Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sending out the Search Party
If I could only give one piece of advice to a new mom, it would be this: don't get lost. Don't get lost. It is too easy to lose yourself in the shuffle of diapers and cleaning and laundry and playdates and lunches and backpacks, etc. Till one day you look around and you wonder, where did I go? Where is that woman I once knew? I don't see her anywhere! You look around your place and all you see our representations of your kids, their toys, their pictures, their drawings, their messes...just them. No you. I think I lost myself somewhere back in 2001 or maybe 2002. I'm sending out the search party.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Different is Good
Encourage your Child to be Different
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/24/10:
Peer pressure is something that we all deal with almost all the time. Ever look at your neighbor's lawn and compare it to yours? You don't want your lawn to look any less green or maintained than your neighbor's, right? If you think about it, that's peer pressure. It's subtle, but it is a form of peer pressure, nonetheless. Have you ever gone to party for your boss or a co-worker even though you really did not want to go, but you thought that you should? Ever pitch in for flowers or a gift for a coworker you don't like just because everyone else in the office was pitching in? Peer pressure is a reality, and it never really goes away, but when you are a teenager or a preteen, the pressure to fit in, to be like everyone else can be exhausting, scary, and, even, dangerous. So, how do you help your child through this difficult stage in her life? Encourage your child to be different.
Luckily, we live in a society in which individuality is generally celebrated. It's okay not to be like everybody else. Let your child know this, and encourage her to be her own person at every turn. This will help your child to learn who she really is and what really matters to her. This, in turn, will boost self-esteem and give her the tools to fight peer pressure.
For example, if your son asks you to buy him a certain pair of shoes because everyone else has them, refuse. Oh yes, your child will think you are mean, but by refusing you are teaching him that he does not have to be like everyone else. Now, if he had asked you for the shoes because he genuinely liked them and they expressed his own style, then, I'd say, go for it. But, if he only wants them because the other guys have him, then, he does not need them. Encourage him to pick out a pair that are unique to him and his style. This will reinforce the notion that different is good, and he is good and worthy. So, maybe when one of his buddies offers him a smoke in the school bathroom, he'll have the strength to say no.
Summing up, encourage your child to be different at every turn. I'm not saying you encourage your daughter to don rainbow-colored hair and a tutu at school, but you encourage her to express herself, to be herself, not to be a photocopy of everybody else. This will help her to realize that she is worthy and will boost self-esteem, making her stronger against peer pressure. Along the same lines, live this idea yourself. Don't buy a minivan because all the other moms on the block have one. Don't put a windmill on your lawn because your neighbor has one in his yard. Instead, be the only house in your neighborhood that decorates for Halloween. Go all out! Show the neighbors who you are; show your kids that different is good. I can't wait for Halloween this year—my neighbors won't know what hit them!
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/24/10:
Peer pressure is something that we all deal with almost all the time. Ever look at your neighbor's lawn and compare it to yours? You don't want your lawn to look any less green or maintained than your neighbor's, right? If you think about it, that's peer pressure. It's subtle, but it is a form of peer pressure, nonetheless. Have you ever gone to party for your boss or a co-worker even though you really did not want to go, but you thought that you should? Ever pitch in for flowers or a gift for a coworker you don't like just because everyone else in the office was pitching in? Peer pressure is a reality, and it never really goes away, but when you are a teenager or a preteen, the pressure to fit in, to be like everyone else can be exhausting, scary, and, even, dangerous. So, how do you help your child through this difficult stage in her life? Encourage your child to be different.
Luckily, we live in a society in which individuality is generally celebrated. It's okay not to be like everybody else. Let your child know this, and encourage her to be her own person at every turn. This will help your child to learn who she really is and what really matters to her. This, in turn, will boost self-esteem and give her the tools to fight peer pressure.
For example, if your son asks you to buy him a certain pair of shoes because everyone else has them, refuse. Oh yes, your child will think you are mean, but by refusing you are teaching him that he does not have to be like everyone else. Now, if he had asked you for the shoes because he genuinely liked them and they expressed his own style, then, I'd say, go for it. But, if he only wants them because the other guys have him, then, he does not need them. Encourage him to pick out a pair that are unique to him and his style. This will reinforce the notion that different is good, and he is good and worthy. So, maybe when one of his buddies offers him a smoke in the school bathroom, he'll have the strength to say no.
Summing up, encourage your child to be different at every turn. I'm not saying you encourage your daughter to don rainbow-colored hair and a tutu at school, but you encourage her to express herself, to be herself, not to be a photocopy of everybody else. This will help her to realize that she is worthy and will boost self-esteem, making her stronger against peer pressure. Along the same lines, live this idea yourself. Don't buy a minivan because all the other moms on the block have one. Don't put a windmill on your lawn because your neighbor has one in his yard. Instead, be the only house in your neighborhood that decorates for Halloween. Go all out! Show the neighbors who you are; show your kids that different is good. I can't wait for Halloween this year—my neighbors won't know what hit them!
Not Just a Number
Stop Focusing on the Numbers
By, Michelle Harmon, as published on 8/14/10:
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published on 8/14/10:
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
Raise a Reader
Raising a Reader
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/17/10:
Every Mom knows that reading is an essential skill for success in school and, let's face it, in life. Any teacher will tell you that the students who score the best on standardized tests, who have the best grades, and who generally like school are good readers. Beyond just the academic benefits of reading, most of us want to rear children who enjoy reading, who want to read because it's fun, not because the teacher or because Mom says they have to. So, how can we, as Moms, raise readers?
First, start them when they are young. From the time your child is born, read to him. Read him books, not just at bedtime, but as often as you can. Further, when you read to him, ask him questions about the pictures, and, as he gets older, ask him questions about the characters, the plot, and the meaning of the story you are reading. You will not only be helping your child to see that reading is fun, but you will helping him to develop comprehension skills by discussing the books.
Next, be a good role model. Read. Let your child see you reading instead of watching TV or sitting in front of the computer. What your children see you do has a much bigger impact on what they do than you probably even realize. Let's think about it. Kids whose parents smoke are much more likely to smoke when they grow up. Likewise, kids whose parents read are much more likely to read than kids whose parents spend their nights in front of the TV. While growing up, my mother was never without a book. I watched her read every night as a child, and, yes, she read to me when I was little. And, guess what? I grew up to be a voracious reader.
Also, take advantage of your local library. Take your kids to the library often to check out books. However, don't stop there. Take your child to fun library events that will help foster the notion that reading is, indeed, fun. Along those same lines, take advantage of the fact that many books are now ending up as movies. If your child loves wants to see the new Ramona movie, read the book with her first. My middle daughter got hooked on the Twilight series after having seen the first movie. Since then, she has read every sequel.
Finally, you might want to consider instituting a reading hour in your house. This is a time when the TV gets turned off, the phone is answered, the computer is off-limits and every member of the family reads. For younger ones, this may be a time when you read to them. For the older kids, this is a time when it's quiet and they get to read a book of their choice, and so do you. Your child may groan the first time you switch off the TV and declare, “reading hour.” But, eventually, she will begin to look forward to this peaceful time together.
Happy Reading!
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/17/10:
Every Mom knows that reading is an essential skill for success in school and, let's face it, in life. Any teacher will tell you that the students who score the best on standardized tests, who have the best grades, and who generally like school are good readers. Beyond just the academic benefits of reading, most of us want to rear children who enjoy reading, who want to read because it's fun, not because the teacher or because Mom says they have to. So, how can we, as Moms, raise readers?
First, start them when they are young. From the time your child is born, read to him. Read him books, not just at bedtime, but as often as you can. Further, when you read to him, ask him questions about the pictures, and, as he gets older, ask him questions about the characters, the plot, and the meaning of the story you are reading. You will not only be helping your child to see that reading is fun, but you will helping him to develop comprehension skills by discussing the books.
Next, be a good role model. Read. Let your child see you reading instead of watching TV or sitting in front of the computer. What your children see you do has a much bigger impact on what they do than you probably even realize. Let's think about it. Kids whose parents smoke are much more likely to smoke when they grow up. Likewise, kids whose parents read are much more likely to read than kids whose parents spend their nights in front of the TV. While growing up, my mother was never without a book. I watched her read every night as a child, and, yes, she read to me when I was little. And, guess what? I grew up to be a voracious reader.
