Let's Talk about Sex, Baby!

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, September 26, 2009:

Having “The Talk” with Your Kids
by, Michelle Harmon

You know you have to do it; you've been dreading this conversation since your child learned to talk. Now, you know it's time, and you can't avoid having “the talk” with your baby—even though he's no longer a baby---anymore. Stop asking yourself where they time went, why, it feels like yesterday you were dropping him off for his first day of kindergarten, and, now, it's time to talk about sex?! Stop it! You can't control time, it keeps going, no matter how tightly you hold on, one day you turn around and your little guy is a little man and his body is changing, and, yes, mom, (deep breath), it's time to talk.
So, how do you go about it? What do you say?
First things first, let your child know that you care and that is why you have to have this talk with him. No, it's not optional, explain to him, it's important. And, trust me, your child knows more than you think, so whatever you tell him is not going to shock him. Use the correct terms for the body parts, explain how sex works, where babies come from, and, most importantly, explain to your child how to protect himself. Don't gloss over this part. Explain the dangers of diseases and go over the different means of protection that are available. This goes for pregnancy prevention as well. Be sure to differentiate between disease protection and pregnancy protection because, as you know, some methods will protect from pregnancy but not disease. Talk about abstinence. Abstinence, is, of course, the only surefire way to protect oneself from sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancies. All moms hope that their children will choose abstinence, but we must be realistic. So, arm your child with all the information he needs to make the best choice for himself.
Next, ask your child if she has any questions for you. She may or she may not. Also, recommend another trusted adult that she may feel comfortable asking instead of you. Recommend an aunt or a grandma or even a teacher; someone who is knowledgeable and who you and your child can trust to give correct information and support to your child. Of course, in a perfect world, your child wouldn't think of asking anyone else but you. However, we are living in reality and the reality is that it is likely that your child may not feel comfortable asking you the tough questions. And, that's okay, Mom, it's better that she gets the information from Auntie instead of her friends, right?
One final tip, you may consider having the talk while in the car with your child, maybe on the way to or back from a game or school. The car is a good place to have these kinds of talks because you don't have to look at each other, which cuts down on the awkward factor. Plus, it's private, there's no chance of a little sister barging in or some other household distraction. Not to mention, there's no escaping!
Next week, let's talk bed wetting. Is it normal? What ages? What can you do about it?

Nap Time

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, Saturday, Sept. 19, 2009:

Nuances of Nap Time
By, Michelle Harmon

Nap time A magical time—a saving grace for many a harried mother. But, like every other aspect of parenthood, nap time is not easy. You can't just arbitrarily lay your baby or toddler down for a nap whenever you feel like. Then, there's the business of when to go from two naps to one and when to stop naps altogether. Not to mention, what to do if you child misses his nap because of a doctor's appointment or other such outing. Nap time has to be carefully planned in order to be successfully orchestrated.
First, remember one very important word: routine. It is imperative that you establish a nap time (and bedtime, for that matter) routine with your child very early, during infancy, if you can. To successfully pull off a nap time schedule, you must schedule everything else. That means that you and your baby get up at the same time every day (yes, even Saturday and Sunday), you serve breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner at set times, and so on. This way you can build a nap into your regular routine. For babies and toddlers, build in two nap times during the day. Younger babies will probably sleep for longer periods, but once your baby reaches 1-1 ½ years old, he will probably only nap for about an hour each time. So, this is the time, when you want to consider going down to one nap—usually, after lunch. Once you have a routine established, your child will feel safe and comfortable and will be more likely to lay down for a nap without much fussing. Likewise, when the bedtime routine is established, your baby will sleep better at night with less fussing and less getting up in the middle of the night, until eventually, she will sleep straight through. Kids who sleep better at night, sleep better during the day at nap time When establishing a routine, keep in mind if your child goes to daycare, make sure you find out what the daycare's nap routine is and make your home schedule the same or very close, so that your child has consistency whether she is at home or at daycare. Bottom line, make establishing a routine a top priority. The pay off is well worth it.
Second, once you've got a nap time established, do your best to schedule doctor visits, playdates, trips to the grocery and such so that nap time is not interrupted. This will save you and your child a lot of frustration because once a child gets off her routine, it can be very difficult to get them back on. Of course, there will be times when you cannot schedule appointments or activities around your baby's nap time If you must interrupt the schedule for a day or two, just go straight back to the routine the following day. It will not be easy and there might be some tears and struggles, but, again, the pay off will be well worth it.
Finally, when do kids stop needing naps? Every child is a different. Some will require naps until age four or even five. Some will function fine without naps by age three. Follow your child's lead on this one. If he fights taking a nap and seems to be fine without one, then he probably doesn't need it. The general rule of thumb is that between 3 ½ –5 years old, children can give up daytime naps.
Next week, we're talking sex. When do you have “the talk” with your child? What do you say?

