Okay, so, somewhere between softball games and the terrible twos, I lost track of the days of my little Leman experiment. Oh, well, I say. The important thing is, I am still sticking to it.
Per Leman's advice, I have chosen to no longer get involved in sibling rivalry. That is, when my girls argue (fight) with each other, call names, or, in general, get on each other's nerves, I stay out of it. Getting in the middle only makes matters worse, and someone always ends up getting mad at me! So, I simply do not get involved. When one of my girls comes to me whining that her sister took her shirt or borrowed her nail polish or won't pick up her side of the room or whatever sort of drama is going on, I simply tell the child, "I'm not getting involved. You two work it out." And, you know what? This strategy workds! Yes, they still argue, but they do figure out a way to work whatever it is out, and I don't have to be the bad guy! I've been doing this for several days now, and (pinch me!), the girls have been arguing A LOT less!
Along these same lines, when I hear the girls being rude to each other or calling names, I don't intervene. Like a spider, I just wait patiently in my web for the correct moment to strike. At some point the child will want something from me or will want to do something, and that is the moment I get them! Muhhaha! For example, yesterday Isabelle and Peyton (my second and third daughters) were cleaning their room and were particularly catty to each other. I listened but said nothing. After the room was clean, they emerged and asked to watch TV. I replied, "I'm sorry, girls, but you cannot watch TV because I didn't like the way you were treating each other while you were cleaning your room. You were very mean to each other, and that is not acceptable in this family." You should have seen their mouths drop! But, what came out of those mouths? Nothing! Not a whine, not a protest. They accepted what I had said without argument. Cue the Hallelujah chorus, please!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
One Day at a Time (New Kid, Day 7)
Since finishing the "new kid" section of Dr. Leman's book, I have been diligently putting the principles into practice and with much success. However, it has not been easy. My biggest issue, I think, is my affinity for threats and warnings. That is, I often find myself saying to one of my kids, "if you don't do this...." or "if you do that one more time..." I had a moment like that yesterday with my middle daughter, and as the warning was coming out of my mouth, I knew I shouldn't be saying it. According, to Leman, you should never threaten or give your child any warnings. But, I just could not stop myself. It was like verbal diarrhea, I just couldn't control it! Other than that, the past few days have gone really well. Though, I must admit that we've been so busy shuffling around from one softball game to the next, that it's hard to really say.
Tonight, I had another incident, again with my middle daughter (I'm sensing a pattern here); I told the girls to brush their teeth and get ready for bed. My middle child proceeded to completely ignore me and putz around the house. I could feel myself growing angry and, again, I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't (or didn't). I yelled at her. She, then, gave me a look and stomped off to her room. I knew I shouldn't, but I followed her in there and started to lecture her. In the midst of my lecture, I realized how utterly stupid I was being. She wasn't listening to a damn thing I was saying, and I knew it. I slunk out of the room feeling like I was right back at square one.
I sat and thought for a few minutes and decided that maybe I could salvage things a bit. Maybe the situation wasn't totally beyond repair. So, I went back into my daughter's room and apologized for yelling at her. I explained to her how she made me feel when she didn't listen to me. And, ya know what? I think she finally was really listening to me. I kissed her goodnight. And, she said, "I love you, Mom."
This made me feel good. I am human, and I will mess up. But, I have a newfound confidence now in knowing that if I fail to follow through with Leman's teachings sometimes, it doesn't mean that I am a failure as a Mom. And, my kids don't love me any less for it. And, like they say in rehab (not that I've ever been): "One day at a time."
Tonight, I had another incident, again with my middle daughter (I'm sensing a pattern here); I told the girls to brush their teeth and get ready for bed. My middle child proceeded to completely ignore me and putz around the house. I could feel myself growing angry and, again, I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't (or didn't). I yelled at her. She, then, gave me a look and stomped off to her room. I knew I shouldn't, but I followed her in there and started to lecture her. In the midst of my lecture, I realized how utterly stupid I was being. She wasn't listening to a damn thing I was saying, and I knew it. I slunk out of the room feeling like I was right back at square one.
I sat and thought for a few minutes and decided that maybe I could salvage things a bit. Maybe the situation wasn't totally beyond repair. So, I went back into my daughter's room and apologized for yelling at her. I explained to her how she made me feel when she didn't listen to me. And, ya know what? I think she finally was really listening to me. I kissed her goodnight. And, she said, "I love you, Mom."
This made me feel good. I am human, and I will mess up. But, I have a newfound confidence now in knowing that if I fail to follow through with Leman's teachings sometimes, it doesn't mean that I am a failure as a Mom. And, my kids don't love me any less for it. And, like they say in rehab (not that I've ever been): "One day at a time."
Sunday, May 2, 2010
A New Kid, Day 5
Well, today is supposed to be the last day, Fun Day, as Dr. Leman calls it. But, I gotta tell ya, today feels more like the first day than the last day. This past week, I've been reading (and rereading) the book and trying my best to follow the techniques as prescribed. And, yes, I've had much success. But, no, I don't feel like I have "new kids," and, ya know what? That's okay. I feel like I have learned a lot and now have the tools I need to become a more effective parent and to begin enjoying family life a lot more. So, to the esteemed Dr. Leman I'd like to say, thank you for this book and for the wonderful ideas withing, but do not pretend that you can generate a new brand of child in five measly days. However, what you can do, and what you did for me, was give me the confidence and the guidance to make positive changes in my kids, and more importantly, in myself.
For Friday, Leman just asks parents to review the principles and think of the changes that you want to make. Done, and done. Now, he says, "get ready, get set, go!" See, I think, even he knows that the last day isn't really the last day--it's the first day!
At the end of the book, Dr. Leman lists several different issues that parents face from allowance to sibling rivalry and gives his advice on how to handle such situations. I will be looking at each of these (or at least the ones that apply to me), and I will try them out and let you know how it goes. So, let's begin...
For Friday, Leman just asks parents to review the principles and think of the changes that you want to make. Done, and done. Now, he says, "get ready, get set, go!" See, I think, even he knows that the last day isn't really the last day--it's the first day!
At the end of the book, Dr. Leman lists several different issues that parents face from allowance to sibling rivalry and gives his advice on how to handle such situations. I will be looking at each of these (or at least the ones that apply to me), and I will try them out and let you know how it goes. So, let's begin...
Saturday, May 1, 2010
A New Kid, Day 4
For Thursday (Saturday), Leman's asks parents to consider how they can show their child unconditional acceptance and how parents can emphasize belonging in the family.
---I have to say that in this area, I don't think I am in need of much improvement. I know that sounds a bit conceited, but I do think it's true. Leman says that kids need to feel like they belong as part of the family and suggests that parents can instill this sense of belonging by listening to their kids opinions and by giving the some input in decision-making. I do these things already and then some. My girls are kids of divorce and, as such, have gone through a lot of changes in their short little lives. Further, they now have a new stepdad, and, thus, we have become a new family. Because of this fact, I am always aware of their need to belong and to feel accepted. I know that they need to feel like they belong in this new family, and, further, I have tried to make them feel like that have had an important part in creating it. We have family game nights, movie nights, and outings, and the girls are able to make some decisions in respect to what we play on family games nights or what movie we watch, or, even how we spend our Saturday together.
Lehman asks parents, "In what ways can you spur your child on to Competence?"
---Again, I think I am doing this pretty well in my family. The girls have chores and this sense of responsibility will lead to Competence. Further, I make sure to notice when the girls do something around the house or otherwise without being asked.
Finally, Leman asks parents to think about the difference between praise and encouragement and asks parents to think about an encouraging thing to say to her child today.
---Basically, praise compliments the person while encouragement compliments the act. Today, Isabelle played catcher at her softball game. Her throws were spot-on and, overall, she did a great job. After the game, I told her that I thought she did a great job, and I pointed out to her that all that practice with her team and with me and Zoe in the backyard really paid off. I think now she realizes what becomes of hard work and will continue to work hard, and more importantly, will want to.
Day Four Outcome:
Today was a huge success! We spent almost the whole day at the fields. Each of the girls had a game today, one right after the other. This gave us the opportunity to support the daughter/sister playing in the game together as a family. In the midst of Izzy's game, Peyton wanted to go play on the playground, but I reminded her that we are a family and that we support each other. Zoe and Isabelle did a great job of supporting each other today. They cheered for each other and Zoe gave Isabelle some pointers and a whole lot of encouragement. I was a very proud Mama today!
---I have to say that in this area, I don't think I am in need of much improvement. I know that sounds a bit conceited, but I do think it's true. Leman says that kids need to feel like they belong as part of the family and suggests that parents can instill this sense of belonging by listening to their kids opinions and by giving the some input in decision-making. I do these things already and then some. My girls are kids of divorce and, as such, have gone through a lot of changes in their short little lives. Further, they now have a new stepdad, and, thus, we have become a new family. Because of this fact, I am always aware of their need to belong and to feel accepted. I know that they need to feel like they belong in this new family, and, further, I have tried to make them feel like that have had an important part in creating it. We have family game nights, movie nights, and outings, and the girls are able to make some decisions in respect to what we play on family games nights or what movie we watch, or, even how we spend our Saturday together.
Lehman asks parents, "In what ways can you spur your child on to Competence?"
