right? Yes, me and my behind remember this expression all to well. I was thinking of it the other day when my eldest daughter told a lie, and my husband and I were disciplining her.
No, we didn't spank her. Spanking, in my opinion, is outdated, ineffective and more about punishment than about actually learning something. I want my kids to learn from their mistakes, so I discipline them, I don't punish them. That being said, I've been around the block long enough to know that in order for discipline to be effective, it has to hurt. I'm not talking physical pain, but the kind of pain that comes with taking one's lumps, so to speak. The only catch is that this kind of discipline takes an iron will on the part of the parent because it hurts the parent, too.
For example, as aforementioned, my darling daughter told a lie and got caught—again. This has been happening far too often with her lately, and my husband and I were racking our brains trying to figure out an appropriate way to discipline her that would actually work. In thinking about it, we determined that the only way to get through to her was to hit her where it hurts (no, not on her backside!). She's 11. The most important thing to any eleven year old is her friends. So, we told her that from now until we decide otherwise, she is to go to school and come straight home after school. No clubs, no sports, no friend's houses, no friend's over. Now, we have tried this before, but I have always caved after a week or so. Not this time; this time Mama is going the distance. My little darling is going to learn her lesson, by Golly, even if it kills me!
No, I am not looking forward to watching her sulk around the house. This will be difficult. I am even less looking forward to the calls from the school wondering why she hasn't shown up for a club meeting or a sports practice. This will be embarrassing. She will have to explain to her teachers and coaches why she has let them down. This will be tough. She will have to tell her friends why she cannot spend time with them outside of school. This will be tougher. Yes, my kiddo and I have a few tough weeks ahead. But, a Mom's gotta do what a Mom's gotta do.
Numbers
*As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, August 14, 2010:
Stop Focusing on the Numbers
By, Michelle Harmon
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
Stop Focusing on the Numbers
By, Michelle Harmon
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sending out the Search Party
If I could only give one piece of advice to a new mom, it would be this: don't get lost. Don't get lost. It is too easy to lose yourself in the shuffle of diapers and cleaning and laundry and playdates and lunches and backpacks, etc. Till one day you look around and you wonder, where did I go? Where is that woman I once knew? I don't see her anywhere! You look around your place and all you see our representations of your kids, their toys, their pictures, their drawings, their messes...just them. No you. I think I lost myself somewhere back in 2001 or maybe 2002. I'm sending out the search party.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Different is Good
Encourage your Child to be Different
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/24/10:
Peer pressure is something that we all deal with almost all the time. Ever look at your neighbor's lawn and compare it to yours? You don't want your lawn to look any less green or maintained than your neighbor's, right? If you think about it, that's peer pressure. It's subtle, but it is a form of peer pressure, nonetheless. Have you ever gone to party for your boss or a co-worker even though you really did not want to go, but you thought that you should? Ever pitch in for flowers or a gift for a coworker you don't like just because everyone else in the office was pitching in? Peer pressure is a reality, and it never really goes away, but when you are a teenager or a preteen, the pressure to fit in, to be like everyone else can be exhausting, scary, and, even, dangerous. So, how do you help your child through this difficult stage in her life? Encourage your child to be different.
Luckily, we live in a society in which individuality is generally celebrated. It's okay not to be like everybody else. Let your child know this, and encourage her to be her own person at every turn. This will help your child to learn who she really is and what really matters to her. This, in turn, will boost self-esteem and give her the tools to fight peer pressure.
For example, if your son asks you to buy him a certain pair of shoes because everyone else has them, refuse. Oh yes, your child will think you are mean, but by refusing you are teaching him that he does not have to be like everyone else. Now, if he had asked you for the shoes because he genuinely liked them and they expressed his own style, then, I'd say, go for it. But, if he only wants them because the other guys have him, then, he does not need them. Encourage him to pick out a pair that are unique to him and his style. This will reinforce the notion that different is good, and he is good and worthy. So, maybe when one of his buddies offers him a smoke in the school bathroom, he'll have the strength to say no.
Summing up, encourage your child to be different at every turn. I'm not saying you encourage your daughter to don rainbow-colored hair and a tutu at school, but you encourage her to express herself, to be herself, not to be a photocopy of everybody else. This will help her to realize that she is worthy and will boost self-esteem, making her stronger against peer pressure. Along the same lines, live this idea yourself. Don't buy a minivan because all the other moms on the block have one. Don't put a windmill on your lawn because your neighbor has one in his yard. Instead, be the only house in your neighborhood that decorates for Halloween. Go all out! Show the neighbors who you are; show your kids that different is good. I can't wait for Halloween this year—my neighbors won't know what hit them!