Also, take advantage of your local library. Take your kids to the library often to check out books. However, don't stop there. Take your child to fun library events that will help foster the notion that reading is, indeed, fun. Along those same lines, take advantage of the fact that many books are now ending up as movies. If your child loves wants to see the new Ramona movie, read the book with her first. My middle daughter got hooked on the Twilight series after having seen the first movie. Since then, she has read every sequel.
Finally, you might want to consider instituting a reading hour in your house. This is a time when the TV gets turned off, the phone is answered, the computer is off-limits and every member of the family reads. For younger ones, this may be a time when you read to them. For the older kids, this is a time when it's quiet and they get to read a book of their choice, and so do you. Your child may groan the first time you switch off the TV and declare, “reading hour.” But, eventually, she will begin to look forward to this peaceful time together.
Happy Reading!
Advice for New Moms
New Mom Survival Guide
by, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Arugus, 7/10/10:
This week's column if for you new moms—the ones over the moon gazing over their precious bundles of joy. The ones wondering when their last shower was, who have forgotten the smell of clothes minus spit-up and urine, the ones whose friends wonder if they will ever leave the house! Here's the deal, new Mama, take a shower, yes, fix your hair, and, for God's sake, get out of the house!
Motherhood is wonderful and, let's face it, a little bit scary when you're new at it. If you've ever watched a new mother with her baby, they are very easy to spot—new moms hover over the baby like they are waiting for it to explode or something! And, I'll bet, if you've been around a new mom and her baby, you probably haven't even heard that baby cry! New moms swoop up babies at the first sign of a whimper!
So, new moms, first things first. Babies cry. They cry because they can't talk. They can't tell you what the want, so they cry. When your baby cries, it doesn't always mean she is hungry, so don't whip out the bottle or the boob at every whimper! Sometimes, they cry because they are bored, tired, too warm, too cold, or over-stimulated. Try other things to ease your babies tears, otherwise you may actually end up over-feeding her and exhausting yourself and ending up with both of you being covered in spit-up—again! Get to know your babies cries. They are different. If you let your baby cry a little and really listen to her, you will begin to learn what a hungry cry sounds like as opposed to a wet diaper cry and so on. Babies are supposed to cry; it doesn't make you a baby mother.
Next, you have got to get yourself out of the house a little. If you're a nursing mom, this may take a little more finesse and preparation, but you can do it. I'm not suggesting you go out and paint the town red or anything. Just enlist the help of Daddy or Grandma or another dependable sitter and go get your nails down, have lunch with a girlfriend, or even just go to the grocery store by yourself. I used to love to just go to Starbucks and sit with a latte and a good book for a few hours by myself when my kids were newborns; it worked to calm me down and learn to really love being a mom. These little outings will do and your baby some good. It's much easier to enjoy your baby and motherhood, in general, when you allow yourself to still be you.
Also, accept help. It does not mean that you aren't a good mom if your mother comes over and cleans the house for you while you get some much needed shut eye. It speaks nothing of your skills as a mother if your neighbor brings you a casserole, so you don't have to worry about cooking dinner. Don't set yourself up for, what I like to call, Super Mom burn-out, from the very beginning! Ask for help if you need it, and, for Heaven's sake, accept it if it is offered!
Finally, don't spend gobs of money on baby clothes—they grow out of them really fast! Do take lots of pictures; don't worry yourself over every little cry or whimper or (later on) skinned knee. Do realize how blessed you are and enjoy the ride...
by, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Arugus, 7/10/10:
This week's column if for you new moms—the ones over the moon gazing over their precious bundles of joy. The ones wondering when their last shower was, who have forgotten the smell of clothes minus spit-up and urine, the ones whose friends wonder if they will ever leave the house! Here's the deal, new Mama, take a shower, yes, fix your hair, and, for God's sake, get out of the house!
Motherhood is wonderful and, let's face it, a little bit scary when you're new at it. If you've ever watched a new mother with her baby, they are very easy to spot—new moms hover over the baby like they are waiting for it to explode or something! And, I'll bet, if you've been around a new mom and her baby, you probably haven't even heard that baby cry! New moms swoop up babies at the first sign of a whimper!
So, new moms, first things first. Babies cry. They cry because they can't talk. They can't tell you what the want, so they cry. When your baby cries, it doesn't always mean she is hungry, so don't whip out the bottle or the boob at every whimper! Sometimes, they cry because they are bored, tired, too warm, too cold, or over-stimulated. Try other things to ease your babies tears, otherwise you may actually end up over-feeding her and exhausting yourself and ending up with both of you being covered in spit-up—again! Get to know your babies cries. They are different. If you let your baby cry a little and really listen to her, you will begin to learn what a hungry cry sounds like as opposed to a wet diaper cry and so on. Babies are supposed to cry; it doesn't make you a baby mother.
Next, you have got to get yourself out of the house a little. If you're a nursing mom, this may take a little more finesse and preparation, but you can do it. I'm not suggesting you go out and paint the town red or anything. Just enlist the help of Daddy or Grandma or another dependable sitter and go get your nails down, have lunch with a girlfriend, or even just go to the grocery store by yourself. I used to love to just go to Starbucks and sit with a latte and a good book for a few hours by myself when my kids were newborns; it worked to calm me down and learn to really love being a mom. These little outings will do and your baby some good. It's much easier to enjoy your baby and motherhood, in general, when you allow yourself to still be you.
Also, accept help. It does not mean that you aren't a good mom if your mother comes over and cleans the house for you while you get some much needed shut eye. It speaks nothing of your skills as a mother if your neighbor brings you a casserole, so you don't have to worry about cooking dinner. Don't set yourself up for, what I like to call, Super Mom burn-out, from the very beginning! Ask for help if you need it, and, for Heaven's sake, accept it if it is offered!
Finally, don't spend gobs of money on baby clothes—they grow out of them really fast! Do take lots of pictures; don't worry yourself over every little cry or whimper or (later on) skinned knee. Do realize how blessed you are and enjoy the ride...
Belonging
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, Sat. July 3, 2010:
Belonging at Home
By, Michelle Harmon
It's summer. The kids are out of school, and if your house is anything like mine, your preteen or teen spends very little time at home. Last week, I think my daughter treated our home like a Motel 8. She came home to sleep and maybe eat an occasional meal or two, then, she was gone, again. And, I got to thinking, this can't be good.
It isn't. Of course we want our kids to have fun and make friends, but kids have to understand that there first priority is to the their family. How can your child contribute to the family when he's gone most of the time? Even more than that, if your child isn't home long enough for you to spend quality time together and really get to know each other, then how will you foster a sense of belonging in your child? Think of your family like an elite club, like the American Legion or the Moose Lodge, if the members never show up for events or to pay their dues, then they are going to care very little about the other members, about the club itself, and they will not really belong to the club. Same thing in families.
As parents (or Lodge presidents), we have to ensure that each member contributes in some way and that each member feels special. We want our members to continue their membership year after year, right? We want our kids to know that no matter what, they are always are part of the family, and they can always come home, right?
So, the next time your child wants to go out for the third night in a row, think twice. Spend some time with her instead. Yes, she may object, at first, but eventually, she'll realize just how important she is to you and to the family. She will know that she has an important place with you and her siblings. Then, she may even decide that she wants to spend some time with just the family, the elite club that not everybody gets to be a part of.
Belonging at Home
By, Michelle Harmon
It's summer. The kids are out of school, and if your house is anything like mine, your preteen or teen spends very little time at home. Last week, I think my daughter treated our home like a Motel 8. She came home to sleep and maybe eat an occasional meal or two, then, she was gone, again. And, I got to thinking, this can't be good.
It isn't. Of course we want our kids to have fun and make friends, but kids have to understand that there first priority is to the their family. How can your child contribute to the family when he's gone most of the time? Even more than that, if your child isn't home long enough for you to spend quality time together and really get to know each other, then how will you foster a sense of belonging in your child? Think of your family like an elite club, like the American Legion or the Moose Lodge, if the members never show up for events or to pay their dues, then they are going to care very little about the other members, about the club itself, and they will not really belong to the club. Same thing in families.