---Again, I think I am doing this pretty well in my family. The girls have chores and this sense of responsibility will lead to Competence. Further, I make sure to notice when the girls do something around the house or otherwise without being asked.
Finally, Leman asks parents to think about the difference between praise and encouragement and asks parents to think about an encouraging thing to say to her child today.
---Basically, praise compliments the person while encouragement compliments the act. Today, Isabelle played catcher at her softball game. Her throws were spot-on and, overall, she did a great job. After the game, I told her that I thought she did a great job, and I pointed out to her that all that practice with her team and with me and Zoe in the backyard really paid off. I think now she realizes what becomes of hard work and will continue to work hard, and more importantly, will want to.
Day Four Outcome:
Today was a huge success! We spent almost the whole day at the fields. Each of the girls had a game today, one right after the other. This gave us the opportunity to support the daughter/sister playing in the game together as a family. In the midst of Izzy's game, Peyton wanted to go play on the playground, but I reminded her that we are a family and that we support each other. Zoe and Isabelle did a great job of supporting each other today. They cheered for each other and Zoe gave Isabelle some pointers and a whole lot of encouragement. I was a very proud Mama today!
Friday, April 30, 2010
A New Kid, Day 3
For Wednesday, or in my case, Friday, Dr. Lehman asks, "What kind of parenting style do you have? How does your child respond to this parenting style?" The two parenting styles outlined in the book are permissive and authoritarian. Looking at the two styles, I cannot say that I am one or the other. I can see myself in both examples. This can't be good! I must really be sending mixed messages to my kids! Ugh! I know that I need to let my five year old do more things on her own, like pick out her own clothes for school, pour her own juice, and so forth. I also need to be more consistent. And, say what I mean and mean what I say.
As for how my children respond to this style, sometimes they respond well, sometimes they don't. That's the major problem here, I haven't found a style that seems to work all the time, or, at least, most of the time.
Lehman also asks, "How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?" I can respect my children enough to allow them some freedoms and choices. Further, I can stop the yelling, while still sticking to my guns. I need to make sure the punishment fits the crime, so to speak, and that it is swift and consistent each time.
Finally, Lehman asks, "In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?" The first thing would be to set aside some more family time that doesn't involve running from one sports practice/game to the next. Another way to emphasize relationship is to model respect and love by the way my husband and I treat it each other and those around us. Also, I need to be sure to talk to my kids, not just ask them questions.
Day Three Outcome:
Today went pretty well. Zoe came home from school in a grumpy attitude, but I didn't let it fly. I told her once not to be unkind to her sister, I walked away and expected her to listen. She did. The girls brought home report cards and I made sure to encourage their efforts and not just praise them for getting good grades. I made sure to point out how their hard work had paid off. I feel pretty good about today.
As for how my children respond to this style, sometimes they respond well, sometimes they don't. That's the major problem here, I haven't found a style that seems to work all the time, or, at least, most of the time.
Lehman also asks, "How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?" I can respect my children enough to allow them some freedoms and choices. Further, I can stop the yelling, while still sticking to my guns. I need to make sure the punishment fits the crime, so to speak, and that it is swift and consistent each time.
Finally, Lehman asks, "In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?" The first thing would be to set aside some more family time that doesn't involve running from one sports practice/game to the next. Another way to emphasize relationship is to model respect and love by the way my husband and I treat it each other and those around us. Also, I need to be sure to talk to my kids, not just ask them questions.
Day Three Outcome:
Today went pretty well. Zoe came home from school in a grumpy attitude, but I didn't let it fly. I told her once not to be unkind to her sister, I walked away and expected her to listen. She did. The girls brought home report cards and I made sure to encourage their efforts and not just praise them for getting good grades. I made sure to point out how their hard work had paid off. I feel pretty good about today.
Being a Good Sport
Being a Good Sport
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/24/2010
Softball season has started, and my weekdays and weekends are filled with practices and games. I have three girls and each of them is in a different level of softball from t-ball to junior softball. The schedule is crazy, but the girls have so much fun and are learning a lot about the game and teamwork that it is worth it to me. The only thing that I wonder is the motivations of some of the parents. That is, why do we sign our kids up for sports? Because we want them to play or because they want to?
No matter what your child's sport is: baseball, softball, football, soccer and so on, be sure that he is playing for the right reason. I have seen many a little girl throughout my years as a softball mom who had no business being on the field. The reason being that she didn't want to be. Her parents for whatever reason signed her up, and she had no interest in the game or desire to play. I have watched as the parents of such girls push their little champ until she gets upset. Then, the parent gets upset, and nobody wins. Not the parents, not the child, and certainly not the team. So, if your child does not want to play, don't force her. There is no lesson to be learned there. Find something else that peaks her interest.
When supporting your child's sports activities, remember that the main objective is for your child to have fun, and hopefully learn the values of teamwork and competition. Not everyone can be a superstar, and you mustn't put too much pressure on your child. Putting undue pressure on them sucks all the fun out of it. Not only that, it makes the child nervous and may negatively affect his self-esteem if he feels like he cannot live up to your high expectations.
If your child strikes out or the team loses, so what! As long as he had fun playing, your job is done. Be a good sport; this is a valuable lesson to pass on to your child.
Finally, do not be one of those parents who feels that her kid is the best and should start every game and who gets upset when the coach puts her on the bench or out in the outfield.
The coach's job is to teach the fundamentals of the game and to give every kid a chance. If your child really is that good, when he gets older, he will spend little time on the bench and will have the chance to showcase his talents—like when he's in high school, not Little League.
To recap, sports are fun and putting your child in a sport can be very rewarding for you and for your child. Just remember that you need to sign her up for the right sport, the one she is interested in. She should play for herself, not for you. Likewise, keep the pressure off. Let her have fun, learn the game and watch her blossom!
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/24/2010
Softball season has started, and my weekdays and weekends are filled with practices and games. I have three girls and each of them is in a different level of softball from t-ball to junior softball. The schedule is crazy, but the girls have so much fun and are learning a lot about the game and teamwork that it is worth it to me. The only thing that I wonder is the motivations of some of the parents. That is, why do we sign our kids up for sports? Because we want them to play or because they want to?
No matter what your child's sport is: baseball, softball, football, soccer and so on, be sure that he is playing for the right reason. I have seen many a little girl throughout my years as a softball mom who had no business being on the field. The reason being that she didn't want to be. Her parents for whatever reason signed her up, and she had no interest in the game or desire to play. I have watched as the parents of such girls push their little champ until she gets upset. Then, the parent gets upset, and nobody wins. Not the parents, not the child, and certainly not the team. So, if your child does not want to play, don't force her. There is no lesson to be learned there. Find something else that peaks her interest.
When supporting your child's sports activities, remember that the main objective is for your child to have fun, and hopefully learn the values of teamwork and competition. Not everyone can be a superstar, and you mustn't put too much pressure on your child. Putting undue pressure on them sucks all the fun out of it. Not only that, it makes the child nervous and may negatively affect his self-esteem if he feels like he cannot live up to your high expectations.
If your child strikes out or the team loses, so what! As long as he had fun playing, your job is done. Be a good sport; this is a valuable lesson to pass on to your child.
Finally, do not be one of those parents who feels that her kid is the best and should start every game and who gets upset when the coach puts her on the bench or out in the outfield.
The coach's job is to teach the fundamentals of the game and to give every kid a chance. If your child really is that good, when he gets older, he will spend little time on the bench and will have the chance to showcase his talents—like when he's in high school, not Little League.
To recap, sports are fun and putting your child in a sport can be very rewarding for you and for your child. Just remember that you need to sign her up for the right sport, the one she is interested in. She should play for herself, not for you. Likewise, keep the pressure off. Let her have fun, learn the game and watch her blossom!
Beyond Stranger Danger
Beyond Stranger Danger
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/17/2010
Upon discovering that my eleven year old daughter was getting up in the wee hours of the morning and logging on to Facebook, my husband and I decided to deactivate her account and change the e-mail address the account was linked to so she could not get back in. We had already deactivated it before this, but she figured out a way to get her account reactivated by having a new password sent to her e-mail address. We figured this out, finally, and, hopefully, have put a stop to early morning Facebook use. During this ordeal, we also discovered that she was friends with an astonishing number of older teenage kids and had several pending friend requests for individuals that she did not even know. Further, there were several inappropriate posts on her page made by her so-called friends. My daughter failed to see that having friends on Facebook that you don't know in real life is dangerous. We had tried to explain this to her before we allowed her to open a Facebook account, but, apparently, she hadn't gotten the message. There was a clear disconnect here.
I have two younger daughters and, although they are much to young to have a Facebook account, we felt that the message we wanted to convey to our oldest daughter was applicable to our younger two daughters, as well. We explained that there are bad people who lurk on Facebook and other social networking sites and pose as young kids to try and find young kids and possibly do harm to them. We explained that it is very easy to pretend that you are a fifteen year old girl when really you are an adult man. We further explained that posting pictures of yourself and describing things in your life, like playing in a softball game or going to a specific school, makes it all the more easy for a bad person to find you if he wants to. I think my oldest finally got it. She is no longer allowed to have a Facebook account at all until she's older; we are not taking any chances.