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/24/10:
Peer pressure is something that we all deal with almost all the time. Ever look at your neighbor's lawn and compare it to yours? You don't want your lawn to look any less green or maintained than your neighbor's, right? If you think about it, that's peer pressure. It's subtle, but it is a form of peer pressure, nonetheless. Have you ever gone to party for your boss or a co-worker even though you really did not want to go, but you thought that you should? Ever pitch in for flowers or a gift for a coworker you don't like just because everyone else in the office was pitching in? Peer pressure is a reality, and it never really goes away, but when you are a teenager or a preteen, the pressure to fit in, to be like everyone else can be exhausting, scary, and, even, dangerous. So, how do you help your child through this difficult stage in her life? Encourage your child to be different.
Luckily, we live in a society in which individuality is generally celebrated. It's okay not to be like everybody else. Let your child know this, and encourage her to be her own person at every turn. This will help your child to learn who she really is and what really matters to her. This, in turn, will boost self-esteem and give her the tools to fight peer pressure.
For example, if your son asks you to buy him a certain pair of shoes because everyone else has them, refuse. Oh yes, your child will think you are mean, but by refusing you are teaching him that he does not have to be like everyone else. Now, if he had asked you for the shoes because he genuinely liked them and they expressed his own style, then, I'd say, go for it. But, if he only wants them because the other guys have him, then, he does not need them. Encourage him to pick out a pair that are unique to him and his style. This will reinforce the notion that different is good, and he is good and worthy. So, maybe when one of his buddies offers him a smoke in the school bathroom, he'll have the strength to say no.
Summing up, encourage your child to be different at every turn. I'm not saying you encourage your daughter to don rainbow-colored hair and a tutu at school, but you encourage her to express herself, to be herself, not to be a photocopy of everybody else. This will help her to realize that she is worthy and will boost self-esteem, making her stronger against peer pressure. Along the same lines, live this idea yourself. Don't buy a minivan because all the other moms on the block have one. Don't put a windmill on your lawn because your neighbor has one in his yard. Instead, be the only house in your neighborhood that decorates for Halloween. Go all out! Show the neighbors who you are; show your kids that different is good. I can't wait for Halloween this year—my neighbors won't know what hit them!
Not Just a Number
Stop Focusing on the Numbers
By, Michelle Harmon, as published on 8/14/10:
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published on 8/14/10:
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
Raise a Reader
Raising a Reader
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/17/10:
Every Mom knows that reading is an essential skill for success in school and, let's face it, in life. Any teacher will tell you that the students who score the best on standardized tests, who have the best grades, and who generally like school are good readers. Beyond just the academic benefits of reading, most of us want to rear children who enjoy reading, who want to read because it's fun, not because the teacher or because Mom says they have to. So, how can we, as Moms, raise readers?
First, start them when they are young. From the time your child is born, read to him. Read him books, not just at bedtime, but as often as you can. Further, when you read to him, ask him questions about the pictures, and, as he gets older, ask him questions about the characters, the plot, and the meaning of the story you are reading. You will not only be helping your child to see that reading is fun, but you will helping him to develop comprehension skills by discussing the books.
Next, be a good role model. Read. Let your child see you reading instead of watching TV or sitting in front of the computer. What your children see you do has a much bigger impact on what they do than you probably even realize. Let's think about it. Kids whose parents smoke are much more likely to smoke when they grow up. Likewise, kids whose parents read are much more likely to read than kids whose parents spend their nights in front of the TV. While growing up, my mother was never without a book. I watched her read every night as a child, and, yes, she read to me when I was little. And, guess what? I grew up to be a voracious reader.
Also, take advantage of your local library. Take your kids to the library often to check out books. However, don't stop there. Take your child to fun library events that will help foster the notion that reading is, indeed, fun. Along those same lines, take advantage of the fact that many books are now ending up as movies. If your child loves wants to see the new Ramona movie, read the book with her first. My middle daughter got hooked on the Twilight series after having seen the first movie. Since then, she has read every sequel.
Finally, you might want to consider instituting a reading hour in your house. This is a time when the TV gets turned off, the phone is answered, the computer is off-limits and every member of the family reads. For younger ones, this may be a time when you read to them. For the older kids, this is a time when it's quiet and they get to read a book of their choice, and so do you. Your child may groan the first time you switch off the TV and declare, “reading hour.” But, eventually, she will begin to look forward to this peaceful time together.
Happy Reading!