Bedwetting

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, Saturday, Oct. 3, 2009:

Bedwetting
by, Michelle Harmon

Bedwetting, although, embarassing and frustrating for both the child and the parent, is more common than you think. Lots of kids wet the bed, and they do so for a variety of reasons. If your child is consistently wetting the bed, the best approach is to try to figure out why, then, you can decide which intervention is the right one.
First off, if your child is under 5, bedwetting is completely normal. Children at this age are still growing and their bladder and urinary tracts are still getting the kinks worked out, so to speak. The proper course of action here is encouragement and use pads or Goodnights to keep the bed dry. Also, stop all liquids after dinner. Chances are your child will simply grow out of it. Have patience.
If your child is elementary school age and is wetting the bed, the first thing you want to do is take him to his peditrician and discuss treatment options. He may suggest waking him in the middle of the night to go. He might suggest alarms that are placed on a bed pad that beep when wetness occurs, waking your child up, so he can head to the bathroom. He may also suggest medication. He may also suggest you see a urologist to rule out any infections or other abnormailities. But chances are you kid just wets the bed. Wetting the bed is something that is hereditary, so if someoe in your family was a bedwetter, your child might have inherited it. In this case, it will just stop on its own. Again, patience is essential here.
Also, it is important to note patterns of bedwetting, if any are present. Maybe your child only wets the bed sometimes, not all the time. Note this. Think about what is happening in your child's life at the times she wets. She may be under undue stress at those times, or you may be able to identify another trigger. You can then teach your child some stress-relieveing techniques like exercise, or even yoga to relieve her tense feelings. This may help her to stop wetting the bed.
Similarly, children who wet the bed are more likely to have nightmares or night terrors, which often coincide with bedwetting. No one knows for sure what causes nightmares or night terrors; however, talking to your child's doctor about them can help you figure out what may be causing them and you can help your child accordingly. Counseling is a normal treatment for night terrors. Usually, if the nightmares or night terrors stop, so does the bedwetting.
Bottom line, bedwetting is normal and there is no reason to be ashamed. Most kids simply stop doing it on their own. However, as aforementioned, there are several differents kinds of treatments and interventions available to you. Keep in mind, you'll probably have to try several things before something works, and it is just as likely that nothing will work and you'll just have to wait it out. Your child will eventually stop. Most importantly, never, ever chastise your child for wetting the bed. Nobody wets the bed on purpose. Your child needs your support, not condemnation.
Next week, let's talk about ADD/ADHD. Is it a real disease? What are the signs/treatments?

