What I learned from my son's meth addiction and death.
10 months ago
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Moving On
Just an FYI, I am moving on from the LaPorte County Herald-Argus and will no longer be writing a column for them. I feel that it is time to get my feet wet elsewhere, so to speak. I will be concentrating more on the blog and also dabbling in other things. Thanks for all your support!
Sleeping a little Better
First, I was glad to hear from a family member about this issue. She has a child going through some similar bedtime battles; it's nice to know I am not alone. You know who you are, so, thanks for that, you!
I am happy to report that things are better. My little one has been taking 3 mg of Melatonin at bedtime, per the doctor. I don't think, chemically, it actually does much. However, psychologically, I think it helps--my little one thinks it will help her sleep better, so she does. I don't like my kids to have to take meds all the time, not even herbal supplements, like melatonin, so, eventually, I will be replacing this pill with a vitamin or some other placebo, and see if it still works. We are not cured of sleeplessness by any means, yet. However, my daughter has slept through 4 of the last 14 nights. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it is huge improvement for her.
I am happy to report that things are better. My little one has been taking 3 mg of Melatonin at bedtime, per the doctor. I don't think, chemically, it actually does much. However, psychologically, I think it helps--my little one thinks it will help her sleep better, so she does. I don't like my kids to have to take meds all the time, not even herbal supplements, like melatonin, so, eventually, I will be replacing this pill with a vitamin or some other placebo, and see if it still works. We are not cured of sleeplessness by any means, yet. However, my daughter has slept through 4 of the last 14 nights. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it is huge improvement for her.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Sleepless in the Harmon Household
My daughter's night waking continues. Every single night for the past few weeks, she has been getting up. Mostly she just gets up, crying and looking anxious, saying that she can't go to sleep. Some nights she talks incoherently about unimportant things. I'm calling the pediatrician this morning.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Night waking
A few years ago, my middle daughter suffered from night terrors. Which, if you don't know, are not the same as nightmares. Nightmares are bad dreams that, sometimes, wake you up. Night terrors, on the other hand, are when a person screams, cries, walks, runs, and so forth while not fully awake, generally feeling scared or even terrified. My daughter used to wake up screaming, talking but making no sense, yelling for me even when I was holding her, and, sometimes, trying to run out of the house. It was frightening. At the time, the doctor told us that he believed she was having night terrors as a result of turmoil in her life. It made sense--her father and I had just divorced, we moved to a new town, she was attending a new school--yes, this was turmoil. The doctor explained that my young daughter was stressed and couldn't deal with all the feelings she was experiencing while awake, so these feelings and stress manifested themselves in the form of night terrors. The doctor indicated that she would probably just grow out of it. She did. After a few months, they simply went away, and she slept fine every night. Now, my same daughter is waking up often at night. She is not having night terrors, thank the Lord. This time, she is getting up, sometimes crying a little bit, sometimes saying she is scared, but mostly just walking around and talking but not making any sense. I cannot think of anything stressful that is occurring in her life or in our family right now. So, I am puzzled. Do some kids just experience sleep-walking and night waking for no real reason?
I Can Do it Myself!
*As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, November 13, 2010:
I Can Do it Myself!
By, Michelle Harmon
If you have a two or three year-old ragamuffin running around your house as I do, chances are you have heard “I can do it myself!” or “I do it!” (my delightful son's exclamation of choice).
Why the sudden determination?
Well, kids at this age are coming into their own, so to speak. Their personalities are becoming more developed, and they are realizing that they do have some power in this big old world surrounding them. So, when your child insists that “she can do it herself,” she's not being defiant. She is simply letting you know that she is not a baby anymore and wants to show you (and herself) that she is not helpless, she's a big girl, now.
If the task at hand is really something you think your child can do, let him. If he wants to pick out his own clothes, let him. So what if he doesn't have a matching outfit? Unless he's going to get his picture taken or he's off to Grandma's, a unmatching outfit isn't going to matter, but he will feel confident in it because he picked it out himself. If he can screw the cap on his sippy cup, let him. These little acts make your child feel important, why not acquiesce?