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/17/10:
Every Mom knows that reading is an essential skill for success in school and, let's face it, in life. Any teacher will tell you that the students who score the best on standardized tests, who have the best grades, and who generally like school are good readers. Beyond just the academic benefits of reading, most of us want to rear children who enjoy reading, who want to read because it's fun, not because the teacher or because Mom says they have to. So, how can we, as Moms, raise readers?
First, start them when they are young. From the time your child is born, read to him. Read him books, not just at bedtime, but as often as you can. Further, when you read to him, ask him questions about the pictures, and, as he gets older, ask him questions about the characters, the plot, and the meaning of the story you are reading. You will not only be helping your child to see that reading is fun, but you will helping him to develop comprehension skills by discussing the books.
Next, be a good role model. Read. Let your child see you reading instead of watching TV or sitting in front of the computer. What your children see you do has a much bigger impact on what they do than you probably even realize. Let's think about it. Kids whose parents smoke are much more likely to smoke when they grow up. Likewise, kids whose parents read are much more likely to read than kids whose parents spend their nights in front of the TV. While growing up, my mother was never without a book. I watched her read every night as a child, and, yes, she read to me when I was little. And, guess what? I grew up to be a voracious reader.
Also, take advantage of your local library. Take your kids to the library often to check out books. However, don't stop there. Take your child to fun library events that will help foster the notion that reading is, indeed, fun. Along those same lines, take advantage of the fact that many books are now ending up as movies. If your child loves wants to see the new Ramona movie, read the book with her first. My middle daughter got hooked on the Twilight series after having seen the first movie. Since then, she has read every sequel.
Finally, you might want to consider instituting a reading hour in your house. This is a time when the TV gets turned off, the phone is answered, the computer is off-limits and every member of the family reads. For younger ones, this may be a time when you read to them. For the older kids, this is a time when it's quiet and they get to read a book of their choice, and so do you. Your child may groan the first time you switch off the TV and declare, “reading hour.” But, eventually, she will begin to look forward to this peaceful time together.
Happy Reading!
Advice for New Moms
New Mom Survival Guide
by, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Arugus, 7/10/10:
This week's column if for you new moms—the ones over the moon gazing over their precious bundles of joy. The ones wondering when their last shower was, who have forgotten the smell of clothes minus spit-up and urine, the ones whose friends wonder if they will ever leave the house! Here's the deal, new Mama, take a shower, yes, fix your hair, and, for God's sake, get out of the house!
Motherhood is wonderful and, let's face it, a little bit scary when you're new at it. If you've ever watched a new mother with her baby, they are very easy to spot—new moms hover over the baby like they are waiting for it to explode or something! And, I'll bet, if you've been around a new mom and her baby, you probably haven't even heard that baby cry! New moms swoop up babies at the first sign of a whimper!
So, new moms, first things first. Babies cry. They cry because they can't talk. They can't tell you what the want, so they cry. When your baby cries, it doesn't always mean she is hungry, so don't whip out the bottle or the boob at every whimper! Sometimes, they cry because they are bored, tired, too warm, too cold, or over-stimulated. Try other things to ease your babies tears, otherwise you may actually end up over-feeding her and exhausting yourself and ending up with both of you being covered in spit-up—again! Get to know your babies cries. They are different. If you let your baby cry a little and really listen to her, you will begin to learn what a hungry cry sounds like as opposed to a wet diaper cry and so on. Babies are supposed to cry; it doesn't make you a baby mother.
Next, you have got to get yourself out of the house a little. If you're a nursing mom, this may take a little more finesse and preparation, but you can do it. I'm not suggesting you go out and paint the town red or anything. Just enlist the help of Daddy or Grandma or another dependable sitter and go get your nails down, have lunch with a girlfriend, or even just go to the grocery store by yourself. I used to love to just go to Starbucks and sit with a latte and a good book for a few hours by myself when my kids were newborns; it worked to calm me down and learn to really love being a mom. These little outings will do and your baby some good. It's much easier to enjoy your baby and motherhood, in general, when you allow yourself to still be you.
Also, accept help. It does not mean that you aren't a good mom if your mother comes over and cleans the house for you while you get some much needed shut eye. It speaks nothing of your skills as a mother if your neighbor brings you a casserole, so you don't have to worry about cooking dinner. Don't set yourself up for, what I like to call, Super Mom burn-out, from the very beginning! Ask for help if you need it, and, for Heaven's sake, accept it if it is offered!