As parents (or Lodge presidents), we have to ensure that each member contributes in some way and that each member feels special. We want our members to continue their membership year after year, right? We want our kids to know that no matter what, they are always are part of the family, and they can always come home, right?
So, the next time your child wants to go out for the third night in a row, think twice. Spend some time with her instead. Yes, she may object, at first, but eventually, she'll realize just how important she is to you and to the family. She will know that she has an important place with you and her siblings. Then, she may even decide that she wants to spend some time with just the family, the elite club that not everybody gets to be a part of.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
New Kid, Day--whatever the hell!
Okay, so, I've lost track of the days since the great "Leman experiment", forgive me, with four kids, I'm lucky I haven't lost my mind, not to mention my car keys! Anyway, I have been applying Leman's principles for some time now, and I have to admit, the man knows a thing or two! My kids have stepped up to the plate in regards to chores and overall helpfulness. They listen better, well, most of the time. My one continuing battle is with the fighting among the girls. It has gotten better, and I stick with Leman's philosophy of not choosing sides and letting the kids work things out on their own--which, by the way, can be very hard to do, it takes a lot of restraint on my part--most of the time, the girls work it out. Unfortunately, their niceness doesn't last long and within a hour or two (sometimes less), they're at it again!
One very positive thing that has come from letting them work out their own squabbles is that I have noticed that they work better together on solving problems or on agreeing what to do about a certain thing. For example, the other night after a day consisting of several mini-battles between the two older girls, the two girls sat down and discussed the things that the do that get on the other one's nerves. Then, they agreed on strategies to work on these things. I gotta say I was blown away! Then, to top it off, they noticed that Mom does more work around the house than anyone, and they decided that they needed to pitch in more (this came unprovoked, mind you). So, between the two of them, they decided how each of them would contribute more to the household chores. Cue the violins!
One very positive thing that has come from letting them work out their own squabbles is that I have noticed that they work better together on solving problems or on agreeing what to do about a certain thing. For example, the other night after a day consisting of several mini-battles between the two older girls, the two girls sat down and discussed the things that the do that get on the other one's nerves. Then, they agreed on strategies to work on these things. I gotta say I was blown away! Then, to top it off, they noticed that Mom does more work around the house than anyone, and they decided that they needed to pitch in more (this came unprovoked, mind you). So, between the two of them, they decided how each of them would contribute more to the household chores. Cue the violins!
Journal Ideas
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, June 26, 2010:
Journaling Ideas for Parents
By, Michelle Harmon
Some of you keep a journal or a diary where you write down your most intimate thoughts, create poetry, doodles or you may even keep a gratitude journal to remind you of the things in life for which you are grateful. Journaling about your kids and about your experience raising them can be very cathartic, rewarding, and can also remind you to be grateful that you have been given such a grand opportunity to be someone's Mommy.
When my oldest daughter was born, I kept a journal in which I documented her first smile, her first time rolling over and other less monumental events in her babyhood. I also wrote what I was feeling at the time, whether it was awe at the wonder of my child or pure exhaustion. I wrote the journal like I was talking to my daughter. I plan on giving it to her when she is grown and has her own child. If you haven't done this, try it. You won't regret it. Even if your kids are older, any age is full of things to note. And if you don't want to do a whole journal, write your kids letters. Letters that document an event or that even tell of a struggle, letters that are honest and heartfelt. Letters that will help you get out how you feel and that will make your child smile when you present them to her years later.
Another idea is to keep a parenting journal for yourself. Keep this separate from your personal diary and only write things in it that pertain to parenting and your kids. Write about the struggles of potty training and the joy when he finally pooped on the potty! Write about the tumultuous adolescent years and how you got through them. This can be a valuable tool for you to go back and see what techniques worked, not to mention to remember your child at age 2 as he stands before you at age 12. This can also be something that you share with your children when they have children of their own.
Finally, you could keep a journal with your child. That is, a notebook where you write to each other. This can be particularly helpful when the family is going through turmoil like a divorce. Sometimes children (and adults) have a hard time talking about things, but they may find it much easier to write about their feelings. Keep this journal in a special place where your child can write you a message whenever he feels so inclined, and you can write back and he will know where to find it later. This can be a great way to build a close relationship between you and your child.
Happy writing!
Journaling Ideas for Parents
By, Michelle Harmon
Some of you keep a journal or a diary where you write down your most intimate thoughts, create poetry, doodles or you may even keep a gratitude journal to remind you of the things in life for which you are grateful. Journaling about your kids and about your experience raising them can be very cathartic, rewarding, and can also remind you to be grateful that you have been given such a grand opportunity to be someone's Mommy.
When my oldest daughter was born, I kept a journal in which I documented her first smile, her first time rolling over and other less monumental events in her babyhood. I also wrote what I was feeling at the time, whether it was awe at the wonder of my child or pure exhaustion. I wrote the journal like I was talking to my daughter. I plan on giving it to her when she is grown and has her own child. If you haven't done this, try it. You won't regret it. Even if your kids are older, any age is full of things to note. And if you don't want to do a whole journal, write your kids letters. Letters that document an event or that even tell of a struggle, letters that are honest and heartfelt. Letters that will help you get out how you feel and that will make your child smile when you present them to her years later.
Another idea is to keep a parenting journal for yourself. Keep this separate from your personal diary and only write things in it that pertain to parenting and your kids. Write about the struggles of potty training and the joy when he finally pooped on the potty! Write about the tumultuous adolescent years and how you got through them. This can be a valuable tool for you to go back and see what techniques worked, not to mention to remember your child at age 2 as he stands before you at age 12. This can also be something that you share with your children when they have children of their own.
Finally, you could keep a journal with your child. That is, a notebook where you write to each other. This can be particularly helpful when the family is going through turmoil like a divorce. Sometimes children (and adults) have a hard time talking about things, but they may find it much easier to write about their feelings. Keep this journal in a special place where your child can write you a message whenever he feels so inclined, and you can write back and he will know where to find it later. This can be a great way to build a close relationship between you and your child.
Happy writing!
Don't Let 'Em Play You
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, June 19, 2010:
Don't Let Them Play You
By, Michelle Harmon
Mom: “Susie, I told you that you couldn't go to play at Jane's house until your room was picked up.”
Susie: “Dad said I could go.” And, how does Mom respond? Well, what can she say? She can't fault the child if she got permission from Dad. She can't fault Dad, either. So, Mom's stuck. Susie has played her, and there is nothing she can do about it. At least not this time.
The situation is not totally hopeless for Mom, however. Kids are master manipulators and they learn very quickly who is the soft touch, who they can pull one over on. So, first thing you have to do, Mom, is face that fact. All kids are experts at it, and if they are given the opportunity to play you, they will pounce on it like a cougar on a gazelle. So, now that we know this. The first thing you need to do is sit down with Dad and discuss the basic rules of the house and for each child. It's important that you discuss each child because if you have children of varying ages, chances are your expectations for them are different, and, thus so are some of the rules. You discussed; now, come to an agreement. That was the easy part.
The hard part is to never, ever, for any reason falter. That is, if you and your spouse agreed that Susie must complete her homework before she goes over to a friend's house, then, every time this must happen. This rule must be enforced every time no matter how much Susie whines and begs. Susie will probably try to ask one of you, and if she doesn't get the answer she wants, she'll try the other parent. But, this time, you will both have the same answer. You got her! She now knows that Mom and Dad are a united front, and there will be no more playing one against the other.
Now, I do realize that issues will come up that you and your spouse may not have discussed yet. For example, your twelve year old asks you if you can drop her off to see a movie with her friends. You aren't sure what to do. You think it might be okay, but you are not sure if your spouse would agree. You can either make a choice and stick to it. Or, you can wait until Dad comes home and discuss it, then, let your child know if permission will be granted. The better option is to wait until Dad comes home and make the decision together. But, if Dad is away, say on a business trip, and you cannot wait until he gets home. Well, then, Mom, you make the decision and stick with it. You can fill Dad in when he gets home and let him know that you need his support on this. If you work together, your kids will notice. And, whether you know it or not, they will be all the better off for it.
Don't Let Them Play You
By, Michelle Harmon
Mom: “Susie, I told you that you couldn't go to play at Jane's house until your room was picked up.”