As my younger two daughters sat and listened to this, I could see that they were a little concerned but mostly confused since they have little experience with the Internet, let alone Facebook. We conveyed to them that a child always needs to be aware of her surroundings and must never go anywhere or even talk to a stranger for any reason. We discussed a few scenarios and asks the girls to tell us what they would do in certain situations. To my great relief, they seemed to know. We made a point to tell them that they should never accept a ride or go anywhere even with an adult that they know like a teacher or a coach, unless Mommy or Daddy say it's okay. Unfortunately, you never know.
A little while after the discussion, my five year old came up to me crying a little and told me that she was scared about what we were talking about. I felt a little bad, but I would rather her be a little scared than gone. I assuaged her fears by explaining that I was almost always with her, so she was safe. And the times when I wasn't, like at school, as long as she remembered what we had told her she was safe. She stopped crying, smiled, said “okay” and went off to play. It makes me a little sad that a five year old has to live life with a little fear, but we cannot deny the world we live in.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/17/2010
Upon discovering that my eleven year old daughter was getting up in the wee hours of the morning and logging on to Facebook, my husband and I decided to deactivate her account and change the e-mail address the account was linked to so she could not get back in. We had already deactivated it before this, but she figured out a way to get her account reactivated by having a new password sent to her e-mail address. We figured this out, finally, and, hopefully, have put a stop to early morning Facebook use. During this ordeal, we also discovered that she was friends with an astonishing number of older teenage kids and had several pending friend requests for individuals that she did not even know. Further, there were several inappropriate posts on her page made by her so-called friends. My daughter failed to see that having friends on Facebook that you don't know in real life is dangerous. We had tried to explain this to her before we allowed her to open a Facebook account, but, apparently, she hadn't gotten the message. There was a clear disconnect here.
I have two younger daughters and, although they are much to young to have a Facebook account, we felt that the message we wanted to convey to our oldest daughter was applicable to our younger two daughters, as well. We explained that there are bad people who lurk on Facebook and other social networking sites and pose as young kids to try and find young kids and possibly do harm to them. We explained that it is very easy to pretend that you are a fifteen year old girl when really you are an adult man. We further explained that posting pictures of yourself and describing things in your life, like playing in a softball game or going to a specific school, makes it all the more easy for a bad person to find you if he wants to. I think my oldest finally got it. She is no longer allowed to have a Facebook account at all until she's older; we are not taking any chances.
As my younger two daughters sat and listened to this, I could see that they were a little concerned but mostly confused since they have little experience with the Internet, let alone Facebook. We conveyed to them that a child always needs to be aware of her surroundings and must never go anywhere or even talk to a stranger for any reason. We discussed a few scenarios and asks the girls to tell us what they would do in certain situations. To my great relief, they seemed to know. We made a point to tell them that they should never accept a ride or go anywhere even with an adult that they know like a teacher or a coach, unless Mommy or Daddy say it's okay. Unfortunately, you never know.
A little while after the discussion, my five year old came up to me crying a little and told me that she was scared about what we were talking about. I felt a little bad, but I would rather her be a little scared than gone. I assuaged her fears by explaining that I was almost always with her, so she was safe. And the times when I wasn't, like at school, as long as she remembered what we had told her she was safe. She stopped crying, smiled, said “okay” and went off to play. It makes me a little sad that a five year old has to live life with a little fear, but we cannot deny the world we live in.
Big Kid Bed
Time for a Big Kid Bed?
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/10/10
Now that your baby is a toddler, is it time for a big kid bed? A big kid bed can be a toddler bed, a twin mattress on the floor or even a twin/full size bed with a rail. But, how do you know when your toddler is ready to leave her crib? There are a few signs to look for that may indicate that your toddler is ready to ditch the crib.
First, the most obvious sign is climbing. If your toddler can or has tried to climb out of his crib, it is time to move him to a big kid bed. Climbing the rails or climbing out of the crib and falling can lead to serious injury. So, if your little one has turned monkey, get her out of the crib!
If your child is potty trained or potty training, it's time to leave the crib. Simply, for the reason that if she has to go potty during nap or bed time, she must be able to get out and get to the potty quickly!
Most parents transition their toddlers to big kid beds between the ages of 11/2 and 3 years old. It really depends on you and your child. Some toddlers are ready at 18 mos., and some kids are happy to stay in their cribs until their potty trained. If you think your child is ready for the transition, there are a few things to consider to help ease him into the big boy bed.
First, if you can take him with your to either pick out the bed or pick out the bedding to put on it. If you aren't buying anything new, let him be there when you put it up, and act super excited about it. Place the new bed, if you can, in the same spot that the crib previously occupied. These steps should help him feel safe and secure and happy about his new bed.
Secondly, be sure that you have a guard rail if you are using a bed that is off the ground. Toddlers can be very active in their sleep and you don't want them to fall out and get hurt! Also, in the vein of safety, install a baby gate at the door to your child's room. Since he can get in and out of bed on his own now, you don't want him to wander out of his room and possibly get hurt in the middle of the night. For the same reason, make sure his room is completely baby-proofed, so if he gets out and plays, he won't get hurt.
Last thought, moving to a big kid bed is a big deal for your toddler..and for you. Make sure you are both ready. Don't worry yourself sick over it or try to push your toddler into a big boy bed if he is not ready to go. Patience, Mom.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/10/10
Now that your baby is a toddler, is it time for a big kid bed? A big kid bed can be a toddler bed, a twin mattress on the floor or even a twin/full size bed with a rail. But, how do you know when your toddler is ready to leave her crib? There are a few signs to look for that may indicate that your toddler is ready to ditch the crib.
First, the most obvious sign is climbing. If your toddler can or has tried to climb out of his crib, it is time to move him to a big kid bed. Climbing the rails or climbing out of the crib and falling can lead to serious injury. So, if your little one has turned monkey, get her out of the crib!
If your child is potty trained or potty training, it's time to leave the crib. Simply, for the reason that if she has to go potty during nap or bed time, she must be able to get out and get to the potty quickly!
Most parents transition their toddlers to big kid beds between the ages of 11/2 and 3 years old. It really depends on you and your child. Some toddlers are ready at 18 mos., and some kids are happy to stay in their cribs until their potty trained. If you think your child is ready for the transition, there are a few things to consider to help ease him into the big boy bed.
First, if you can take him with your to either pick out the bed or pick out the bedding to put on it. If you aren't buying anything new, let him be there when you put it up, and act super excited about it. Place the new bed, if you can, in the same spot that the crib previously occupied. These steps should help him feel safe and secure and happy about his new bed.
Secondly, be sure that you have a guard rail if you are using a bed that is off the ground. Toddlers can be very active in their sleep and you don't want them to fall out and get hurt! Also, in the vein of safety, install a baby gate at the door to your child's room. Since he can get in and out of bed on his own now, you don't want him to wander out of his room and possibly get hurt in the middle of the night. For the same reason, make sure his room is completely baby-proofed, so if he gets out and plays, he won't get hurt.
Last thought, moving to a big kid bed is a big deal for your toddler..and for you. Make sure you are both ready. Don't worry yourself sick over it or try to push your toddler into a big boy bed if he is not ready to go. Patience, Mom.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
A New Kid, Day Two
Well, this morning, I made the mistake of telling my child do brush her hair more than once. I ignored Leman's, principle of "say it once, turn your back and walk away." I knew better; I just couldn't let it go. I didn't want my daughter to go to school looking like she just rolled out of bed. So, I reminded her to brush her hair more than once, and I was treated to exaggerated sighs, grumbles, and an eye roll. Dammit! I know better! Say it once, turn your back and walk away! I will do better next time...
For Tuesday, or in my case, Thursday, Dr. Lehman asks, "What is your attitude towards your kids? How does your behavior reveal your attitude?" My attitude towards my kids is generally one of acceptance; however, I tend to get impatient with them and react rather than respond to some of their transgressions. I raise my voice too much and this behavior conveys a negative attitude, which, in turn, helps to foster a negative attitude in my children.
Dr. Lehman asks, "What changes do you need to make in your behavior toward your children?" First, I need to respond rather than react. If Peyton yells at Tommy, I need to respond by calming telling her not to yell and, then, calming disciplining her if she fails to listen. What I do not need to do is react to her yelling by yelling! Duh! Furthermore, I need to stick to my guns. That is, as Dr. Lehman puts it, "B cannot happen until A is completed." For example, if I ask Isabelle to put away her clothes, and she fails to do so, I do not take her to softball practice until it's done, even if we end up being late...A must be completed, before B happens. This is a hard one to stick to, but I think it is one of the most important principles Dr. Leman teaches in the book.
Finally, Dr. Lehman asks, "What kind of character do you want to be known for? How can you get there?" I obviously want to be known as a person of good character. That is, someone who is dependable, honest, courageous, and kind. So, I must be all of these things, not just for myself but for my children. Afterall, character is most important for parents; the ultimate goal of any parent is to raise thoughtful, hardworking, honest children who will become thoughtful, hardworking, honest adults.
Day Two Outcome:
I continued to use (mostly), Leman's "say it once, turn your back and walk away" technique today with some success. I did fall back into old habits a few times and "get after" the girls to do something that I had asked. I feel a little bad about that, but, at the same time, I feel good that I now recognize the habit and am working to change. Further, I realized today that, sometimes, due to tiredness and/or frustration that I am sometimes short with the kids and am coming across as such. I can now see this attitude mirrored in the girls. This I must change.