Finally, don't spend gobs of money on baby clothes—they grow out of them really fast! Do take lots of pictures; don't worry yourself over every little cry or whimper or (later on) skinned knee. Do realize how blessed you are and enjoy the ride...
by, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Arugus, 7/10/10:
This week's column if for you new moms—the ones over the moon gazing over their precious bundles of joy. The ones wondering when their last shower was, who have forgotten the smell of clothes minus spit-up and urine, the ones whose friends wonder if they will ever leave the house! Here's the deal, new Mama, take a shower, yes, fix your hair, and, for God's sake, get out of the house!
Motherhood is wonderful and, let's face it, a little bit scary when you're new at it. If you've ever watched a new mother with her baby, they are very easy to spot—new moms hover over the baby like they are waiting for it to explode or something! And, I'll bet, if you've been around a new mom and her baby, you probably haven't even heard that baby cry! New moms swoop up babies at the first sign of a whimper!
So, new moms, first things first. Babies cry. They cry because they can't talk. They can't tell you what the want, so they cry. When your baby cries, it doesn't always mean she is hungry, so don't whip out the bottle or the boob at every whimper! Sometimes, they cry because they are bored, tired, too warm, too cold, or over-stimulated. Try other things to ease your babies tears, otherwise you may actually end up over-feeding her and exhausting yourself and ending up with both of you being covered in spit-up—again! Get to know your babies cries. They are different. If you let your baby cry a little and really listen to her, you will begin to learn what a hungry cry sounds like as opposed to a wet diaper cry and so on. Babies are supposed to cry; it doesn't make you a baby mother.
Next, you have got to get yourself out of the house a little. If you're a nursing mom, this may take a little more finesse and preparation, but you can do it. I'm not suggesting you go out and paint the town red or anything. Just enlist the help of Daddy or Grandma or another dependable sitter and go get your nails down, have lunch with a girlfriend, or even just go to the grocery store by yourself. I used to love to just go to Starbucks and sit with a latte and a good book for a few hours by myself when my kids were newborns; it worked to calm me down and learn to really love being a mom. These little outings will do and your baby some good. It's much easier to enjoy your baby and motherhood, in general, when you allow yourself to still be you.
Also, accept help. It does not mean that you aren't a good mom if your mother comes over and cleans the house for you while you get some much needed shut eye. It speaks nothing of your skills as a mother if your neighbor brings you a casserole, so you don't have to worry about cooking dinner. Don't set yourself up for, what I like to call, Super Mom burn-out, from the very beginning! Ask for help if you need it, and, for Heaven's sake, accept it if it is offered!
Finally, don't spend gobs of money on baby clothes—they grow out of them really fast! Do take lots of pictures; don't worry yourself over every little cry or whimper or (later on) skinned knee. Do realize how blessed you are and enjoy the ride...
Belonging
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, Sat. July 3, 2010:
Belonging at Home
By, Michelle Harmon
It's summer. The kids are out of school, and if your house is anything like mine, your preteen or teen spends very little time at home. Last week, I think my daughter treated our home like a Motel 8. She came home to sleep and maybe eat an occasional meal or two, then, she was gone, again. And, I got to thinking, this can't be good.
It isn't. Of course we want our kids to have fun and make friends, but kids have to understand that there first priority is to the their family. How can your child contribute to the family when he's gone most of the time? Even more than that, if your child isn't home long enough for you to spend quality time together and really get to know each other, then how will you foster a sense of belonging in your child? Think of your family like an elite club, like the American Legion or the Moose Lodge, if the members never show up for events or to pay their dues, then they are going to care very little about the other members, about the club itself, and they will not really belong to the club. Same thing in families.
As parents (or Lodge presidents), we have to ensure that each member contributes in some way and that each member feels special. We want our members to continue their membership year after year, right? We want our kids to know that no matter what, they are always are part of the family, and they can always come home, right?
So, the next time your child wants to go out for the third night in a row, think twice. Spend some time with her instead. Yes, she may object, at first, but eventually, she'll realize just how important she is to you and to the family. She will know that she has an important place with you and her siblings. Then, she may even decide that she wants to spend some time with just the family, the elite club that not everybody gets to be a part of.
Belonging at Home
By, Michelle Harmon
It's summer. The kids are out of school, and if your house is anything like mine, your preteen or teen spends very little time at home. Last week, I think my daughter treated our home like a Motel 8. She came home to sleep and maybe eat an occasional meal or two, then, she was gone, again. And, I got to thinking, this can't be good.
It isn't. Of course we want our kids to have fun and make friends, but kids have to understand that there first priority is to the their family. How can your child contribute to the family when he's gone most of the time? Even more than that, if your child isn't home long enough for you to spend quality time together and really get to know each other, then how will you foster a sense of belonging in your child? Think of your family like an elite club, like the American Legion or the Moose Lodge, if the members never show up for events or to pay their dues, then they are going to care very little about the other members, about the club itself, and they will not really belong to the club. Same thing in families.