ADHD

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, Saturday, Oct. 10, 2009:

Lessons in ADD/ADHD
By, Michelle Harmon

The topic of ADD/ADHD is very personal to me. I have been on both sides of the issue. That is, I have been a teacher and have dealt with children diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, both treated and untreated. I am also the parent of a child diagnosed with ADHD. Here is what I have learned.
First, absolutely, yes there is such a disorder as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Both disorders are characterized by an inability to pay attention, fidgeting, not being able to sit still, forgetfulness, impulsivity, and so on. A lot of people, including some of my coworkers in the school setting as well some of my family members, argue that ADD/ADHD is not a real disorder. The reasoning behind this belief is that all kids “act that way”--that's just how kids are. The fact is not all kids have trouble paying attention or constantly fidget and so forth. Yes, all kids act “hyper” some of the time, but most kids can control it or respond when reprimanded. I will agree that ADD/ADHD may be somewhat over diagnosed, but it is, no doubt about it, a real disorder affecting thousands of children.
Second, there is no shame in it. Not for the child or for the parent. Having a child with ADD/ADHD doesn't make you a bad mom, nor is it something that your child is doing to get attention. Unfortunately, there exists a stigma associated with ADD/ADHD as well as other disorders. Ignore it, Mom, and do what is best for your child.
Third, there are many treatments for ADD/ADHD, and it can take some time to find the right treatment for your child. There is, of course, medication and if you choose to go this route, be sure to do your due diligence and research the different medications and their side effects before deciding to administer meds to your child. Therapy is also a common treatment for kids diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. This can work well on its own or in conjunction with medication. There are other treatments available, such as following a certain diet, behavioral therapy, and so forth. Again, do the leg work. Then, make and informed decision.
Finally, if you are unsure what the symptoms are of ADD/ADHD are, check out WebMD.com or another credible medical website or talk to your doctor. If you think that your child may be exhibiting signs of ADD/ADHD, talk to your child's doctor. I would also recommend talking to your child's teacher or day care provider; your child's teacher probably has some valuable insight as to the behavior of your child. Good luck, Mom.
Next week, body image. How can you make sure your daughter has a good one?

Body Image

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, Saturday, Oct. 17, 2009:

Body Image
By, Michelle Harmon

With fashion models seeming to continuely shrink in size, plastic surgery becoming more like an aceessory than a medical procedure, and obesity rates rising among adolescents, it is no wonder why so many girls are struggling with their body image and why so many moms are trying to figue out how to help their daughters gain and maintain positive body images. Body image is tied to self-esteem, confidence and other factors, so there are no fail safe ways to instill positive body images in your daughter. However, there are a few things that you can do to foster positive body image and help your daughter to love herself and her body.
First, be open. Talk to your daughter about images that you see in magazines and on TV. Discuss her perception and yours of these images and explain to your daughter how altered the images she sees are and that the real person in the magazine probably doesn't look exactly like she does on the cover of Teen Vogue or Cosmopolitan. Ask her questions about herself and find out if she is having any issues about her body. If she is, talk to her and let her know that she has value. Share your own experiences. Likewise, talk to your daughter about the importance of keeping her body clean, about proper grooming habits, and, of course, fueling her body with healthy foods. These things will help her build confidence in her body and herself. Not to mention, build a stronger relationship between the two of you because you are taking care of your bodies together.
Second, never, ever degrade your body in front of your daughter. Never, look in the mirror and declare, “I'm fat!” while your daughter is around. If you are dieting, do not make a big deal about it, this will only make your daughter want to diet, too, or, at least, wonder if she should. This sends your daughter the message that something is wrong with your body, so she might begin to think that something is wrong with hers. Again, stress eating healthy, not dieting.
Third, make sure your daughter stays active, either in sports, playing outside, or other fun activities. Go for walks with your daughter, or go bike riding with her in the summer. Play football outside with the whole family or go bowling. Keeping active will help your daughter realize what her body can do and will keep her strong, in body and in confidence. Bottom line, set a good example for your daughter, be open and talk to her, and you will help her on the road to a positive self-image.
Next week, let's talk birthday party etiquette—do you have to RSVP? Should you drop your kid off or stick around for the party? What about younger siblings, can they tag along?

Party Time!