Overall, I consider today a success. I am looking forward to tomorrow, though, I must admit I am looking forward with a little trepidation because this is not easy. But, I know that it's worth it.
For Tuesday, or in my case, Thursday, Dr. Lehman asks, "What is your attitude towards your kids? How does your behavior reveal your attitude?" My attitude towards my kids is generally one of acceptance; however, I tend to get impatient with them and react rather than respond to some of their transgressions. I raise my voice too much and this behavior conveys a negative attitude, which, in turn, helps to foster a negative attitude in my children.
Dr. Lehman asks, "What changes do you need to make in your behavior toward your children?" First, I need to respond rather than react. If Peyton yells at Tommy, I need to respond by calming telling her not to yell and, then, calming disciplining her if she fails to listen. What I do not need to do is react to her yelling by yelling! Duh! Furthermore, I need to stick to my guns. That is, as Dr. Lehman puts it, "B cannot happen until A is completed." For example, if I ask Isabelle to put away her clothes, and she fails to do so, I do not take her to softball practice until it's done, even if we end up being late...A must be completed, before B happens. This is a hard one to stick to, but I think it is one of the most important principles Dr. Leman teaches in the book.
Finally, Dr. Lehman asks, "What kind of character do you want to be known for? How can you get there?" I obviously want to be known as a person of good character. That is, someone who is dependable, honest, courageous, and kind. So, I must be all of these things, not just for myself but for my children. Afterall, character is most important for parents; the ultimate goal of any parent is to raise thoughtful, hardworking, honest children who will become thoughtful, hardworking, honest adults.
Day Two Outcome:
I continued to use (mostly), Leman's "say it once, turn your back and walk away" technique today with some success. I did fall back into old habits a few times and "get after" the girls to do something that I had asked. I feel a little bad about that, but, at the same time, I feel good that I now recognize the habit and am working to change. Further, I realized today that, sometimes, due to tiredness and/or frustration that I am sometimes short with the kids and am coming across as such. I can now see this attitude mirrored in the girls. This I must change.
Overall, I consider today a success. I am looking forward to tomorrow, though, I must admit I am looking forward with a little trepidation because this is not easy. But, I know that it's worth it.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
A New Kid, Day One
In the hopes to change the attitudes of my children, particularly my oldest child, a mouthy 11 year old, I am reading Dr. Kevin Lemam's book, Have a New Kid by Friday and putting his strategies into practice. Dr. Lehman's approach is a five-day program that designed to begin on Monday and guarantees a "new kid" by Friday. As today is Wednesday, I guess I will see my new kid emerge on Sunday.
On Monday, the parent is supposed to observe what is going on in the house and decide what areas in your relationship with your child really bother you. Further, the parent is instructed to think about the things she wants to change.
--In my house there is entirely too much fighting among the girls, particularly my oldest two, ages 11 and 8. Furthermore, I feel that my 11 year old does not respect me. She doesn't listen, she talks back. And I feel that I am somehow failing her and that she will not "turn out" the way I envisioned. I feel that my relationship with her is strained, and I don't always know how to effectively communicate with her.
I would like to have less fighting and yelling in my house. I would like my kids to respect me and do what I say the first time. I would like them to be kinder to each other.
Monday also calls for committing to taking the bull by the horns and expecting great things to happen.
--I am ready.
Day One outcome:
In the book, Leman talk's about reality disciplining, which basically means doing nothing and letting the child learn the hard way. For example, instead of reminding your child over and over to do her homework, let her suffer the real-life consequences of not getting it done (lowered grade, scolding from the teacher).
I tried this today with my girls. It seems that every morning I am constantly chasing after them to get ready for school. I usually remind them of the time, over and over, so they won't miss the bus. This technique generally results in complaining and makes an unpleasant morning for all. Also, I inspect my daughter's room in the morning, and give them a score based on the room's cleanliness. A passing score earns the girls allowance and TV/Wii time. I usually remind them in the morning, and, again, chase after them in order for them to get it done before the bus comes. Not this morning, this morning, I said nothing. I woke them up cheerfully and had breakfast with them. I said nothing about the time, and, ya know what? They were ready with time to spare! They did not, however, manage to clean their room. This resulted in a 0, which means no TV, no Wii, Gameboy, etc. When they arrived home and asked to watch TV, I calmly said no because they failed room inspection. Then, I turned my back and began preparing dinner. This is another of Leman's techniques: "say it once, turn your back and walk away." I was expecting an argument or whining, but it didn't happen. The girls just accepted the consequences, and we all had a very pleasant evening. Day One was a success!!!
On Monday, the parent is supposed to observe what is going on in the house and decide what areas in your relationship with your child really bother you. Further, the parent is instructed to think about the things she wants to change.
--In my house there is entirely too much fighting among the girls, particularly my oldest two, ages 11 and 8. Furthermore, I feel that my 11 year old does not respect me. She doesn't listen, she talks back. And I feel that I am somehow failing her and that she will not "turn out" the way I envisioned. I feel that my relationship with her is strained, and I don't always know how to effectively communicate with her.
I would like to have less fighting and yelling in my house. I would like my kids to respect me and do what I say the first time. I would like them to be kinder to each other.
Monday also calls for committing to taking the bull by the horns and expecting great things to happen.
--I am ready.
Day One outcome:
In the book, Leman talk's about reality disciplining, which basically means doing nothing and letting the child learn the hard way. For example, instead of reminding your child over and over to do her homework, let her suffer the real-life consequences of not getting it done (lowered grade, scolding from the teacher).
I tried this today with my girls. It seems that every morning I am constantly chasing after them to get ready for school. I usually remind them of the time, over and over, so they won't miss the bus. This technique generally results in complaining and makes an unpleasant morning for all. Also, I inspect my daughter's room in the morning, and give them a score based on the room's cleanliness. A passing score earns the girls allowance and TV/Wii time. I usually remind them in the morning, and, again, chase after them in order for them to get it done before the bus comes. Not this morning, this morning, I said nothing. I woke them up cheerfully and had breakfast with them. I said nothing about the time, and, ya know what? They were ready with time to spare! They did not, however, manage to clean their room. This resulted in a 0, which means no TV, no Wii, Gameboy, etc. When they arrived home and asked to watch TV, I calmly said no because they failed room inspection. Then, I turned my back and began preparing dinner. This is another of Leman's techniques: "say it once, turn your back and walk away." I was expecting an argument or whining, but it didn't happen. The girls just accepted the consequences, and we all had a very pleasant evening. Day One was a success!!!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
A Slice of Humble Pie
A Slice of Humble Pie
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus on Sat, March 27, 2010:
“Go to your room and think about what you did!” At one time or another (probably many times), during the course of motherhood, you've uttered these words to your child watching him stomp up the stairs or down the hall while you contemplate what he did and what you're going to do about it. Chances are you are the only thinking about what what he did. Once in the confines of his room, your child is only really thinking about how mean you are for sending him there and how long it will be before he can come out. So, where's the lesson? If you want your child to learn from his indiscretions and, hopefully, not repeat them, you have to rethink the “go to your room” scenario.
My daughter arrived home from school yesterday with a dreaded note from the teacher. She had misbehaved in school—talking when the teacher was talking and being downright rude to the teacher and to another student. I, of course, was at once angry and embarrassed. I, a school teacher by training, now has a child getting in trouble at school! Now, what? The first thing I did was lecture her about her misbehavior. Then, I sent her to her room. As I sat and thought about it, I realized that this was not enough. I could ground her, but what would this teach her? I could take away the Wii, TV time, and/or the Gameboy, but, again, what would she learn from this?
Then, it hit me! In order for her to fully appreciate the ramifications of her misbehavior, she had to take ownership of it. So, I instructed her to gather two pieces of paper and a pencil and meet me at the kitchen table. I explained to her that I wanted her to write two letters of apology. One to her teacher and one to the student she had been mean to. I told her to be sure to acknowledge her actions, explain why she acted the way she did and apologize for behaving as such. Then, I left her to it.
Once she finished, she showed the letters to me. And, I was pleased to see that she done exactly as asked, and more. She admitted her wrongdoing, explained the faulty thinking that led to her misbehavior, apologized, and, even, asked for forgiveness. After reading the letters, I talked with her about her actions and how they must have made the teacher and the student feel. After this exercise, I felt confident that after owning her actions and undergoing the humbling experience of apologizing, my daughter had learned her lesson. So, the next time your child misbehaves, consider doling out a big slice of humble pie in the form of an apology and make her own her actions.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus on Sat, March 27, 2010:
“Go to your room and think about what you did!” At one time or another (probably many times), during the course of motherhood, you've uttered these words to your child watching him stomp up the stairs or down the hall while you contemplate what he did and what you're going to do about it. Chances are you are the only thinking about what what he did. Once in the confines of his room, your child is only really thinking about how mean you are for sending him there and how long it will be before he can come out. So, where's the lesson? If you want your child to learn from his indiscretions and, hopefully, not repeat them, you have to rethink the “go to your room” scenario.
My daughter arrived home from school yesterday with a dreaded note from the teacher. She had misbehaved in school—talking when the teacher was talking and being downright rude to the teacher and to another student. I, of course, was at once angry and embarrassed. I, a school teacher by training, now has a child getting in trouble at school! Now, what? The first thing I did was lecture her about her misbehavior. Then, I sent her to her room. As I sat and thought about it, I realized that this was not enough. I could ground her, but what would this teach her? I could take away the Wii, TV time, and/or the Gameboy, but, again, what would she learn from this?