As parents (or Lodge presidents), we have to ensure that each member contributes in some way and that each member feels special. We want our members to continue their membership year after year, right? We want our kids to know that no matter what, they are always are part of the family, and they can always come home, right?
So, the next time your child wants to go out for the third night in a row, think twice. Spend some time with her instead. Yes, she may object, at first, but eventually, she'll realize just how important she is to you and to the family. She will know that she has an important place with you and her siblings. Then, she may even decide that she wants to spend some time with just the family, the elite club that not everybody gets to be a part of.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
New Kid, Day--whatever the hell!
Okay, so, I've lost track of the days since the great "Leman experiment", forgive me, with four kids, I'm lucky I haven't lost my mind, not to mention my car keys! Anyway, I have been applying Leman's principles for some time now, and I have to admit, the man knows a thing or two! My kids have stepped up to the plate in regards to chores and overall helpfulness. They listen better, well, most of the time. My one continuing battle is with the fighting among the girls. It has gotten better, and I stick with Leman's philosophy of not choosing sides and letting the kids work things out on their own--which, by the way, can be very hard to do, it takes a lot of restraint on my part--most of the time, the girls work it out. Unfortunately, their niceness doesn't last long and within a hour or two (sometimes less), they're at it again!
One very positive thing that has come from letting them work out their own squabbles is that I have noticed that they work better together on solving problems or on agreeing what to do about a certain thing. For example, the other night after a day consisting of several mini-battles between the two older girls, the two girls sat down and discussed the things that the do that get on the other one's nerves. Then, they agreed on strategies to work on these things. I gotta say I was blown away! Then, to top it off, they noticed that Mom does more work around the house than anyone, and they decided that they needed to pitch in more (this came unprovoked, mind you). So, between the two of them, they decided how each of them would contribute more to the household chores. Cue the violins!
One very positive thing that has come from letting them work out their own squabbles is that I have noticed that they work better together on solving problems or on agreeing what to do about a certain thing. For example, the other night after a day consisting of several mini-battles between the two older girls, the two girls sat down and discussed the things that the do that get on the other one's nerves. Then, they agreed on strategies to work on these things. I gotta say I was blown away! Then, to top it off, they noticed that Mom does more work around the house than anyone, and they decided that they needed to pitch in more (this came unprovoked, mind you). So, between the two of them, they decided how each of them would contribute more to the household chores. Cue the violins!
Journal Ideas
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, June 26, 2010:
Journaling Ideas for Parents
By, Michelle Harmon
Some of you keep a journal or a diary where you write down your most intimate thoughts, create poetry, doodles or you may even keep a gratitude journal to remind you of the things in life for which you are grateful. Journaling about your kids and about your experience raising them can be very cathartic, rewarding, and can also remind you to be grateful that you have been given such a grand opportunity to be someone's Mommy.
When my oldest daughter was born, I kept a journal in which I documented her first smile, her first time rolling over and other less monumental events in her babyhood. I also wrote what I was feeling at the time, whether it was awe at the wonder of my child or pure exhaustion. I wrote the journal like I was talking to my daughter. I plan on giving it to her when she is grown and has her own child. If you haven't done this, try it. You won't regret it. Even if your kids are older, any age is full of things to note. And if you don't want to do a whole journal, write your kids letters. Letters that document an event or that even tell of a struggle, letters that are honest and heartfelt. Letters that will help you get out how you feel and that will make your child smile when you present them to her years later.
Another idea is to keep a parenting journal for yourself. Keep this separate from your personal diary and only write things in it that pertain to parenting and your kids. Write about the struggles of potty training and the joy when he finally pooped on the potty! Write about the tumultuous adolescent years and how you got through them. This can be a valuable tool for you to go back and see what techniques worked, not to mention to remember your child at age 2 as he stands before you at age 12. This can also be something that you share with your children when they have children of their own.
Finally, you could keep a journal with your child. That is, a notebook where you write to each other. This can be particularly helpful when the family is going through turmoil like a divorce. Sometimes children (and adults) have a hard time talking about things, but they may find it much easier to write about their feelings. Keep this journal in a special place where your child can write you a message whenever he feels so inclined, and you can write back and he will know where to find it later. This can be a great way to build a close relationship between you and your child.
Happy writing!