Susie: “Dad said I could go.” And, how does Mom respond? Well, what can she say? She can't fault the child if she got permission from Dad. She can't fault Dad, either. So, Mom's stuck. Susie has played her, and there is nothing she can do about it. At least not this time.
The situation is not totally hopeless for Mom, however. Kids are master manipulators and they learn very quickly who is the soft touch, who they can pull one over on. So, first thing you have to do, Mom, is face that fact. All kids are experts at it, and if they are given the opportunity to play you, they will pounce on it like a cougar on a gazelle. So, now that we know this. The first thing you need to do is sit down with Dad and discuss the basic rules of the house and for each child. It's important that you discuss each child because if you have children of varying ages, chances are your expectations for them are different, and, thus so are some of the rules. You discussed; now, come to an agreement. That was the easy part.
The hard part is to never, ever, for any reason falter. That is, if you and your spouse agreed that Susie must complete her homework before she goes over to a friend's house, then, every time this must happen. This rule must be enforced every time no matter how much Susie whines and begs. Susie will probably try to ask one of you, and if she doesn't get the answer she wants, she'll try the other parent. But, this time, you will both have the same answer. You got her! She now knows that Mom and Dad are a united front, and there will be no more playing one against the other.
Now, I do realize that issues will come up that you and your spouse may not have discussed yet. For example, your twelve year old asks you if you can drop her off to see a movie with her friends. You aren't sure what to do. You think it might be okay, but you are not sure if your spouse would agree. You can either make a choice and stick to it. Or, you can wait until Dad comes home and discuss it, then, let your child know if permission will be granted. The better option is to wait until Dad comes home and make the decision together. But, if Dad is away, say on a business trip, and you cannot wait until he gets home. Well, then, Mom, you make the decision and stick with it. You can fill Dad in when he gets home and let him know that you need his support on this. If you work together, your kids will notice. And, whether you know it or not, they will be all the better off for it.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Making Kids Accountable
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 6/12/2010:
Making Kids Accountable
By, Michelle Harmon
Imagine this typical scenario in a house with kids: Johnny has a baseball game in an hour, and you are just about to head out the door when you walk past Johnny's room and note the disaster. You know that you told him two hours ago to pick up his room, and, yet, there it is, still a mess. So, what do you do? You have basically two choices. You can ignore it, go to the game and tell him to pick it up after you get home, or you can tell him that you all cannot go to the game until the room is picked up. The first option is much easier. He can just pick it up after the game. So, what's wrong with that? As long as it gets cleaned, does it really matter when? Yes, it does, Mom. You told him to pick it up two hours ago, so two hours ago it should have been done. If you let it slide, you are basically communicating to Johnny that he doesn't have to do what you say, and that he still gets to do what he wants to do. You teach him nothing with choice #1.
But, you are thinking, choice number #2 isn't very appealing, either. Oh yes, it is much harder; it will take an iron will on your part. You don't want your little guy to miss his game or to be late for it. He'll let the team down. And, what will the other parents, not to mention the coach, think of you? It's hard, but you have to let all that go. If Johnny is late or misses the game, you have to let Johnny deal with the ramifications. It won't be easy, but this is the only way to teach accountability. Next time, Johnny will think twice before he ignores an order from you.
As I am writing this, my five year old is tearing up her room looking for a lost DVD. Not just any DVD, mind you. It is a DVD that I allowed her to check out from the library. About an hour ago, we were all set to go to the library, return our borrowed DVDs and books and check out new ones. This is one of our favorite things to do; all my kids love going to the library. However, as I looked into the bag full of our items to return, I just had a Mom feeling, if you will. I told my nine year old to check the DVD cases and ensure that each DVD was in its proper case. And, guess what? One of them was missing. Three Stooges, to be exact. So, I told my little stooge who borrowed said DVD to look for it. I explained that we will not be going to the library until the DVD is found. It's been an hour, and she is still looking, and the car is still parked. No, it's not easy to see the disappointment on the kids' faces, but I know that if I let it slide, my five year old will have learned nothing about taking care of library property, nor will she learn that she is accountable for her actions. So, sixty-four minutes and counting, we wait.
Making Kids Accountable
By, Michelle Harmon
Imagine this typical scenario in a house with kids: Johnny has a baseball game in an hour, and you are just about to head out the door when you walk past Johnny's room and note the disaster. You know that you told him two hours ago to pick up his room, and, yet, there it is, still a mess. So, what do you do? You have basically two choices. You can ignore it, go to the game and tell him to pick it up after you get home, or you can tell him that you all cannot go to the game until the room is picked up. The first option is much easier. He can just pick it up after the game. So, what's wrong with that? As long as it gets cleaned, does it really matter when? Yes, it does, Mom. You told him to pick it up two hours ago, so two hours ago it should have been done. If you let it slide, you are basically communicating to Johnny that he doesn't have to do what you say, and that he still gets to do what he wants to do. You teach him nothing with choice #1.
But, you are thinking, choice number #2 isn't very appealing, either. Oh yes, it is much harder; it will take an iron will on your part. You don't want your little guy to miss his game or to be late for it. He'll let the team down. And, what will the other parents, not to mention the coach, think of you? It's hard, but you have to let all that go. If Johnny is late or misses the game, you have to let Johnny deal with the ramifications. It won't be easy, but this is the only way to teach accountability. Next time, Johnny will think twice before he ignores an order from you.
As I am writing this, my five year old is tearing up her room looking for a lost DVD. Not just any DVD, mind you. It is a DVD that I allowed her to check out from the library. About an hour ago, we were all set to go to the library, return our borrowed DVDs and books and check out new ones. This is one of our favorite things to do; all my kids love going to the library. However, as I looked into the bag full of our items to return, I just had a Mom feeling, if you will. I told my nine year old to check the DVD cases and ensure that each DVD was in its proper case. And, guess what? One of them was missing. Three Stooges, to be exact. So, I told my little stooge who borrowed said DVD to look for it. I explained that we will not be going to the library until the DVD is found. It's been an hour, and she is still looking, and the car is still parked. No, it's not easy to see the disappointment on the kids' faces, but I know that if I let it slide, my five year old will have learned nothing about taking care of library property, nor will she learn that she is accountable for her actions. So, sixty-four minutes and counting, we wait.
In This Family We Support Each Other
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 5/22/2010:
In This Family We Support Each Other
By, Michelle Harmon
A typical weeknight or Saturday night in my house during this time of year consists of traveling from one softball game to the next, with all four kids in tow. Yes, it's a busy life, but it can be a very rewarding one. Especially, if the kids are cheering each other on and not just worrying about themselves. Supporting one another and thinking more about family and less about self is the lesson I am trying to teach my kids through sports.
My mantra is: “In this family we support each other.” I say it often. In fact, my oldest jokes about it, “Mom, you say that about five times a day!” I answer, “Maybe so. That's because I want you to remember it.” It all started during one of my middle daughter's games. My oldest did not feel like sitting and watching her sister play. She would rather hang out with friends that were also in attendance (with little sisters playing in the game). My youngest thought it would be much more fun to play on the playground than sit and watch her big sister play. I turned to the two of them and asked them, “Why are we here?” They, of course, answered, “for Isabelle's game.” “That's right,” I said. “And, in this family we support each other, so you are going to sit here and support your sister. And, when, you have a game, Isabelle will do the same for you.” They looked at me dumbfounded for a minute and even pouted a little. But, after awhile, they put their energies into cheering their sister on. And, it was a proud moment for Mom. Now, whenever we go to games, no one asks to go play. We all support each other.
The point that I'm driving at with my kids is that by supporting each other at softball games, they will begin to notice how good it feels to support someone else and how good it feels to have your siblings supporting you. I hope this is something that they will carry on throughout life, not just within our family, but at school and, eventually, at work and in their own families. Every parent wants her child to grow up to be a thoughtful and caring adult. Something as simple as learning to cheer on your sister at a softball game can help foster a desire to be kind and supportive of others and not thinking just of oneself.
In This Family We Support Each Other
By, Michelle Harmon
A typical weeknight or Saturday night in my house during this time of year consists of traveling from one softball game to the next, with all four kids in tow. Yes, it's a busy life, but it can be a very rewarding one. Especially, if the kids are cheering each other on and not just worrying about themselves. Supporting one another and thinking more about family and less about self is the lesson I am trying to teach my kids through sports.