Then, it hit me! In order for her to fully appreciate the ramifications of her misbehavior, she had to take ownership of it. So, I instructed her to gather two pieces of paper and a pencil and meet me at the kitchen table. I explained to her that I wanted her to write two letters of apology. One to her teacher and one to the student she had been mean to. I told her to be sure to acknowledge her actions, explain why she acted the way she did and apologize for behaving as such. Then, I left her to it.
Once she finished, she showed the letters to me. And, I was pleased to see that she done exactly as asked, and more. She admitted her wrongdoing, explained the faulty thinking that led to her misbehavior, apologized, and, even, asked for forgiveness. After reading the letters, I talked with her about her actions and how they must have made the teacher and the student feel. After this exercise, I felt confident that after owning her actions and undergoing the humbling experience of apologizing, my daughter had learned her lesson. So, the next time your child misbehaves, consider doling out a big slice of humble pie in the form of an apology and make her own her actions.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Kids and Movies
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Kids and Movies
By, Michelle Harmon
One of my family's favorite activities to do together is to go see a movie at the local cinema. It seems that more and more families are electing to do so, as well. This is a good thing, but I think that some parents need to reevaluate the purpose of a theater outing. In addition, I have seen young kids too often watching movies that they definitely should not be watching.
The purpose of a family theater outing is to watch a movie together that the whole family will enjoy and that is appropriate for all members of the family. There are usually several family appropriate movies to choose from on any given weekend. I'm sure The Tooth Fairy or Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs wouldn't be your first choice (I know they wouldn't be mine), but these types of movies are appropriate for families and are usually, at least, somewhat funny and enjoyable for the adults in the family. If you want to see an R rated movie, get a sitter and go without your kids. It is not fair to your kids, or to the other people in the theater to bring young kids to a scary or otherwise inappropriate movie. The ratings are there for a reason. This also applies to dropping your older kids off to watch a movie with their friends. If the rating is R, your thirteen or fourteen year old does not belong there. Granted, kids mature at different levels and maybe you feel that your fourteen year old is grown up enough to watch an R rated movie. That is fine—in your own home—not at the theater. Also, in regards to preteens and teens, please make sure you at least go over proper theater etiquette with your kids before you drop them off. Nothing is more annoying that teenage girls giggling through a movie or putting their feet up on my chair!
Further, if you have a baby, he has no business being in the theater at all. Nobody wants to hear a crying baby when they are trying to watch a movie, especially a movie that is not meant for kids. Moreover, is it really worth going to the movies if you have to get up and tend to your crying baby instead of relaxing and watching the movie? I think not. Many theaters have special showings for parents and their babies. If you must take your baby, take him to one of those showings.
Kids and Movies
By, Michelle Harmon
One of my family's favorite activities to do together is to go see a movie at the local cinema. It seems that more and more families are electing to do so, as well. This is a good thing, but I think that some parents need to reevaluate the purpose of a theater outing. In addition, I have seen young kids too often watching movies that they definitely should not be watching.
The purpose of a family theater outing is to watch a movie together that the whole family will enjoy and that is appropriate for all members of the family. There are usually several family appropriate movies to choose from on any given weekend. I'm sure The Tooth Fairy or Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs wouldn't be your first choice (I know they wouldn't be mine), but these types of movies are appropriate for families and are usually, at least, somewhat funny and enjoyable for the adults in the family. If you want to see an R rated movie, get a sitter and go without your kids. It is not fair to your kids, or to the other people in the theater to bring young kids to a scary or otherwise inappropriate movie. The ratings are there for a reason. This also applies to dropping your older kids off to watch a movie with their friends. If the rating is R, your thirteen or fourteen year old does not belong there. Granted, kids mature at different levels and maybe you feel that your fourteen year old is grown up enough to watch an R rated movie. That is fine—in your own home—not at the theater. Also, in regards to preteens and teens, please make sure you at least go over proper theater etiquette with your kids before you drop them off. Nothing is more annoying that teenage girls giggling through a movie or putting their feet up on my chair!
Further, if you have a baby, he has no business being in the theater at all. Nobody wants to hear a crying baby when they are trying to watch a movie, especially a movie that is not meant for kids. Moreover, is it really worth going to the movies if you have to get up and tend to your crying baby instead of relaxing and watching the movie? I think not. Many theaters have special showings for parents and their babies. If you must take your baby, take him to one of those showings.
Choosing the Right Preschool
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Choosing the Right Preschool
By, Michelle Harmon
If you have preschool age children, it is time to start thinking about which preschool you will send them to. And, there is no limit to the options available to you. There are Montessori preschools, half-day preschools, full-day preschools, private, public, and so forth. The task of getting your child enrolled in the “right” preschool is extremely daunting. But, it does not have to be.
Most preschools have open houses, which can be a great way to learn about the school and meet the teachers. Also, any good school will let you come and sit in on a class. Finally, your best resource is other moms. Ask your Mom friends or the Moms in your neighborhood where they sent their kids. Word of mouth, I've always found, is the best way to find a reputable anything—from mechanic to preschool.
Another word of advice, do not stress too much about the curriculum. This is preschool we're talking about, not college. Most preschools have generally the same goals: to teach the ABCs and 123s. And, don't forget fun. You certainly don't want your three or four year old to hate school already because she doesn't get to have any fun! I'd pay more attention to the teacher than the curriculum. If the teacher is, as one of my Mom friends put it, “warm and fuzzy” your child is more likely to feel secure and comfortable and want to learn and play with this teacher. Being hard and strict is certainly not a trait to look for in a preschool teacher. Middle school or high school is a better place for a strict, no nonsense teacher.
Lastly, do not spend a lot of money on preschool. As with most things, just because it costs more does not mean it is better. I learned this lesson the hard way and wasted hundreds of dollars on a preschool that was not any better than the much cheaper one my friends sent their kids to. Bottom line, pick a school that is relatively close to your house, is reasonably priced, and, most importantly, has a warm and fuzzy teacher waiting to welcome your child into the world of learning.
Choosing the Right Preschool
By, Michelle Harmon
If you have preschool age children, it is time to start thinking about which preschool you will send them to. And, there is no limit to the options available to you. There are Montessori preschools, half-day preschools, full-day preschools, private, public, and so forth. The task of getting your child enrolled in the “right” preschool is extremely daunting. But, it does not have to be.
Most preschools have open houses, which can be a great way to learn about the school and meet the teachers. Also, any good school will let you come and sit in on a class. Finally, your best resource is other moms. Ask your Mom friends or the Moms in your neighborhood where they sent their kids. Word of mouth, I've always found, is the best way to find a reputable anything—from mechanic to preschool.
Another word of advice, do not stress too much about the curriculum. This is preschool we're talking about, not college. Most preschools have generally the same goals: to teach the ABCs and 123s. And, don't forget fun. You certainly don't want your three or four year old to hate school already because she doesn't get to have any fun! I'd pay more attention to the teacher than the curriculum. If the teacher is, as one of my Mom friends put it, “warm and fuzzy” your child is more likely to feel secure and comfortable and want to learn and play with this teacher. Being hard and strict is certainly not a trait to look for in a preschool teacher. Middle school or high school is a better place for a strict, no nonsense teacher.
Lastly, do not spend a lot of money on preschool. As with most things, just because it costs more does not mean it is better. I learned this lesson the hard way and wasted hundreds of dollars on a preschool that was not any better than the much cheaper one my friends sent their kids to. Bottom line, pick a school that is relatively close to your house, is reasonably priced, and, most importantly, has a warm and fuzzy teacher waiting to welcome your child into the world of learning.
Learn to be Flexible
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Learn to be Flexible
By, Michelle Harmon
Like any mother of an almost-two-year old, it has occurred to me that I must begin arming myself for one of the many feats of parenting—potty training. Having potty trained three children successfully, and virtually painlessly, I should enter into this realm of parenthood with my youngest toddler holding my head high, confident in the knowledge that I know what to expect, that I can be patient, that potty training is a battle I can win. And yet, I approach the potty training of my son with much trepidation. I have never potty trained a boy before—all my other children are girls!
As is my way with most everything, when I am unsure or I don't know a lot about something, I do two things. First, I hit the books (and the internet) and read up on the topic. I have done that and have learned that boys generally take longer to potty train than girls, they tend to have more accidents than girls, and, yes, you do indeed start them out sitting down on the potty before you try to teach them how to stand and go potty without spraying all over the bathroom. Feeling more informed but not that much more confident, I decided to do the second thing I always do when faced with a parenting obstacle—ask other moms.
After talking to my Mom friends who have potty trained their sons or who are in the midst of doing so, I learned that the information I gleaned from the books and the internet was fairly accurate, though, you always have that one mom in the group who has no trouble at all with potty training or anything else, for that matter (you know the one!). Now, I felt armed with information and comforted by the encouragement of my Mom friends. I decided that I was ready. It was time to purchase the potty chair, the Pull-ups and begin introducing my son to the toilet. My son loves cars, and I found the perfect potty seat—a Cars seat with roads and street signs and cars on it—he would love it! I left the store feeling excitement about commencing potty training. He would be super excited about the potty seat, and I would have no problem getting him to sit on the chair. I was on a total Mom-high when I got home! I could not wait to see my son's face when I pulled out that awesome potty seat!