Journaling Ideas for Parents
By, Michelle Harmon
Some of you keep a journal or a diary where you write down your most intimate thoughts, create poetry, doodles or you may even keep a gratitude journal to remind you of the things in life for which you are grateful. Journaling about your kids and about your experience raising them can be very cathartic, rewarding, and can also remind you to be grateful that you have been given such a grand opportunity to be someone's Mommy.
When my oldest daughter was born, I kept a journal in which I documented her first smile, her first time rolling over and other less monumental events in her babyhood. I also wrote what I was feeling at the time, whether it was awe at the wonder of my child or pure exhaustion. I wrote the journal like I was talking to my daughter. I plan on giving it to her when she is grown and has her own child. If you haven't done this, try it. You won't regret it. Even if your kids are older, any age is full of things to note. And if you don't want to do a whole journal, write your kids letters. Letters that document an event or that even tell of a struggle, letters that are honest and heartfelt. Letters that will help you get out how you feel and that will make your child smile when you present them to her years later.
Another idea is to keep a parenting journal for yourself. Keep this separate from your personal diary and only write things in it that pertain to parenting and your kids. Write about the struggles of potty training and the joy when he finally pooped on the potty! Write about the tumultuous adolescent years and how you got through them. This can be a valuable tool for you to go back and see what techniques worked, not to mention to remember your child at age 2 as he stands before you at age 12. This can also be something that you share with your children when they have children of their own.
Finally, you could keep a journal with your child. That is, a notebook where you write to each other. This can be particularly helpful when the family is going through turmoil like a divorce. Sometimes children (and adults) have a hard time talking about things, but they may find it much easier to write about their feelings. Keep this journal in a special place where your child can write you a message whenever he feels so inclined, and you can write back and he will know where to find it later. This can be a great way to build a close relationship between you and your child.
Happy writing!
Don't Let 'Em Play You
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, June 19, 2010:
Don't Let Them Play You
By, Michelle Harmon
Mom: “Susie, I told you that you couldn't go to play at Jane's house until your room was picked up.”
Susie: “Dad said I could go.” And, how does Mom respond? Well, what can she say? She can't fault the child if she got permission from Dad. She can't fault Dad, either. So, Mom's stuck. Susie has played her, and there is nothing she can do about it. At least not this time.
The situation is not totally hopeless for Mom, however. Kids are master manipulators and they learn very quickly who is the soft touch, who they can pull one over on. So, first thing you have to do, Mom, is face that fact. All kids are experts at it, and if they are given the opportunity to play you, they will pounce on it like a cougar on a gazelle. So, now that we know this. The first thing you need to do is sit down with Dad and discuss the basic rules of the house and for each child. It's important that you discuss each child because if you have children of varying ages, chances are your expectations for them are different, and, thus so are some of the rules. You discussed; now, come to an agreement. That was the easy part.
The hard part is to never, ever, for any reason falter. That is, if you and your spouse agreed that Susie must complete her homework before she goes over to a friend's house, then, every time this must happen. This rule must be enforced every time no matter how much Susie whines and begs. Susie will probably try to ask one of you, and if she doesn't get the answer she wants, she'll try the other parent. But, this time, you will both have the same answer. You got her! She now knows that Mom and Dad are a united front, and there will be no more playing one against the other.
Now, I do realize that issues will come up that you and your spouse may not have discussed yet. For example, your twelve year old asks you if you can drop her off to see a movie with her friends. You aren't sure what to do. You think it might be okay, but you are not sure if your spouse would agree. You can either make a choice and stick to it. Or, you can wait until Dad comes home and discuss it, then, let your child know if permission will be granted. The better option is to wait until Dad comes home and make the decision together. But, if Dad is away, say on a business trip, and you cannot wait until he gets home. Well, then, Mom, you make the decision and stick with it. You can fill Dad in when he gets home and let him know that you need his support on this. If you work together, your kids will notice. And, whether you know it or not, they will be all the better off for it.
Don't Let Them Play You
By, Michelle Harmon
Mom: “Susie, I told you that you couldn't go to play at Jane's house until your room was picked up.”
Susie: “Dad said I could go.” And, how does Mom respond? Well, what can she say? She can't fault the child if she got permission from Dad. She can't fault Dad, either. So, Mom's stuck. Susie has played her, and there is nothing she can do about it. At least not this time.
The situation is not totally hopeless for Mom, however. Kids are master manipulators and they learn very quickly who is the soft touch, who they can pull one over on. So, first thing you have to do, Mom, is face that fact. All kids are experts at it, and if they are given the opportunity to play you, they will pounce on it like a cougar on a gazelle. So, now that we know this. The first thing you need to do is sit down with Dad and discuss the basic rules of the house and for each child. It's important that you discuss each child because if you have children of varying ages, chances are your expectations for them are different, and, thus so are some of the rules. You discussed; now, come to an agreement. That was the easy part.