One thing to keep in mind when letting your little big kid do things himself, is safety. If he says he can give himself a bath, well, obviously that's a safety concern and you can't let him do that. But, you could let him pick out his own pajamas or wash his own belly. And, I'd wait until he was about twelve before I'd let him cook his own mac-n-cheese.
Another consideration is time. If you take your little one to daycare or preschool in the morning, and he has started to want to do things himself, you may want to allow for more time for getting out the door. It takes a toddler much longer to pull on his shirt and shoes and find his book bag than it takes you.
Finally, take heart, Mama. Your little one is growing up and you have to let him start really exploring his world and learning what he can do. Enjoy it. Enjoy watching him put his shoes on the wrong feet or pulling on mismatched socks. Because before you know it, you'll be watching him pulling out of the driveway.
I Can Do it Myself!
By, Michelle Harmon
If you have a two or three year-old ragamuffin running around your house as I do, chances are you have heard “I can do it myself!” or “I do it!” (my delightful son's exclamation of choice).
Why the sudden determination?
Well, kids at this age are coming into their own, so to speak. Their personalities are becoming more developed, and they are realizing that they do have some power in this big old world surrounding them. So, when your child insists that “she can do it herself,” she's not being defiant. She is simply letting you know that she is not a baby anymore and wants to show you (and herself) that she is not helpless, she's a big girl, now.
If the task at hand is really something you think your child can do, let him. If he wants to pick out his own clothes, let him. So what if he doesn't have a matching outfit? Unless he's going to get his picture taken or he's off to Grandma's, a unmatching outfit isn't going to matter, but he will feel confident in it because he picked it out himself. If he can screw the cap on his sippy cup, let him. These little acts make your child feel important, why not acquiesce?
One thing to keep in mind when letting your little big kid do things himself, is safety. If he says he can give himself a bath, well, obviously that's a safety concern and you can't let him do that. But, you could let him pick out his own pajamas or wash his own belly. And, I'd wait until he was about twelve before I'd let him cook his own mac-n-cheese.
Another consideration is time. If you take your little one to daycare or preschool in the morning, and he has started to want to do things himself, you may want to allow for more time for getting out the door. It takes a toddler much longer to pull on his shirt and shoes and find his book bag than it takes you.
Finally, take heart, Mama. Your little one is growing up and you have to let him start really exploring his world and learning what he can do. Enjoy it. Enjoy watching him put his shoes on the wrong feet or pulling on mismatched socks. Because before you know it, you'll be watching him pulling out of the driveway.
More Than it Hurts You
*As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, October 30, 2010:
This is Gonna Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You
By, Michelle Harmon
“This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.” You've heard this expression, right? Probably when you were a kid, and it was most likely followed by a sharp whack to the behind, right? Yes, me and my behind remember this expression all to well. I was thinking of it the other day when my eldest daughter told a lie, and my husband and I were disciplining her.
No, we didn't spank her. Spanking, in my opinion, is outdated, ineffective and more about punishment than about actually learning something. I want my kids to learn from their mistakes, so I discipline them, I don't punish them. That being said, I've been around the block long enough to know that in order for discipline to be effective, it has to hurt. I'm not talking physical pain, but the kind of pain that comes with taking one's lumps, so to speak. The only catch is that this kind of discipline takes an iron will on the part of the parent because it hurts the parent, too.
For example, as aforementioned, my darling daughter told a lie and got caught—again. This has been happening far too often with her lately, and my husband and I were racking our brains trying to figure out an appropriate way to discipline her that would actually work. In thinking about it, we determined that the only way to get through to her was to hit her where it hurts (no, not on her backside!). She's 11. The most important thing to any eleven year old is her friends. So, we told her that from now until we decide otherwise, she is to go to school and come straight home after school. No clubs, no sports, no friend's houses, no friend's over. Now, we have tried this before, but I have always caved after a week or so. Not this time; this time Mama is going the distance. My little darling is going to learn her lesson, by Golly, even if it kills me!
No, I am not looking forward to watching her sulk around the house. This will be difficult. I am even less looking forward to the calls from the school wondering why she hasn't shown up for a club meeting or a sports practice. This will be embarrassing. She will have to explain to her teachers and coaches why she has let them down. This will be tough. She will have to tell her friends why she cannot spend time with them outside of school. This will be tougher. Yes, my kiddo and I have a few tough weeks ahead. But, a Mom's gotta do what a Mom's gotta do.