Once home, I unwrapped the potty seat, thinking it looked even cooler out of the box, and I happily placed the potty seat in the bathroom, knowing that my little man would get such a kick out of this seat that he would have no trouble sitting down on it, and, thus, beginning the potty training! So, called my son into the bathroom. He came toddling in, happy as a clam, that is, until he saw the potty seat. He took one look at it and ran as fast as his little legs would carry him out of the bathroom, crying! I was dumfounded. I brought him back into the bathroom and touched the potty seat, saying, “See, look at the cars! Now you can go potty like a big boy!” My son would have none of it. He cried, “No, bite!” and hid in the corner of the room, eying the potty chair (and me) suspiciously and crying. At a total loss, I scooped him up and took him out of the bathroom. I couldn't believe it! My potty seat dreams were shattered! Where had I gone wrong?! My son thought the chair would bite him! Why on earth did he think that? I have no idea.
After thinking about this incident later, I realized that this episode was just another lesson I had to learn about parenting a toddler. Toddlers are trying to make sense of the world around them and, as they do so, they may act out irrationally, they may even break your heart, but the lesson is that you just have to be flexible. Everybody learns how to go potty, eventually. Just as every toddler eventually will sleep through the night or give up his binky. As a mom, you just have to roll with the punches (and the wails and the screams) and give up a little control. With a toddler, almost nothing goes according to plan. That night, I hid the potty chair and decided to rethink my strategy.
Learn to be Flexible
By, Michelle Harmon
Like any mother of an almost-two-year old, it has occurred to me that I must begin arming myself for one of the many feats of parenting—potty training. Having potty trained three children successfully, and virtually painlessly, I should enter into this realm of parenthood with my youngest toddler holding my head high, confident in the knowledge that I know what to expect, that I can be patient, that potty training is a battle I can win. And yet, I approach the potty training of my son with much trepidation. I have never potty trained a boy before—all my other children are girls!
As is my way with most everything, when I am unsure or I don't know a lot about something, I do two things. First, I hit the books (and the internet) and read up on the topic. I have done that and have learned that boys generally take longer to potty train than girls, they tend to have more accidents than girls, and, yes, you do indeed start them out sitting down on the potty before you try to teach them how to stand and go potty without spraying all over the bathroom. Feeling more informed but not that much more confident, I decided to do the second thing I always do when faced with a parenting obstacle—ask other moms.
After talking to my Mom friends who have potty trained their sons or who are in the midst of doing so, I learned that the information I gleaned from the books and the internet was fairly accurate, though, you always have that one mom in the group who has no trouble at all with potty training or anything else, for that matter (you know the one!). Now, I felt armed with information and comforted by the encouragement of my Mom friends. I decided that I was ready. It was time to purchase the potty chair, the Pull-ups and begin introducing my son to the toilet. My son loves cars, and I found the perfect potty seat—a Cars seat with roads and street signs and cars on it—he would love it! I left the store feeling excitement about commencing potty training. He would be super excited about the potty seat, and I would have no problem getting him to sit on the chair. I was on a total Mom-high when I got home! I could not wait to see my son's face when I pulled out that awesome potty seat!
Once home, I unwrapped the potty seat, thinking it looked even cooler out of the box, and I happily placed the potty seat in the bathroom, knowing that my little man would get such a kick out of this seat that he would have no trouble sitting down on it, and, thus, beginning the potty training! So, called my son into the bathroom. He came toddling in, happy as a clam, that is, until he saw the potty seat. He took one look at it and ran as fast as his little legs would carry him out of the bathroom, crying! I was dumfounded. I brought him back into the bathroom and touched the potty seat, saying, “See, look at the cars! Now you can go potty like a big boy!” My son would have none of it. He cried, “No, bite!” and hid in the corner of the room, eying the potty chair (and me) suspiciously and crying. At a total loss, I scooped him up and took him out of the bathroom. I couldn't believe it! My potty seat dreams were shattered! Where had I gone wrong?! My son thought the chair would bite him! Why on earth did he think that? I have no idea.
After thinking about this incident later, I realized that this episode was just another lesson I had to learn about parenting a toddler. Toddlers are trying to make sense of the world around them and, as they do so, they may act out irrationally, they may even break your heart, but the lesson is that you just have to be flexible. Everybody learns how to go potty, eventually. Just as every toddler eventually will sleep through the night or give up his binky. As a mom, you just have to roll with the punches (and the wails and the screams) and give up a little control. With a toddler, almost nothing goes according to plan. That night, I hid the potty chair and decided to rethink my strategy.
Just Say No
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Just Say No
By, Michelle Harmon
Snacks for playdate, plan sister's baby shower, cookies for church bake sale, make eye doctor appointment for hubby, son's basketball games Tuesday and Thursday, basketball practice till 5, daughter's ballet on Wednesday and Friday, parent-teacher meeting Thursday, grocery store, meeting on Tuesday, and the list goes on and on. The above looks like a typical week in the life of a busy mom. How do we ever manage it all?
While talking with my Mom friends at a recent playdate, one of the moms confessed, “I have so many things going on this week, that I almost canceled today, but my daughter was so excited to come, that I didn't.” The rest of us moms mumbled and nodded in agreement. We all had too much on our plates, and yet, we still kept right on filling them. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?
I think, as women, we have an innate desire to please others. We are born nurturers, and we feel it our duty to make those around us feel happy. This explains the things we do for our kids and husbands, but what about everybody else? Unfortunately, I think most women care to much what others think and are afraid of being judged by others, especially by other women. If I go to the playdate, will they think I'm being antisocial or a bad mom? If I don't bake cookies for the bake sale, will they think I don't care? We have to stop this way of thinking and realize that if you don't bake cookies for the bake sale, someone else will, and, you know what? That's OK. If you miss one playdate or birthday party, your kid will survive and so will you.
Practice saying no. The next time you are asked to attend an event or to bake something or any other chore of the sort, just say no. It will be hard, at first, but then the relief will set in. You will be able to do the things that you really need to do and maybe even some of the things you want to do and not feel like you're just going through the motions. Don't you ever get tired of feeling like you're on autopilot? Take back the controls, Mom. Just say no.
Just Say No
By, Michelle Harmon
Snacks for playdate, plan sister's baby shower, cookies for church bake sale, make eye doctor appointment for hubby, son's basketball games Tuesday and Thursday, basketball practice till 5, daughter's ballet on Wednesday and Friday, parent-teacher meeting Thursday, grocery store, meeting on Tuesday, and the list goes on and on. The above looks like a typical week in the life of a busy mom. How do we ever manage it all?
While talking with my Mom friends at a recent playdate, one of the moms confessed, “I have so many things going on this week, that I almost canceled today, but my daughter was so excited to come, that I didn't.” The rest of us moms mumbled and nodded in agreement. We all had too much on our plates, and yet, we still kept right on filling them. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?
I think, as women, we have an innate desire to please others. We are born nurturers, and we feel it our duty to make those around us feel happy. This explains the things we do for our kids and husbands, but what about everybody else? Unfortunately, I think most women care to much what others think and are afraid of being judged by others, especially by other women. If I go to the playdate, will they think I'm being antisocial or a bad mom? If I don't bake cookies for the bake sale, will they think I don't care? We have to stop this way of thinking and realize that if you don't bake cookies for the bake sale, someone else will, and, you know what? That's OK. If you miss one playdate or birthday party, your kid will survive and so will you.
Practice saying no. The next time you are asked to attend an event or to bake something or any other chore of the sort, just say no. It will be hard, at first, but then the relief will set in. You will be able to do the things that you really need to do and maybe even some of the things you want to do and not feel like you're just going through the motions. Don't you ever get tired of feeling like you're on autopilot? Take back the controls, Mom. Just say no.
Pick your Battles
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Pick Your Battles
By, Michelle Harmon
I've often heard the expression, “pick your battles” when it comes to dealing with coworkers, when dealing with students (I've been a teacher for ten years), and even when dealing with your spouse. It only occurred to me that other day that this little gem is a wonderful rule of thumb when dealing with your kids—especially preteens and teenagers!
My eleven year old is entering that phase of life that—when I recall my experiences at her age---I cringe. She has recently started to wake up early to straighten her hair before school and wants to wear make up. She is starting to develop physically and wants to be treated more grown up. She wants a Facebook account and a cell phone (YIKES!), and, yet, she always leaves wet towels on the floor and never remembers to clean her room. How do I get through to her?
I have found that if I get on her about every little thing, she closes up and won't talk to me and she acts like she hates me! I remember this. I remember that, at this age, everything is a big deal. So, in her pubescent mind, when I am getting on her for not picking up her room, or hanging up her coat or cleaning up the dishes, I am really saying that she is a huge disappointment. Of course, I don't really think that. But, the point is, this is how I am coming across to my daughter when I choose to go to battle with her over the slightest of errors.
So, next time I notice the towels on the floor, I won't yell and make her come and scoop them up. I'll pick them up myself, and mention to her that I have done so. That way, she realizes her transgression, but she doesn't feel attacked. I will continue to pick my battles. First on the agenda: a cell phone! Not on her life!