The hard part is to never, ever, for any reason falter. That is, if you and your spouse agreed that Susie must complete her homework before she goes over to a friend's house, then, every time this must happen. This rule must be enforced every time no matter how much Susie whines and begs. Susie will probably try to ask one of you, and if she doesn't get the answer she wants, she'll try the other parent. But, this time, you will both have the same answer. You got her! She now knows that Mom and Dad are a united front, and there will be no more playing one against the other.
Now, I do realize that issues will come up that you and your spouse may not have discussed yet. For example, your twelve year old asks you if you can drop her off to see a movie with her friends. You aren't sure what to do. You think it might be okay, but you are not sure if your spouse would agree. You can either make a choice and stick to it. Or, you can wait until Dad comes home and discuss it, then, let your child know if permission will be granted. The better option is to wait until Dad comes home and make the decision together. But, if Dad is away, say on a business trip, and you cannot wait until he gets home. Well, then, Mom, you make the decision and stick with it. You can fill Dad in when he gets home and let him know that you need his support on this. If you work together, your kids will notice. And, whether you know it or not, they will be all the better off for it.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Making Kids Accountable
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 6/12/2010:
Making Kids Accountable
By, Michelle Harmon
Imagine this typical scenario in a house with kids: Johnny has a baseball game in an hour, and you are just about to head out the door when you walk past Johnny's room and note the disaster. You know that you told him two hours ago to pick up his room, and, yet, there it is, still a mess. So, what do you do? You have basically two choices. You can ignore it, go to the game and tell him to pick it up after you get home, or you can tell him that you all cannot go to the game until the room is picked up. The first option is much easier. He can just pick it up after the game. So, what's wrong with that? As long as it gets cleaned, does it really matter when? Yes, it does, Mom. You told him to pick it up two hours ago, so two hours ago it should have been done. If you let it slide, you are basically communicating to Johnny that he doesn't have to do what you say, and that he still gets to do what he wants to do. You teach him nothing with choice #1.
But, you are thinking, choice number #2 isn't very appealing, either. Oh yes, it is much harder; it will take an iron will on your part. You don't want your little guy to miss his game or to be late for it. He'll let the team down. And, what will the other parents, not to mention the coach, think of you? It's hard, but you have to let all that go. If Johnny is late or misses the game, you have to let Johnny deal with the ramifications. It won't be easy, but this is the only way to teach accountability. Next time, Johnny will think twice before he ignores an order from you.
As I am writing this, my five year old is tearing up her room looking for a lost DVD. Not just any DVD, mind you. It is a DVD that I allowed her to check out from the library. About an hour ago, we were all set to go to the library, return our borrowed DVDs and books and check out new ones. This is one of our favorite things to do; all my kids love going to the library. However, as I looked into the bag full of our items to return, I just had a Mom feeling, if you will. I told my nine year old to check the DVD cases and ensure that each DVD was in its proper case. And, guess what? One of them was missing. Three Stooges, to be exact. So, I told my little stooge who borrowed said DVD to look for it. I explained that we will not be going to the library until the DVD is found. It's been an hour, and she is still looking, and the car is still parked. No, it's not easy to see the disappointment on the kids' faces, but I know that if I let it slide, my five year old will have learned nothing about taking care of library property, nor will she learn that she is accountable for her actions. So, sixty-four minutes and counting, we wait.
Making Kids Accountable
By, Michelle Harmon
Imagine this typical scenario in a house with kids: Johnny has a baseball game in an hour, and you are just about to head out the door when you walk past Johnny's room and note the disaster. You know that you told him two hours ago to pick up his room, and, yet, there it is, still a mess. So, what do you do? You have basically two choices. You can ignore it, go to the game and tell him to pick it up after you get home, or you can tell him that you all cannot go to the game until the room is picked up. The first option is much easier. He can just pick it up after the game. So, what's wrong with that? As long as it gets cleaned, does it really matter when? Yes, it does, Mom. You told him to pick it up two hours ago, so two hours ago it should have been done. If you let it slide, you are basically communicating to Johnny that he doesn't have to do what you say, and that he still gets to do what he wants to do. You teach him nothing with choice #1.
But, you are thinking, choice number #2 isn't very appealing, either. Oh yes, it is much harder; it will take an iron will on your part. You don't want your little guy to miss his game or to be late for it. He'll let the team down. And, what will the other parents, not to mention the coach, think of you? It's hard, but you have to let all that go. If Johnny is late or misses the game, you have to let Johnny deal with the ramifications. It won't be easy, but this is the only way to teach accountability. Next time, Johnny will think twice before he ignores an order from you.