This is Gonna Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You
By, Michelle Harmon
“This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.” You've heard this expression, right? Probably when you were a kid, and it was most likely followed by a sharp whack to the behind, right? Yes, me and my behind remember this expression all to well. I was thinking of it the other day when my eldest daughter told a lie, and my husband and I were disciplining her.
No, we didn't spank her. Spanking, in my opinion, is outdated, ineffective and more about punishment than about actually learning something. I want my kids to learn from their mistakes, so I discipline them, I don't punish them. That being said, I've been around the block long enough to know that in order for discipline to be effective, it has to hurt. I'm not talking physical pain, but the kind of pain that comes with taking one's lumps, so to speak. The only catch is that this kind of discipline takes an iron will on the part of the parent because it hurts the parent, too.
For example, as aforementioned, my darling daughter told a lie and got caught—again. This has been happening far too often with her lately, and my husband and I were racking our brains trying to figure out an appropriate way to discipline her that would actually work. In thinking about it, we determined that the only way to get through to her was to hit her where it hurts (no, not on her backside!). She's 11. The most important thing to any eleven year old is her friends. So, we told her that from now until we decide otherwise, she is to go to school and come straight home after school. No clubs, no sports, no friend's houses, no friend's over. Now, we have tried this before, but I have always caved after a week or so. Not this time; this time Mama is going the distance. My little darling is going to learn her lesson, by Golly, even if it kills me!
No, I am not looking forward to watching her sulk around the house. This will be difficult. I am even less looking forward to the calls from the school wondering why she hasn't shown up for a club meeting or a sports practice. This will be embarrassing. She will have to explain to her teachers and coaches why she has let them down. This will be tough. She will have to tell her friends why she cannot spend time with them outside of school. This will be tougher. Yes, my kiddo and I have a few tough weeks ahead. But, a Mom's gotta do what a Mom's gotta do.
Numbers
*As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, August 14, 2010:
Stop Focusing on the Numbers
By, Michelle Harmon
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
Stop Focusing on the Numbers
By, Michelle Harmon
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sending out the Search Party
If I could only give one piece of advice to a new mom, it would be this: don't get lost. Don't get lost. It is too easy to lose yourself in the shuffle of diapers and cleaning and laundry and playdates and lunches and backpacks, etc. Till one day you look around and you wonder, where did I go? Where is that woman I once knew? I don't see her anywhere! You look around your place and all you see our representations of your kids, their toys, their pictures, their drawings, their messes...just them. No you. I think I lost myself somewhere back in 2001 or maybe 2002. I'm sending out the search party.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Different is Good
Encourage your Child to be Different
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/24/10:
Peer pressure is something that we all deal with almost all the time. Ever look at your neighbor's lawn and compare it to yours? You don't want your lawn to look any less green or maintained than your neighbor's, right? If you think about it, that's peer pressure. It's subtle, but it is a form of peer pressure, nonetheless. Have you ever gone to party for your boss or a co-worker even though you really did not want to go, but you thought that you should? Ever pitch in for flowers or a gift for a coworker you don't like just because everyone else in the office was pitching in? Peer pressure is a reality, and it never really goes away, but when you are a teenager or a preteen, the pressure to fit in, to be like everyone else can be exhausting, scary, and, even, dangerous. So, how do you help your child through this difficult stage in her life? Encourage your child to be different.
Luckily, we live in a society in which individuality is generally celebrated. It's okay not to be like everybody else. Let your child know this, and encourage her to be her own person at every turn. This will help your child to learn who she really is and what really matters to her. This, in turn, will boost self-esteem and give her the tools to fight peer pressure.
For example, if your son asks you to buy him a certain pair of shoes because everyone else has them, refuse. Oh yes, your child will think you are mean, but by refusing you are teaching him that he does not have to be like everyone else. Now, if he had asked you for the shoes because he genuinely liked them and they expressed his own style, then, I'd say, go for it. But, if he only wants them because the other guys have him, then, he does not need them. Encourage him to pick out a pair that are unique to him and his style. This will reinforce the notion that different is good, and he is good and worthy. So, maybe when one of his buddies offers him a smoke in the school bathroom, he'll have the strength to say no.