Pick Your Battles
By, Michelle Harmon
I've often heard the expression, “pick your battles” when it comes to dealing with coworkers, when dealing with students (I've been a teacher for ten years), and even when dealing with your spouse. It only occurred to me that other day that this little gem is a wonderful rule of thumb when dealing with your kids—especially preteens and teenagers!
My eleven year old is entering that phase of life that—when I recall my experiences at her age---I cringe. She has recently started to wake up early to straighten her hair before school and wants to wear make up. She is starting to develop physically and wants to be treated more grown up. She wants a Facebook account and a cell phone (YIKES!), and, yet, she always leaves wet towels on the floor and never remembers to clean her room. How do I get through to her?
I have found that if I get on her about every little thing, she closes up and won't talk to me and she acts like she hates me! I remember this. I remember that, at this age, everything is a big deal. So, in her pubescent mind, when I am getting on her for not picking up her room, or hanging up her coat or cleaning up the dishes, I am really saying that she is a huge disappointment. Of course, I don't really think that. But, the point is, this is how I am coming across to my daughter when I choose to go to battle with her over the slightest of errors.
So, next time I notice the towels on the floor, I won't yell and make her come and scoop them up. I'll pick them up myself, and mention to her that I have done so. That way, she realizes her transgression, but she doesn't feel attacked. I will continue to pick my battles. First on the agenda: a cell phone! Not on her life!
Stepmotherhood
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Stepmotherhood
By, Michelle Harmon
Just like being a “real” Mom, being a step mom can be at once daunting and rewarding. In the Summer of 2007, the mother of three girls and the father of two boys got married and formed their very own Brady Bunch. But, unlike the Brady's, the kids didn't immediately get along, the new step parents didn't exactly know what they were doing, nor was there a witty housekeeper ready with a one-liner whenever things got a little hairy. Nonetheless, three years and another child later, this family of eight has managed to coexist happily with only the occasional bump in the road.
This family is my family, and I have learned much about being a step mom this past years. First off, I have learned that a step mom is not the same thing as a child's real mom and that one should not strive to be as such. Rather, as a step mom, you must be yourself and let your stepchildren love you for you and not because you are like or do things like his real mom. I remember early on, I was making spaghetti, and I put sausage and ground beef in it, like I always do, and my stepson wrinkled his nose and said, “My Mom doesn't make spaghetti like this.” At first, I was a little hurt and considered revising my recipe the next time. Then, it occurred to me that I don't need to change for my step kids anymore than they need to change for me. So, I kept on making spaghetti the same as I always have, and, guess what? It is my stepson's favorite dish. Now, they can think of me and my spaghetti. Just like I can think of them and the way the do whatever it is they each do. Be yourself. It never pays to try to be like someone else.
Likewise, house rules are very important. My stepsons do not live with us full time, and this fact posed some problems at first because the way I run my household was not the same way that their mother runs hers. However, my husband and I soon realized that we must adhere to the household rules and keep things running the same way when the boys are here. This made things easier for all the kids. My girls knew that just because their stepbrothers were over didn't mean that bedtimes were later or they didn't have chores. And my stepsons learned that even though they don't have chores at their house, all the kids do chores at our house. Yes, it was a challenge at first, but now they are used to it. And doing the chores and following the house rules lets them know that this is their home, too. They are not just visiting; they are one of us. So, don't bend the rules if you have part-time step kids because you want them to be happy and have fun while they are with you. They will be happy knowing that they are part of the group. And, your full-time kids will be happy that everyone is treated fairly.
Final thoughts: Stepmotherhood isn't easy, but it isn't impossible, either. They're just kids, afterall. Love them, be yourself, get respect, don't try to be their friend and you'll be just fine.
Stepmotherhood
By, Michelle Harmon
Just like being a “real” Mom, being a step mom can be at once daunting and rewarding. In the Summer of 2007, the mother of three girls and the father of two boys got married and formed their very own Brady Bunch. But, unlike the Brady's, the kids didn't immediately get along, the new step parents didn't exactly know what they were doing, nor was there a witty housekeeper ready with a one-liner whenever things got a little hairy. Nonetheless, three years and another child later, this family of eight has managed to coexist happily with only the occasional bump in the road.
This family is my family, and I have learned much about being a step mom this past years. First off, I have learned that a step mom is not the same thing as a child's real mom and that one should not strive to be as such. Rather, as a step mom, you must be yourself and let your stepchildren love you for you and not because you are like or do things like his real mom. I remember early on, I was making spaghetti, and I put sausage and ground beef in it, like I always do, and my stepson wrinkled his nose and said, “My Mom doesn't make spaghetti like this.” At first, I was a little hurt and considered revising my recipe the next time. Then, it occurred to me that I don't need to change for my step kids anymore than they need to change for me. So, I kept on making spaghetti the same as I always have, and, guess what? It is my stepson's favorite dish. Now, they can think of me and my spaghetti. Just like I can think of them and the way the do whatever it is they each do. Be yourself. It never pays to try to be like someone else.
Likewise, house rules are very important. My stepsons do not live with us full time, and this fact posed some problems at first because the way I run my household was not the same way that their mother runs hers. However, my husband and I soon realized that we must adhere to the household rules and keep things running the same way when the boys are here. This made things easier for all the kids. My girls knew that just because their stepbrothers were over didn't mean that bedtimes were later or they didn't have chores. And my stepsons learned that even though they don't have chores at their house, all the kids do chores at our house. Yes, it was a challenge at first, but now they are used to it. And doing the chores and following the house rules lets them know that this is their home, too. They are not just visiting; they are one of us. So, don't bend the rules if you have part-time step kids because you want them to be happy and have fun while they are with you. They will be happy knowing that they are part of the group. And, your full-time kids will be happy that everyone is treated fairly.
Final thoughts: Stepmotherhood isn't easy, but it isn't impossible, either. They're just kids, afterall. Love them, be yourself, get respect, don't try to be their friend and you'll be just fine.
Tough Questions
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Answering the Tough Questions
By, Michelle Harmon
Like Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby taught us, “kids say the darndest things.” And, as a parent, you've probably noticed that kids ask the darndest questions, too! So, when your child comes home for school (they always pick up a few wild notions or two from their classmates) and asks you a real whopper—how do you answer?
Take, for example, my five-year old daughter, a Kindergartener—she came home from school the other day and asked me, “Mom, is it true that sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls? One of the boys in my class said that, but I didn't believe him because you're a girl and Dad is a boy and you're married.” Don't you love kid-logic? I was a little stunned at this one. But, I realized that the best approach is honesty. Honesty is the best policy, after all—at least that's what Mom always said. So, I looked my little girl in the eye and told her the truth. “Yes, Peyton,” I explained, “sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls.” Notice I used her language and didn't get into the politics of the complicated subject, nor did I impose any personal opinions on her. What would be the point of that? She wouldn't understand it, anyway. I answered her question, simply, honestly. More importantly, I let her know that she can ask me whatever questions she wants, nothing is off limits. Hopefully, this will carry over into her pre-teen and teen years. A Mom can hope, can't she?
Furthermore, like any good teacher, I believe that knowledge is power. It is important for kids to know things, to know what is going on in their world and to know the terms and definitions for all sorts of things. For example, my eight-year old said that a kid at school called her a “lesbian,” but she didn't know what it was, so she couldn't respond or even tell if it was a bad thing or a good thing to be called. I told her what the definition of lesbian is. She just laughed and said, “Well, he was wrong.” Now, she knows what the word means, she doesn't have to feel confused or threatened. She's armed with knowledge.
Final thoughts: I don't pretend to have all the answers, and I'm sure that my kids will come up with questions that are particularly daunting, embarrassing or difficult to answer. But, I'll tell you this, whatever the question, I will do my best to answer it truthfully. And, if I don't know the answer or just can't explain, I will find the answer and give it to them, or I'll tell them to go ask their Dad. Dad knows, right?
Answering the Tough Questions
By, Michelle Harmon
Like Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby taught us, “kids say the darndest things.” And, as a parent, you've probably noticed that kids ask the darndest questions, too! So, when your child comes home for school (they always pick up a few wild notions or two from their classmates) and asks you a real whopper—how do you answer?
Take, for example, my five-year old daughter, a Kindergartener—she came home from school the other day and asked me, “Mom, is it true that sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls? One of the boys in my class said that, but I didn't believe him because you're a girl and Dad is a boy and you're married.” Don't you love kid-logic? I was a little stunned at this one. But, I realized that the best approach is honesty. Honesty is the best policy, after all—at least that's what Mom always said. So, I looked my little girl in the eye and told her the truth. “Yes, Peyton,” I explained, “sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls.” Notice I used her language and didn't get into the politics of the complicated subject, nor did I impose any personal opinions on her. What would be the point of that? She wouldn't understand it, anyway. I answered her question, simply, honestly. More importantly, I let her know that she can ask me whatever questions she wants, nothing is off limits. Hopefully, this will carry over into her pre-teen and teen years. A Mom can hope, can't she?
Furthermore, like any good teacher, I believe that knowledge is power. It is important for kids to know things, to know what is going on in their world and to know the terms and definitions for all sorts of things. For example, my eight-year old said that a kid at school called her a “lesbian,” but she didn't know what it was, so she couldn't respond or even tell if it was a bad thing or a good thing to be called. I told her what the definition of lesbian is. She just laughed and said, “Well, he was wrong.” Now, she knows what the word means, she doesn't have to feel confused or threatened. She's armed with knowledge.