As I am writing this, my five year old is tearing up her room looking for a lost DVD. Not just any DVD, mind you. It is a DVD that I allowed her to check out from the library. About an hour ago, we were all set to go to the library, return our borrowed DVDs and books and check out new ones. This is one of our favorite things to do; all my kids love going to the library. However, as I looked into the bag full of our items to return, I just had a Mom feeling, if you will. I told my nine year old to check the DVD cases and ensure that each DVD was in its proper case. And, guess what? One of them was missing. Three Stooges, to be exact. So, I told my little stooge who borrowed said DVD to look for it. I explained that we will not be going to the library until the DVD is found. It's been an hour, and she is still looking, and the car is still parked. No, it's not easy to see the disappointment on the kids' faces, but I know that if I let it slide, my five year old will have learned nothing about taking care of library property, nor will she learn that she is accountable for her actions. So, sixty-four minutes and counting, we wait.
In This Family We Support Each Other
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 5/22/2010:
In This Family We Support Each Other
By, Michelle Harmon
A typical weeknight or Saturday night in my house during this time of year consists of traveling from one softball game to the next, with all four kids in tow. Yes, it's a busy life, but it can be a very rewarding one. Especially, if the kids are cheering each other on and not just worrying about themselves. Supporting one another and thinking more about family and less about self is the lesson I am trying to teach my kids through sports.
My mantra is: “In this family we support each other.” I say it often. In fact, my oldest jokes about it, “Mom, you say that about five times a day!” I answer, “Maybe so. That's because I want you to remember it.” It all started during one of my middle daughter's games. My oldest did not feel like sitting and watching her sister play. She would rather hang out with friends that were also in attendance (with little sisters playing in the game). My youngest thought it would be much more fun to play on the playground than sit and watch her big sister play. I turned to the two of them and asked them, “Why are we here?” They, of course, answered, “for Isabelle's game.” “That's right,” I said. “And, in this family we support each other, so you are going to sit here and support your sister. And, when, you have a game, Isabelle will do the same for you.” They looked at me dumbfounded for a minute and even pouted a little. But, after awhile, they put their energies into cheering their sister on. And, it was a proud moment for Mom. Now, whenever we go to games, no one asks to go play. We all support each other.
The point that I'm driving at with my kids is that by supporting each other at softball games, they will begin to notice how good it feels to support someone else and how good it feels to have your siblings supporting you. I hope this is something that they will carry on throughout life, not just within our family, but at school and, eventually, at work and in their own families. Every parent wants her child to grow up to be a thoughtful and caring adult. Something as simple as learning to cheer on your sister at a softball game can help foster a desire to be kind and supportive of others and not thinking just of oneself.
In This Family We Support Each Other
By, Michelle Harmon
A typical weeknight or Saturday night in my house during this time of year consists of traveling from one softball game to the next, with all four kids in tow. Yes, it's a busy life, but it can be a very rewarding one. Especially, if the kids are cheering each other on and not just worrying about themselves. Supporting one another and thinking more about family and less about self is the lesson I am trying to teach my kids through sports.
My mantra is: “In this family we support each other.” I say it often. In fact, my oldest jokes about it, “Mom, you say that about five times a day!” I answer, “Maybe so. That's because I want you to remember it.” It all started during one of my middle daughter's games. My oldest did not feel like sitting and watching her sister play. She would rather hang out with friends that were also in attendance (with little sisters playing in the game). My youngest thought it would be much more fun to play on the playground than sit and watch her big sister play. I turned to the two of them and asked them, “Why are we here?” They, of course, answered, “for Isabelle's game.” “That's right,” I said. “And, in this family we support each other, so you are going to sit here and support your sister. And, when, you have a game, Isabelle will do the same for you.” They looked at me dumbfounded for a minute and even pouted a little. But, after awhile, they put their energies into cheering their sister on. And, it was a proud moment for Mom. Now, whenever we go to games, no one asks to go play. We all support each other.
The point that I'm driving at with my kids is that by supporting each other at softball games, they will begin to notice how good it feels to support someone else and how good it feels to have your siblings supporting you. I hope this is something that they will carry on throughout life, not just within our family, but at school and, eventually, at work and in their own families. Every parent wants her child to grow up to be a thoughtful and caring adult. Something as simple as learning to cheer on your sister at a softball game can help foster a desire to be kind and supportive of others and not thinking just of oneself.
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