My mantra is: “In this family we support each other.” I say it often. In fact, my oldest jokes about it, “Mom, you say that about five times a day!” I answer, “Maybe so. That's because I want you to remember it.” It all started during one of my middle daughter's games. My oldest did not feel like sitting and watching her sister play. She would rather hang out with friends that were also in attendance (with little sisters playing in the game). My youngest thought it would be much more fun to play on the playground than sit and watch her big sister play. I turned to the two of them and asked them, “Why are we here?” They, of course, answered, “for Isabelle's game.” “That's right,” I said. “And, in this family we support each other, so you are going to sit here and support your sister. And, when, you have a game, Isabelle will do the same for you.” They looked at me dumbfounded for a minute and even pouted a little. But, after awhile, they put their energies into cheering their sister on. And, it was a proud moment for Mom. Now, whenever we go to games, no one asks to go play. We all support each other.
The point that I'm driving at with my kids is that by supporting each other at softball games, they will begin to notice how good it feels to support someone else and how good it feels to have your siblings supporting you. I hope this is something that they will carry on throughout life, not just within our family, but at school and, eventually, at work and in their own families. Every parent wants her child to grow up to be a thoughtful and caring adult. Something as simple as learning to cheer on your sister at a softball game can help foster a desire to be kind and supportive of others and not thinking just of oneself.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I Choose Not to Get Involved: A New Kid, Day ?
Okay, so, somewhere between softball games and the terrible twos, I lost track of the days of my little Leman experiment. Oh, well, I say. The important thing is, I am still sticking to it.
Per Leman's advice, I have chosen to no longer get involved in sibling rivalry. That is, when my girls argue (fight) with each other, call names, or, in general, get on each other's nerves, I stay out of it. Getting in the middle only makes matters worse, and someone always ends up getting mad at me! So, I simply do not get involved. When one of my girls comes to me whining that her sister took her shirt or borrowed her nail polish or won't pick up her side of the room or whatever sort of drama is going on, I simply tell the child, "I'm not getting involved. You two work it out." And, you know what? This strategy workds! Yes, they still argue, but they do figure out a way to work whatever it is out, and I don't have to be the bad guy! I've been doing this for several days now, and (pinch me!), the girls have been arguing A LOT less!
Along these same lines, when I hear the girls being rude to each other or calling names, I don't intervene. Like a spider, I just wait patiently in my web for the correct moment to strike. At some point the child will want something from me or will want to do something, and that is the moment I get them! Muhhaha! For example, yesterday Isabelle and Peyton (my second and third daughters) were cleaning their room and were particularly catty to each other. I listened but said nothing. After the room was clean, they emerged and asked to watch TV. I replied, "I'm sorry, girls, but you cannot watch TV because I didn't like the way you were treating each other while you were cleaning your room. You were very mean to each other, and that is not acceptable in this family." You should have seen their mouths drop! But, what came out of those mouths? Nothing! Not a whine, not a protest. They accepted what I had said without argument. Cue the Hallelujah chorus, please!
Per Leman's advice, I have chosen to no longer get involved in sibling rivalry. That is, when my girls argue (fight) with each other, call names, or, in general, get on each other's nerves, I stay out of it. Getting in the middle only makes matters worse, and someone always ends up getting mad at me! So, I simply do not get involved. When one of my girls comes to me whining that her sister took her shirt or borrowed her nail polish or won't pick up her side of the room or whatever sort of drama is going on, I simply tell the child, "I'm not getting involved. You two work it out." And, you know what? This strategy workds! Yes, they still argue, but they do figure out a way to work whatever it is out, and I don't have to be the bad guy! I've been doing this for several days now, and (pinch me!), the girls have been arguing A LOT less!
Along these same lines, when I hear the girls being rude to each other or calling names, I don't intervene. Like a spider, I just wait patiently in my web for the correct moment to strike. At some point the child will want something from me or will want to do something, and that is the moment I get them! Muhhaha! For example, yesterday Isabelle and Peyton (my second and third daughters) were cleaning their room and were particularly catty to each other. I listened but said nothing. After the room was clean, they emerged and asked to watch TV. I replied, "I'm sorry, girls, but you cannot watch TV because I didn't like the way you were treating each other while you were cleaning your room. You were very mean to each other, and that is not acceptable in this family." You should have seen their mouths drop! But, what came out of those mouths? Nothing! Not a whine, not a protest. They accepted what I had said without argument. Cue the Hallelujah chorus, please!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
One Day at a Time (New Kid, Day 7)
Since finishing the "new kid" section of Dr. Leman's book, I have been diligently putting the principles into practice and with much success. However, it has not been easy. My biggest issue, I think, is my affinity for threats and warnings. That is, I often find myself saying to one of my kids, "if you don't do this...." or "if you do that one more time..." I had a moment like that yesterday with my middle daughter, and as the warning was coming out of my mouth, I knew I shouldn't be saying it. According, to Leman, you should never threaten or give your child any warnings. But, I just could not stop myself. It was like verbal diarrhea, I just couldn't control it! Other than that, the past few days have gone really well. Though, I must admit that we've been so busy shuffling around from one softball game to the next, that it's hard to really say.
Tonight, I had another incident, again with my middle daughter (I'm sensing a pattern here); I told the girls to brush their teeth and get ready for bed. My middle child proceeded to completely ignore me and putz around the house. I could feel myself growing angry and, again, I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't (or didn't). I yelled at her. She, then, gave me a look and stomped off to her room. I knew I shouldn't, but I followed her in there and started to lecture her. In the midst of my lecture, I realized how utterly stupid I was being. She wasn't listening to a damn thing I was saying, and I knew it. I slunk out of the room feeling like I was right back at square one.
I sat and thought for a few minutes and decided that maybe I could salvage things a bit. Maybe the situation wasn't totally beyond repair. So, I went back into my daughter's room and apologized for yelling at her. I explained to her how she made me feel when she didn't listen to me. And, ya know what? I think she finally was really listening to me. I kissed her goodnight. And, she said, "I love you, Mom."
This made me feel good. I am human, and I will mess up. But, I have a newfound confidence now in knowing that if I fail to follow through with Leman's teachings sometimes, it doesn't mean that I am a failure as a Mom. And, my kids don't love me any less for it. And, like they say in rehab (not that I've ever been): "One day at a time."
Tonight, I had another incident, again with my middle daughter (I'm sensing a pattern here); I told the girls to brush their teeth and get ready for bed. My middle child proceeded to completely ignore me and putz around the house. I could feel myself growing angry and, again, I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't (or didn't). I yelled at her. She, then, gave me a look and stomped off to her room. I knew I shouldn't, but I followed her in there and started to lecture her. In the midst of my lecture, I realized how utterly stupid I was being. She wasn't listening to a damn thing I was saying, and I knew it. I slunk out of the room feeling like I was right back at square one.
I sat and thought for a few minutes and decided that maybe I could salvage things a bit. Maybe the situation wasn't totally beyond repair. So, I went back into my daughter's room and apologized for yelling at her. I explained to her how she made me feel when she didn't listen to me. And, ya know what? I think she finally was really listening to me. I kissed her goodnight. And, she said, "I love you, Mom."
This made me feel good. I am human, and I will mess up. But, I have a newfound confidence now in knowing that if I fail to follow through with Leman's teachings sometimes, it doesn't mean that I am a failure as a Mom. And, my kids don't love me any less for it. And, like they say in rehab (not that I've ever been): "One day at a time."
Sunday, May 2, 2010
A New Kid, Day 5
Well, today is supposed to be the last day, Fun Day, as Dr. Leman calls it. But, I gotta tell ya, today feels more like the first day than the last day. This past week, I've been reading (and rereading) the book and trying my best to follow the techniques as prescribed. And, yes, I've had much success. But, no, I don't feel like I have "new kids," and, ya know what? That's okay. I feel like I have learned a lot and now have the tools I need to become a more effective parent and to begin enjoying family life a lot more. So, to the esteemed Dr. Leman I'd like to say, thank you for this book and for the wonderful ideas withing, but do not pretend that you can generate a new brand of child in five measly days. However, what you can do, and what you did for me, was give me the confidence and the guidance to make positive changes in my kids, and more importantly, in myself.