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, Saturday, Oct. 31, 2009:

Party Time!
By, Michelle Harmon

Whether you are throwing your child a birthday party or your child is going to a friend's birthday party, there are certain rules of etiquette that should be followed. Rules of etiquette for a kid's birthday party? Yes! Any time you invite someone into your home or rent a bowling alley or a room at Chuckee Cheese and, especially, whenever you expect someone to buy your kid a gift, you must be mindful of those you invite. Furthermore, you want to put your best foot forward, don't you? Well, of course you do! The same can be said when your child attends someone else's party. You don't want your kid being the kid that all the other parents hope isn't coming, do you? Of course you don't.

Invitations--
A word about invitations--(well, actually, two words) informative and direct. Informative—this one's a no brainer—you must inform the potential party guest of all pertinent information, like time and place and your contact information. Direct—make sure to spell out exactly what your expectations are for this party. For example, if it's a pool party, be sure to instruct the recipient to bring his/her swimsuit. If it's a sleepover, be sure to mention sleeping bags, jammies, and so forth. Along these same lines, it's important to note not just the beginning time of the party, but also the end time. You don't want other people's children hanging around all day, do you? Finally, always be sure to include and RSVP date and contact number. Think of the date you provide as the cut off. If someone has not RSVP'd before that date, assume they are not coming. This will save you a lot of hassle if you are doing goodie bags for the kids or if you are renting a place and you need an exact count. If a kid shows up without having RSVP'd, don't turn him away, but don't feel bad if he doesn't get a goodie bag. The RSVP is there for a reason. So, if you are the party-goer, for goodness sake-RSVP!! It is as simple as a phone call.

At the party--
Have a clear plan in mind of what will happen when. That way, kids aren't just running around or, worse, sitting around with nothing to do. Have age-appropriate activities where kids can win little prizes (kids love prizes—at any age!). Be sure that all of the kids go home with something; you have to be fair. Make sure there are enough adults around to supervise the kids. Don't plan on corralling 15 kids by yourself! If you schedule the party before noon, a lunch will be expected, get pizza or sandwiches or some other cheap, kid-friendly fare. I always schedule my kids' parties for later in the afternoon—the party starts after lunch and ends before dinner. This way, all have to do is provide a few kid-friendly snacks and cake and ice cream, of course. It's always wise to check with parents first about any food allergies, and then, plan a menu accordingly. If your kid is the party-goer, be sure to discuss with her the kind of behavior you expect and that the other parent will expect. Also, ask other mom if she'd like you to stay and help out rather than just dropping your kid off. Think about it—wouldn't you appreciate that gesture if you were throwing the party? And, party-goers, NEVER, EVER assume that it is okay to drop your child's siblings off at a party that he was invited to. This seems ridiculous to even mention, but I have had this happen to me on more than one occasion!

After the party--
When parents arrive to pick up their kids, thank them for sending their child and share what happened at the party (if they're interested). If their child happened to misbehave at the party, tell them.
Tell them exactly what the transgression was and what you did to correct the behavior. Do not be afraid to be honest here; it may save you and the other parent a lot of grief in the future. Any thoughtful parent will appreciate your honesty. Within two weeks or so of the party, send a thank-you note. If your child was the party-goer, of course, thank the party-throwing Mom for inviting your child, feeding and entertaining your child—for all her hard work. Because anyone who has ever planned and hosted a children's birthday party knows, it is not easy!

Lessons from the Playground

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, Saturday, November 7, 2009:

Lessons from the Playground
By, Michelle Harmon

Driving home from preschool this morning, my daughter told me a story about a student in her class who had lost his “red dog necklace” on the playground. I deduced that this was a red dog tag-style necklace. She continued, saying that the boy was crying because he couldn't find it. She said that no matter what the teacher told him, he still felt sad.
Then, my little preschooler said, “Mom, I told him that I was very sorry that he lost his necklace. I think he was happier when I said that.” Then, she suggested that if he didn't find the beloved trinket, that maybe we could make him a new one. “That would be pretty easy, I think. Right, Mom?” “Yes, I guess it would,” I answered my daughter. I looked at her and smiled, amazed at her intuitiveness and her simple grace. It made we wish that adults thought like children a little more often.
Of course most adult problems are more complex than losing one's dog tag's on the playground. But helping to lift one's spirits can be as simple as saying, “I'm sorry that happened to you” or “you did the right thing” or “it wasn't your fault.” Lifting one's spirits can be as easy as a smile or a spontaneous hug or an unexpected card. Yet, too often each of us is so consumed with our own lives that we hardly notice each other or we pretend not to.
The next time you see a coworker, a family member, a friend, or even a stranger in need of a pick-me-up, give it to them. I promise, you'll be more than glad that you did.
Now that you've learned your lesson and are feeling a bit more charitable, let's think about your kids. How do we foster a spirit of kindness, empathy and generosity in our kids? Well, first, we have to live it. Yes, Moms, it's true—education begins at home. If your child sees you reaching out to your fellow human beings, she will be more inclined to do so. If your child sees you holding the door open for little old ladies, sending sick friends get well cards, and so forth, she will see that this is how people should treat each other.
Also, provide opportunities for your child to be generous, to serve others in some capacity. Volunteer together at a local soup kitchen. Check the Internet for causes that interest you (or your child) and ask your child if she wants to help. Let your child see that you are willing to help, and you may be surprised at how willing your child is to give. She may even give her allowance to the Wildlife Federation or to help feed the homeless. Whatever the cause, whatever the service, your child will love the “warm fuzzies” she feels inside knowing that she has helped someone. So will you. And this will nurture a giving spirit in her that will continue to grow.

If Your Kid is Sick, Stay Home!

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, Saturday, November 14, 2009:

If Your Kid is Sick, Stay Home!
By, Michelle Harmon

Just about every weekday, I take my 21 month old with me to the gym. He plays with other children in the gym's daycare while I work out. This hour that I get all to myself is like heaven. Busy moms know what I'm talking about. There is little that keeps me from keeping this date every day. Only two things generally keep me from this daily routine. 1) If my kid is sick, we stay home. 2) If I am sick or have bad cramps, we stay home. The former is what I'd like to discuss here. I repeat—if my kid is sick, we stay home.

One day last week, as I was making my way to the childcare room after my workout, I heard a child coughing like crazy. I was about ten feet away from the door, and all I could think was, dear God, don't let that be Tommy (my son). I knew that it probably wasn't, he wasn't sick when I dropped him off and the likelihood that he developed a seal-like cough in the span of an hour was slim. But, we Moms, we always worry.

I walked into the room and saw my little guy happily playing cars with a little girl and the source of the dreaded cough was standing very near my son, holding a toy car, tears streaming down his face, still coughing—no hand over the mouth, not coughing into his sleeve, just coughing with my little guy less than three feet away from him! The teacher was also there, kneeling by the cougher with a Kleenex, trying to wipe his nose. I swooped in and grabbed up my little man.

I wanted to ask the teacher just why in the heck this little germ-spreader was here. Didn't they have a policy that sick kids are not allowed? I took a deep breath and calmly asked the teacher if the child was sick, why was he allowed at the daycare. The teacher answered that he didn't look sick and wasn't coughing or anything when his mother dropped him off. She continued that, had they known he was sick, they would have told his mother that he couldn't stay. “And, now?” I asked her, not feeling any more relaxed. She informed me that another child caregiver had been sent upstairs to pull his mother out of her aerobics class to come and pick up her child. Well, that's good, at least, I thought.

But the real fault lies with the Mom. Why in the world would a Mom knowingly send her child to daycare if he was sick? Yes, we all need a little “me time,” but not at the expense of the health of someone else's child, let alone your own. So, I urge you, Mamas, if you child is sick—for Pete's sake—keep him home!

And, sure enough, two days later, my son had a cough, a runny nose and a fever. And, guess what? We stayed home.