Final thoughts: I don't pretend to have all the answers, and I'm sure that my kids will come up with questions that are particularly daunting, embarrassing or difficult to answer. But, I'll tell you this, whatever the question, I will do my best to answer it truthfully. And, if I don't know the answer or just can't explain, I will find the answer and give it to them, or I'll tell them to go ask their Dad. Dad knows, right?
Redshirting
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Redshirting or Possibly Repeating Kindergarten
By, Michelle Harmon
Redshirting. Have you heard of this? I just learned the meaning of it myself, recently. Redshirting is, apparently, the new term for holding children back from starting Kindergarten. That is, instead of sending your child to Kindergarten when she turns five, you keep her home (or at preschool) for another year and send her when she is six. It seems that more and more parents are opting for redshirting, given the expected benefits of doing so.
Redshirting allows your child to mature a bit more emotionally and intellectually before entering into Kindergarten. Most kids who are redshirted have less trouble adjusting to school and tend to do well academically. My suggestion if you do decide to redshirt your child, is that you have him in a preschool program or you work with him at home on the basics: alphabet, letter sounds, colors and numbers. Your Kindergarten teacher will undoubtedly expect him to comprehend such things more easily since he is older. I would also make sure that he has had the opportunity to socialize, at least somewhat, with kids his own age, whether in a preschool setting or through playdates, etc.
If your child is already in Kindergarten and is struggling, there is no shame in having your child repeat Kindergarten. I just had a conference last week with my daughter's Kindergarten teacher. My daughter is a young five and is struggling with letter sounds, handwriting and so forth. The teacher indicated that she may have to repeat Kindergarten if she doesn't improve by the Spring. Having dealt with parents who typically push their kids forward, the teacher was hesitate to tell me that she may repeat and seemed overly relieved when I told her that I was okay with the prospect of her repeating Kindergarten.
The way I see it, Kindergarten and the Elementary grades are the building blocks for your child's educational success. If your child doesn't have a strong foundation in reading and math, he will struggle the rest of his academic career. No parent wants to set her kid up for failure. So, again, it is okay to have your child repeat Kindergarten, likewise it is okay to redshirt him.
Finally, you know your child best. If he's five and you don't think he's ready for Kindergarten, don't send him. It's really as simple as that. He won't know the difference, and the school will support your decision, either way. Additionally, if your child is already in Kindergarten, but she is struggling. Let her repeat Kindergarten next year. Don't send her off to flounder in first grade. This will only cause her undo stress and will damage her self-esteem. You don't want her to learn to hate school at this age! She has her junior high years for that...
Redshirting or Possibly Repeating Kindergarten
By, Michelle Harmon
Redshirting. Have you heard of this? I just learned the meaning of it myself, recently. Redshirting is, apparently, the new term for holding children back from starting Kindergarten. That is, instead of sending your child to Kindergarten when she turns five, you keep her home (or at preschool) for another year and send her when she is six. It seems that more and more parents are opting for redshirting, given the expected benefits of doing so.
Redshirting allows your child to mature a bit more emotionally and intellectually before entering into Kindergarten. Most kids who are redshirted have less trouble adjusting to school and tend to do well academically. My suggestion if you do decide to redshirt your child, is that you have him in a preschool program or you work with him at home on the basics: alphabet, letter sounds, colors and numbers. Your Kindergarten teacher will undoubtedly expect him to comprehend such things more easily since he is older. I would also make sure that he has had the opportunity to socialize, at least somewhat, with kids his own age, whether in a preschool setting or through playdates, etc.
If your child is already in Kindergarten and is struggling, there is no shame in having your child repeat Kindergarten. I just had a conference last week with my daughter's Kindergarten teacher. My daughter is a young five and is struggling with letter sounds, handwriting and so forth. The teacher indicated that she may have to repeat Kindergarten if she doesn't improve by the Spring. Having dealt with parents who typically push their kids forward, the teacher was hesitate to tell me that she may repeat and seemed overly relieved when I told her that I was okay with the prospect of her repeating Kindergarten.
The way I see it, Kindergarten and the Elementary grades are the building blocks for your child's educational success. If your child doesn't have a strong foundation in reading and math, he will struggle the rest of his academic career. No parent wants to set her kid up for failure. So, again, it is okay to have your child repeat Kindergarten, likewise it is okay to redshirt him.
Finally, you know your child best. If he's five and you don't think he's ready for Kindergarten, don't send him. It's really as simple as that. He won't know the difference, and the school will support your decision, either way. Additionally, if your child is already in Kindergarten, but she is struggling. Let her repeat Kindergarten next year. Don't send her off to flounder in first grade. This will only cause her undo stress and will damage her self-esteem. You don't want her to learn to hate school at this age! She has her junior high years for that...
Time Flies
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
One Minute You're Dropping Them off at Kindergarten, the Next Minute, They're Graduating from High School
By, Michelle Harmon
This week my oldest daughter turned 11. 11! I can hardly believe it! Where has the time gone? I can remember being 11; how is it possible that I am old enough to have a daughter who is 11?! Of course, my daughter was super-excited about turning 11. “That means,” she informed me, beaming, “that I will be a teenager in two years!” SCREECH! I could hear my thoughts come to a grinding stop. A teenager! Then, my thoughts started spinning around and around in my head as I remembered how I was as a teenager, what I had done, what I had said to my parents, how I had lied and snuck out and fell in love and... “Mom!” my son's demanding wail brought me back to the present. I got a grip on myself and refilled my son's sippy cup, and looking at him, I remembered how my daughter looked and sounded at his age. I also remembered what my mother had told me when Zoe (my 11 year old) was crawling and I was so excited for her to start walking, she said, “Don't wish time away, you won't believe me now, but I am telling you, one minute you're dropping them off at Kindergarten and the next minute, they're graduating from high school. That's how fast it goes.” At the time, I remember rolling my eyes and not paying to much attention to my mother's sage advice.
Now, I know it to be true. This week my oldest turns 11. Next week, my youngest will turn 2, and I miss the old versions of themselves that I used to hold and rock to sleep. All the nights I stayed awake rocking my baby girl to sleep or crying right along with my son as he wailed with colic, I had prayed for them to grow bigger, so I could get some rest. Now, I realize how important it is to live in the moment, to never wish time would go by faster. It goes by fast enough. Now, sometimes I wish I could hit the brakes and keep my little man 1 for a few more years. But, I can't do that. Time just keeps moving. So, Mamas, don't ever wish your baby was crawling or walking ro talking before his time, enjoy holding him; enjoy every quiet moment; document every smile, every tear. I often hear Moms saying that they can't wait for their kids to be in school, then, maybe they can get things done! True, there is a certain amount of freedom that a Mom gets when her kids are at school all day, but you'll miss the days when they were at home with you. Once they start school, time seems to go even faster as they start to explore the world without you. Be patient, let time pass as it must. I'm telling you this: one minute you're dropping them off at kindergarten, and the next minute, they're graduating from high school.
One Minute You're Dropping Them off at Kindergarten, the Next Minute, They're Graduating from High School
By, Michelle Harmon
This week my oldest daughter turned 11. 11! I can hardly believe it! Where has the time gone? I can remember being 11; how is it possible that I am old enough to have a daughter who is 11?! Of course, my daughter was super-excited about turning 11. “That means,” she informed me, beaming, “that I will be a teenager in two years!” SCREECH! I could hear my thoughts come to a grinding stop. A teenager! Then, my thoughts started spinning around and around in my head as I remembered how I was as a teenager, what I had done, what I had said to my parents, how I had lied and snuck out and fell in love and... “Mom!” my son's demanding wail brought me back to the present. I got a grip on myself and refilled my son's sippy cup, and looking at him, I remembered how my daughter looked and sounded at his age. I also remembered what my mother had told me when Zoe (my 11 year old) was crawling and I was so excited for her to start walking, she said, “Don't wish time away, you won't believe me now, but I am telling you, one minute you're dropping them off at Kindergarten and the next minute, they're graduating from high school. That's how fast it goes.” At the time, I remember rolling my eyes and not paying to much attention to my mother's sage advice.
Now, I know it to be true. This week my oldest turns 11. Next week, my youngest will turn 2, and I miss the old versions of themselves that I used to hold and rock to sleep. All the nights I stayed awake rocking my baby girl to sleep or crying right along with my son as he wailed with colic, I had prayed for them to grow bigger, so I could get some rest. Now, I realize how important it is to live in the moment, to never wish time would go by faster. It goes by fast enough. Now, sometimes I wish I could hit the brakes and keep my little man 1 for a few more years. But, I can't do that. Time just keeps moving. So, Mamas, don't ever wish your baby was crawling or walking ro talking before his time, enjoy holding him; enjoy every quiet moment; document every smile, every tear. I often hear Moms saying that they can't wait for their kids to be in school, then, maybe they can get things done! True, there is a certain amount of freedom that a Mom gets when her kids are at school all day, but you'll miss the days when they were at home with you. Once they start school, time seems to go even faster as they start to explore the world without you. Be patient, let time pass as it must. I'm telling you this: one minute you're dropping them off at kindergarten, and the next minute, they're graduating from high school.
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