For Friday, Leman just asks parents to review the principles and think of the changes that you want to make. Done, and done. Now, he says, "get ready, get set, go!" See, I think, even he knows that the last day isn't really the last day--it's the first day!
At the end of the book, Dr. Leman lists several different issues that parents face from allowance to sibling rivalry and gives his advice on how to handle such situations. I will be looking at each of these (or at least the ones that apply to me), and I will try them out and let you know how it goes. So, let's begin...
For Friday, Leman just asks parents to review the principles and think of the changes that you want to make. Done, and done. Now, he says, "get ready, get set, go!" See, I think, even he knows that the last day isn't really the last day--it's the first day!
At the end of the book, Dr. Leman lists several different issues that parents face from allowance to sibling rivalry and gives his advice on how to handle such situations. I will be looking at each of these (or at least the ones that apply to me), and I will try them out and let you know how it goes. So, let's begin...
Saturday, May 1, 2010
A New Kid, Day 4
For Thursday (Saturday), Leman's asks parents to consider how they can show their child unconditional acceptance and how parents can emphasize belonging in the family.
---I have to say that in this area, I don't think I am in need of much improvement. I know that sounds a bit conceited, but I do think it's true. Leman says that kids need to feel like they belong as part of the family and suggests that parents can instill this sense of belonging by listening to their kids opinions and by giving the some input in decision-making. I do these things already and then some. My girls are kids of divorce and, as such, have gone through a lot of changes in their short little lives. Further, they now have a new stepdad, and, thus, we have become a new family. Because of this fact, I am always aware of their need to belong and to feel accepted. I know that they need to feel like they belong in this new family, and, further, I have tried to make them feel like that have had an important part in creating it. We have family game nights, movie nights, and outings, and the girls are able to make some decisions in respect to what we play on family games nights or what movie we watch, or, even how we spend our Saturday together.
Lehman asks parents, "In what ways can you spur your child on to Competence?"
---Again, I think I am doing this pretty well in my family. The girls have chores and this sense of responsibility will lead to Competence. Further, I make sure to notice when the girls do something around the house or otherwise without being asked.
Finally, Leman asks parents to think about the difference between praise and encouragement and asks parents to think about an encouraging thing to say to her child today.
---Basically, praise compliments the person while encouragement compliments the act. Today, Isabelle played catcher at her softball game. Her throws were spot-on and, overall, she did a great job. After the game, I told her that I thought she did a great job, and I pointed out to her that all that practice with her team and with me and Zoe in the backyard really paid off. I think now she realizes what becomes of hard work and will continue to work hard, and more importantly, will want to.
Day Four Outcome:
Today was a huge success! We spent almost the whole day at the fields. Each of the girls had a game today, one right after the other. This gave us the opportunity to support the daughter/sister playing in the game together as a family. In the midst of Izzy's game, Peyton wanted to go play on the playground, but I reminded her that we are a family and that we support each other. Zoe and Isabelle did a great job of supporting each other today. They cheered for each other and Zoe gave Isabelle some pointers and a whole lot of encouragement. I was a very proud Mama today!
---I have to say that in this area, I don't think I am in need of much improvement. I know that sounds a bit conceited, but I do think it's true. Leman says that kids need to feel like they belong as part of the family and suggests that parents can instill this sense of belonging by listening to their kids opinions and by giving the some input in decision-making. I do these things already and then some. My girls are kids of divorce and, as such, have gone through a lot of changes in their short little lives. Further, they now have a new stepdad, and, thus, we have become a new family. Because of this fact, I am always aware of their need to belong and to feel accepted. I know that they need to feel like they belong in this new family, and, further, I have tried to make them feel like that have had an important part in creating it. We have family game nights, movie nights, and outings, and the girls are able to make some decisions in respect to what we play on family games nights or what movie we watch, or, even how we spend our Saturday together.
Lehman asks parents, "In what ways can you spur your child on to Competence?"
---Again, I think I am doing this pretty well in my family. The girls have chores and this sense of responsibility will lead to Competence. Further, I make sure to notice when the girls do something around the house or otherwise without being asked.
Finally, Leman asks parents to think about the difference between praise and encouragement and asks parents to think about an encouraging thing to say to her child today.
---Basically, praise compliments the person while encouragement compliments the act. Today, Isabelle played catcher at her softball game. Her throws were spot-on and, overall, she did a great job. After the game, I told her that I thought she did a great job, and I pointed out to her that all that practice with her team and with me and Zoe in the backyard really paid off. I think now she realizes what becomes of hard work and will continue to work hard, and more importantly, will want to.
Day Four Outcome:
Today was a huge success! We spent almost the whole day at the fields. Each of the girls had a game today, one right after the other. This gave us the opportunity to support the daughter/sister playing in the game together as a family. In the midst of Izzy's game, Peyton wanted to go play on the playground, but I reminded her that we are a family and that we support each other. Zoe and Isabelle did a great job of supporting each other today. They cheered for each other and Zoe gave Isabelle some pointers and a whole lot of encouragement. I was a very proud Mama today!
Friday, April 30, 2010
A New Kid, Day 3
For Wednesday, or in my case, Friday, Dr. Lehman asks, "What kind of parenting style do you have? How does your child respond to this parenting style?" The two parenting styles outlined in the book are permissive and authoritarian. Looking at the two styles, I cannot say that I am one or the other. I can see myself in both examples. This can't be good! I must really be sending mixed messages to my kids! Ugh! I know that I need to let my five year old do more things on her own, like pick out her own clothes for school, pour her own juice, and so forth. I also need to be more consistent. And, say what I mean and mean what I say.
As for how my children respond to this style, sometimes they respond well, sometimes they don't. That's the major problem here, I haven't found a style that seems to work all the time, or, at least, most of the time.
Lehman also asks, "How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?" I can respect my children enough to allow them some freedoms and choices. Further, I can stop the yelling, while still sticking to my guns. I need to make sure the punishment fits the crime, so to speak, and that it is swift and consistent each time.
Finally, Lehman asks, "In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?" The first thing would be to set aside some more family time that doesn't involve running from one sports practice/game to the next. Another way to emphasize relationship is to model respect and love by the way my husband and I treat it each other and those around us. Also, I need to be sure to talk to my kids, not just ask them questions.
Day Three Outcome:
Today went pretty well. Zoe came home from school in a grumpy attitude, but I didn't let it fly. I told her once not to be unkind to her sister, I walked away and expected her to listen. She did. The girls brought home report cards and I made sure to encourage their efforts and not just praise them for getting good grades. I made sure to point out how their hard work had paid off. I feel pretty good about today.
As for how my children respond to this style, sometimes they respond well, sometimes they don't. That's the major problem here, I haven't found a style that seems to work all the time, or, at least, most of the time.
Lehman also asks, "How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?" I can respect my children enough to allow them some freedoms and choices. Further, I can stop the yelling, while still sticking to my guns. I need to make sure the punishment fits the crime, so to speak, and that it is swift and consistent each time.
Finally, Lehman asks, "In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?" The first thing would be to set aside some more family time that doesn't involve running from one sports practice/game to the next. Another way to emphasize relationship is to model respect and love by the way my husband and I treat it each other and those around us. Also, I need to be sure to talk to my kids, not just ask them questions.
Day Three Outcome:
Today went pretty well. Zoe came home from school in a grumpy attitude, but I didn't let it fly. I told her once not to be unkind to her sister, I walked away and expected her to listen. She did. The girls brought home report cards and I made sure to encourage their efforts and not just praise them for getting good grades. I made sure to point out how their hard work had paid off. I feel pretty good about today.
Being a Good Sport
Being a Good Sport
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/24/2010
Softball season has started, and my weekdays and weekends are filled with practices and games. I have three girls and each of them is in a different level of softball from t-ball to junior softball. The schedule is crazy, but the girls have so much fun and are learning a lot about the game and teamwork that it is worth it to me. The only thing that I wonder is the motivations of some of the parents. That is, why do we sign our kids up for sports? Because we want them to play or because they want to?
No matter what your child's sport is: baseball, softball, football, soccer and so on, be sure that he is playing for the right reason. I have seen many a little girl throughout my years as a softball mom who had no business being on the field. The reason being that she didn't want to be. Her parents for whatever reason signed her up, and she had no interest in the game or desire to play. I have watched as the parents of such girls push their little champ until she gets upset. Then, the parent gets upset, and nobody wins. Not the parents, not the child, and certainly not the team. So, if your child does not want to play, don't force her. There is no lesson to be learned there. Find something else that peaks her interest.
When supporting your child's sports activities, remember that the main objective is for your child to have fun, and hopefully learn the values of teamwork and competition. Not everyone can be a superstar, and you mustn't put too much pressure on your child. Putting undue pressure on them sucks all the fun out of it. Not only that, it makes the child nervous and may negatively affect his self-esteem if he feels like he cannot live up to your high expectations.
If your child strikes out or the team loses, so what! As long as he had fun playing, your job is done. Be a good sport; this is a valuable lesson to pass on to your child.
Finally, do not be one of those parents who feels that her kid is the best and should start every game and who gets upset when the coach puts her on the bench or out in the outfield.
The coach's job is to teach the fundamentals of the game and to give every kid a chance. If your child really is that good, when he gets older, he will spend little time on the bench and will have the chance to showcase his talents—like when he's in high school, not Little League.
To recap, sports are fun and putting your child in a sport can be very rewarding for you and for your child. Just remember that you need to sign her up for the right sport, the one she is interested in. She should play for herself, not for you. Likewise, keep the pressure off. Let her have fun, learn the game and watch her blossom!
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/24/2010
Softball season has started, and my weekdays and weekends are filled with practices and games. I have three girls and each of them is in a different level of softball from t-ball to junior softball. The schedule is crazy, but the girls have so much fun and are learning a lot about the game and teamwork that it is worth it to me. The only thing that I wonder is the motivations of some of the parents. That is, why do we sign our kids up for sports? Because we want them to play or because they want to?
No matter what your child's sport is: baseball, softball, football, soccer and so on, be sure that he is playing for the right reason. I have seen many a little girl throughout my years as a softball mom who had no business being on the field. The reason being that she didn't want to be. Her parents for whatever reason signed her up, and she had no interest in the game or desire to play. I have watched as the parents of such girls push their little champ until she gets upset. Then, the parent gets upset, and nobody wins. Not the parents, not the child, and certainly not the team. So, if your child does not want to play, don't force her. There is no lesson to be learned there. Find something else that peaks her interest.
When supporting your child's sports activities, remember that the main objective is for your child to have fun, and hopefully learn the values of teamwork and competition. Not everyone can be a superstar, and you mustn't put too much pressure on your child. Putting undue pressure on them sucks all the fun out of it. Not only that, it makes the child nervous and may negatively affect his self-esteem if he feels like he cannot live up to your high expectations.
If your child strikes out or the team loses, so what! As long as he had fun playing, your job is done. Be a good sport; this is a valuable lesson to pass on to your child.
Finally, do not be one of those parents who feels that her kid is the best and should start every game and who gets upset when the coach puts her on the bench or out in the outfield.
The coach's job is to teach the fundamentals of the game and to give every kid a chance. If your child really is that good, when he gets older, he will spend little time on the bench and will have the chance to showcase his talents—like when he's in high school, not Little League.
To recap, sports are fun and putting your child in a sport can be very rewarding for you and for your child. Just remember that you need to sign her up for the right sport, the one she is interested in. She should play for herself, not for you. Likewise, keep the pressure off. Let her have fun, learn the game and watch her blossom!
Beyond Stranger Danger
Beyond Stranger Danger
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/17/2010
Upon discovering that my eleven year old daughter was getting up in the wee hours of the morning and logging on to Facebook, my husband and I decided to deactivate her account and change the e-mail address the account was linked to so she could not get back in. We had already deactivated it before this, but she figured out a way to get her account reactivated by having a new password sent to her e-mail address. We figured this out, finally, and, hopefully, have put a stop to early morning Facebook use. During this ordeal, we also discovered that she was friends with an astonishing number of older teenage kids and had several pending friend requests for individuals that she did not even know. Further, there were several inappropriate posts on her page made by her so-called friends. My daughter failed to see that having friends on Facebook that you don't know in real life is dangerous. We had tried to explain this to her before we allowed her to open a Facebook account, but, apparently, she hadn't gotten the message. There was a clear disconnect here.
I have two younger daughters and, although they are much to young to have a Facebook account, we felt that the message we wanted to convey to our oldest daughter was applicable to our younger two daughters, as well. We explained that there are bad people who lurk on Facebook and other social networking sites and pose as young kids to try and find young kids and possibly do harm to them. We explained that it is very easy to pretend that you are a fifteen year old girl when really you are an adult man. We further explained that posting pictures of yourself and describing things in your life, like playing in a softball game or going to a specific school, makes it all the more easy for a bad person to find you if he wants to. I think my oldest finally got it. She is no longer allowed to have a Facebook account at all until she's older; we are not taking any chances.
As my younger two daughters sat and listened to this, I could see that they were a little concerned but mostly confused since they have little experience with the Internet, let alone Facebook. We conveyed to them that a child always needs to be aware of her surroundings and must never go anywhere or even talk to a stranger for any reason. We discussed a few scenarios and asks the girls to tell us what they would do in certain situations. To my great relief, they seemed to know. We made a point to tell them that they should never accept a ride or go anywhere even with an adult that they know like a teacher or a coach, unless Mommy or Daddy say it's okay. Unfortunately, you never know.
A little while after the discussion, my five year old came up to me crying a little and told me that she was scared about what we were talking about. I felt a little bad, but I would rather her be a little scared than gone. I assuaged her fears by explaining that I was almost always with her, so she was safe. And the times when I wasn't, like at school, as long as she remembered what we had told her she was safe. She stopped crying, smiled, said “okay” and went off to play. It makes me a little sad that a five year old has to live life with a little fear, but we cannot deny the world we live in.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/17/2010
Upon discovering that my eleven year old daughter was getting up in the wee hours of the morning and logging on to Facebook, my husband and I decided to deactivate her account and change the e-mail address the account was linked to so she could not get back in. We had already deactivated it before this, but she figured out a way to get her account reactivated by having a new password sent to her e-mail address. We figured this out, finally, and, hopefully, have put a stop to early morning Facebook use. During this ordeal, we also discovered that she was friends with an astonishing number of older teenage kids and had several pending friend requests for individuals that she did not even know. Further, there were several inappropriate posts on her page made by her so-called friends. My daughter failed to see that having friends on Facebook that you don't know in real life is dangerous. We had tried to explain this to her before we allowed her to open a Facebook account, but, apparently, she hadn't gotten the message. There was a clear disconnect here.
I have two younger daughters and, although they are much to young to have a Facebook account, we felt that the message we wanted to convey to our oldest daughter was applicable to our younger two daughters, as well. We explained that there are bad people who lurk on Facebook and other social networking sites and pose as young kids to try and find young kids and possibly do harm to them. We explained that it is very easy to pretend that you are a fifteen year old girl when really you are an adult man. We further explained that posting pictures of yourself and describing things in your life, like playing in a softball game or going to a specific school, makes it all the more easy for a bad person to find you if he wants to. I think my oldest finally got it. She is no longer allowed to have a Facebook account at all until she's older; we are not taking any chances.
As my younger two daughters sat and listened to this, I could see that they were a little concerned but mostly confused since they have little experience with the Internet, let alone Facebook. We conveyed to them that a child always needs to be aware of her surroundings and must never go anywhere or even talk to a stranger for any reason. We discussed a few scenarios and asks the girls to tell us what they would do in certain situations. To my great relief, they seemed to know. We made a point to tell them that they should never accept a ride or go anywhere even with an adult that they know like a teacher or a coach, unless Mommy or Daddy say it's okay. Unfortunately, you never know.
A little while after the discussion, my five year old came up to me crying a little and told me that she was scared about what we were talking about. I felt a little bad, but I would rather her be a little scared than gone. I assuaged her fears by explaining that I was almost always with her, so she was safe. And the times when I wasn't, like at school, as long as she remembered what we had told her she was safe. She stopped crying, smiled, said “okay” and went off to play. It makes me a little sad that a five year old has to live life with a little fear, but we cannot deny the world we live in.
Big Kid Bed
Time for a Big Kid Bed?
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/10/10
Now that your baby is a toddler, is it time for a big kid bed? A big kid bed can be a toddler bed, a twin mattress on the floor or even a twin/full size bed with a rail. But, how do you know when your toddler is ready to leave her crib? There are a few signs to look for that may indicate that your toddler is ready to ditch the crib.
First, the most obvious sign is climbing. If your toddler can or has tried to climb out of his crib, it is time to move him to a big kid bed. Climbing the rails or climbing out of the crib and falling can lead to serious injury. So, if your little one has turned monkey, get her out of the crib!
If your child is potty trained or potty training, it's time to leave the crib. Simply, for the reason that if she has to go potty during nap or bed time, she must be able to get out and get to the potty quickly!
Most parents transition their toddlers to big kid beds between the ages of 11/2 and 3 years old. It really depends on you and your child. Some toddlers are ready at 18 mos., and some kids are happy to stay in their cribs until their potty trained. If you think your child is ready for the transition, there are a few things to consider to help ease him into the big boy bed.
First, if you can take him with your to either pick out the bed or pick out the bedding to put on it. If you aren't buying anything new, let him be there when you put it up, and act super excited about it. Place the new bed, if you can, in the same spot that the crib previously occupied. These steps should help him feel safe and secure and happy about his new bed.
Secondly, be sure that you have a guard rail if you are using a bed that is off the ground. Toddlers can be very active in their sleep and you don't want them to fall out and get hurt! Also, in the vein of safety, install a baby gate at the door to your child's room. Since he can get in and out of bed on his own now, you don't want him to wander out of his room and possibly get hurt in the middle of the night. For the same reason, make sure his room is completely baby-proofed, so if he gets out and plays, he won't get hurt.
Last thought, moving to a big kid bed is a big deal for your toddler..and for you. Make sure you are both ready. Don't worry yourself sick over it or try to push your toddler into a big boy bed if he is not ready to go. Patience, Mom.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/10/10
Now that your baby is a toddler, is it time for a big kid bed? A big kid bed can be a toddler bed, a twin mattress on the floor or even a twin/full size bed with a rail. But, how do you know when your toddler is ready to leave her crib? There are a few signs to look for that may indicate that your toddler is ready to ditch the crib.
First, the most obvious sign is climbing. If your toddler can or has tried to climb out of his crib, it is time to move him to a big kid bed. Climbing the rails or climbing out of the crib and falling can lead to serious injury. So, if your little one has turned monkey, get her out of the crib!
If your child is potty trained or potty training, it's time to leave the crib. Simply, for the reason that if she has to go potty during nap or bed time, she must be able to get out and get to the potty quickly!
Most parents transition their toddlers to big kid beds between the ages of 11/2 and 3 years old. It really depends on you and your child. Some toddlers are ready at 18 mos., and some kids are happy to stay in their cribs until their potty trained. If you think your child is ready for the transition, there are a few things to consider to help ease him into the big boy bed.
First, if you can take him with your to either pick out the bed or pick out the bedding to put on it. If you aren't buying anything new, let him be there when you put it up, and act super excited about it. Place the new bed, if you can, in the same spot that the crib previously occupied. These steps should help him feel safe and secure and happy about his new bed.
Secondly, be sure that you have a guard rail if you are using a bed that is off the ground. Toddlers can be very active in their sleep and you don't want them to fall out and get hurt! Also, in the vein of safety, install a baby gate at the door to your child's room. Since he can get in and out of bed on his own now, you don't want him to wander out of his room and possibly get hurt in the middle of the night. For the same reason, make sure his room is completely baby-proofed, so if he gets out and plays, he won't get hurt.
Last thought, moving to a big kid bed is a big deal for your toddler..and for you. Make sure you are both ready. Don't worry yourself sick over it or try to push your toddler into a big boy bed if he is not ready to go. Patience, Mom.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
A New Kid, Day Two
Well, this morning, I made the mistake of telling my child do brush her hair more than once. I ignored Leman's, principle of "say it once, turn your back and walk away." I knew better; I just couldn't let it go. I didn't want my daughter to go to school looking like she just rolled out of bed. So, I reminded her to brush her hair more than once, and I was treated to exaggerated sighs, grumbles, and an eye roll. Dammit! I know better! Say it once, turn your back and walk away! I will do better next time...
For Tuesday, or in my case, Thursday, Dr. Lehman asks, "What is your attitude towards your kids? How does your behavior reveal your attitude?" My attitude towards my kids is generally one of acceptance; however, I tend to get impatient with them and react rather than respond to some of their transgressions. I raise my voice too much and this behavior conveys a negative attitude, which, in turn, helps to foster a negative attitude in my children.
Dr. Lehman asks, "What changes do you need to make in your behavior toward your children?" First, I need to respond rather than react. If Peyton yells at Tommy, I need to respond by calming telling her not to yell and, then, calming disciplining her if she fails to listen. What I do not need to do is react to her yelling by yelling! Duh! Furthermore, I need to stick to my guns. That is, as Dr. Lehman puts it, "B cannot happen until A is completed." For example, if I ask Isabelle to put away her clothes, and she fails to do so, I do not take her to softball practice until it's done, even if we end up being late...A must be completed, before B happens. This is a hard one to stick to, but I think it is one of the most important principles Dr. Leman teaches in the book.
Finally, Dr. Lehman asks, "What kind of character do you want to be known for? How can you get there?" I obviously want to be known as a person of good character. That is, someone who is dependable, honest, courageous, and kind. So, I must be all of these things, not just for myself but for my children. Afterall, character is most important for parents; the ultimate goal of any parent is to raise thoughtful, hardworking, honest children who will become thoughtful, hardworking, honest adults.
Day Two Outcome:
I continued to use (mostly), Leman's "say it once, turn your back and walk away" technique today with some success. I did fall back into old habits a few times and "get after" the girls to do something that I had asked. I feel a little bad about that, but, at the same time, I feel good that I now recognize the habit and am working to change. Further, I realized today that, sometimes, due to tiredness and/or frustration that I am sometimes short with the kids and am coming across as such. I can now see this attitude mirrored in the girls. This I must change.
Overall, I consider today a success. I am looking forward to tomorrow, though, I must admit I am looking forward with a little trepidation because this is not easy. But, I know that it's worth it.
For Tuesday, or in my case, Thursday, Dr. Lehman asks, "What is your attitude towards your kids? How does your behavior reveal your attitude?" My attitude towards my kids is generally one of acceptance; however, I tend to get impatient with them and react rather than respond to some of their transgressions. I raise my voice too much and this behavior conveys a negative attitude, which, in turn, helps to foster a negative attitude in my children.
Dr. Lehman asks, "What changes do you need to make in your behavior toward your children?" First, I need to respond rather than react. If Peyton yells at Tommy, I need to respond by calming telling her not to yell and, then, calming disciplining her if she fails to listen. What I do not need to do is react to her yelling by yelling! Duh! Furthermore, I need to stick to my guns. That is, as Dr. Lehman puts it, "B cannot happen until A is completed." For example, if I ask Isabelle to put away her clothes, and she fails to do so, I do not take her to softball practice until it's done, even if we end up being late...A must be completed, before B happens. This is a hard one to stick to, but I think it is one of the most important principles Dr. Leman teaches in the book.
Finally, Dr. Lehman asks, "What kind of character do you want to be known for? How can you get there?" I obviously want to be known as a person of good character. That is, someone who is dependable, honest, courageous, and kind. So, I must be all of these things, not just for myself but for my children. Afterall, character is most important for parents; the ultimate goal of any parent is to raise thoughtful, hardworking, honest children who will become thoughtful, hardworking, honest adults.
Day Two Outcome:
I continued to use (mostly), Leman's "say it once, turn your back and walk away" technique today with some success. I did fall back into old habits a few times and "get after" the girls to do something that I had asked. I feel a little bad about that, but, at the same time, I feel good that I now recognize the habit and am working to change. Further, I realized today that, sometimes, due to tiredness and/or frustration that I am sometimes short with the kids and am coming across as such. I can now see this attitude mirrored in the girls. This I must change.
Overall, I consider today a success. I am looking forward to tomorrow, though, I must admit I am looking forward with a little trepidation because this is not easy. But, I know that it's worth it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