Summing up, encourage your child to be different at every turn. I'm not saying you encourage your daughter to don rainbow-colored hair and a tutu at school, but you encourage her to express herself, to be herself, not to be a photocopy of everybody else. This will help her to realize that she is worthy and will boost self-esteem, making her stronger against peer pressure. Along the same lines, live this idea yourself. Don't buy a minivan because all the other moms on the block have one. Don't put a windmill on your lawn because your neighbor has one in his yard. Instead, be the only house in your neighborhood that decorates for Halloween. Go all out! Show the neighbors who you are; show your kids that different is good. I can't wait for Halloween this year—my neighbors won't know what hit them!
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/24/10:
Peer pressure is something that we all deal with almost all the time. Ever look at your neighbor's lawn and compare it to yours? You don't want your lawn to look any less green or maintained than your neighbor's, right? If you think about it, that's peer pressure. It's subtle, but it is a form of peer pressure, nonetheless. Have you ever gone to party for your boss or a co-worker even though you really did not want to go, but you thought that you should? Ever pitch in for flowers or a gift for a coworker you don't like just because everyone else in the office was pitching in? Peer pressure is a reality, and it never really goes away, but when you are a teenager or a preteen, the pressure to fit in, to be like everyone else can be exhausting, scary, and, even, dangerous. So, how do you help your child through this difficult stage in her life? Encourage your child to be different.
Luckily, we live in a society in which individuality is generally celebrated. It's okay not to be like everybody else. Let your child know this, and encourage her to be her own person at every turn. This will help your child to learn who she really is and what really matters to her. This, in turn, will boost self-esteem and give her the tools to fight peer pressure.
For example, if your son asks you to buy him a certain pair of shoes because everyone else has them, refuse. Oh yes, your child will think you are mean, but by refusing you are teaching him that he does not have to be like everyone else. Now, if he had asked you for the shoes because he genuinely liked them and they expressed his own style, then, I'd say, go for it. But, if he only wants them because the other guys have him, then, he does not need them. Encourage him to pick out a pair that are unique to him and his style. This will reinforce the notion that different is good, and he is good and worthy. So, maybe when one of his buddies offers him a smoke in the school bathroom, he'll have the strength to say no.
Summing up, encourage your child to be different at every turn. I'm not saying you encourage your daughter to don rainbow-colored hair and a tutu at school, but you encourage her to express herself, to be herself, not to be a photocopy of everybody else. This will help her to realize that she is worthy and will boost self-esteem, making her stronger against peer pressure. Along the same lines, live this idea yourself. Don't buy a minivan because all the other moms on the block have one. Don't put a windmill on your lawn because your neighbor has one in his yard. Instead, be the only house in your neighborhood that decorates for Halloween. Go all out! Show the neighbors who you are; show your kids that different is good. I can't wait for Halloween this year—my neighbors won't know what hit them!
Not Just a Number
Stop Focusing on the Numbers
By, Michelle Harmon, as published on 8/14/10:
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published on 8/14/10:
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
Raise a Reader
Raising a Reader
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/17/10:
Every Mom knows that reading is an essential skill for success in school and, let's face it, in life. Any teacher will tell you that the students who score the best on standardized tests, who have the best grades, and who generally like school are good readers. Beyond just the academic benefits of reading, most of us want to rear children who enjoy reading, who want to read because it's fun, not because the teacher or because Mom says they have to. So, how can we, as Moms, raise readers?
First, start them when they are young. From the time your child is born, read to him. Read him books, not just at bedtime, but as often as you can. Further, when you read to him, ask him questions about the pictures, and, as he gets older, ask him questions about the characters, the plot, and the meaning of the story you are reading. You will not only be helping your child to see that reading is fun, but you will helping him to develop comprehension skills by discussing the books.
Next, be a good role model. Read. Let your child see you reading instead of watching TV or sitting in front of the computer. What your children see you do has a much bigger impact on what they do than you probably even realize. Let's think about it. Kids whose parents smoke are much more likely to smoke when they grow up. Likewise, kids whose parents read are much more likely to read than kids whose parents spend their nights in front of the TV. While growing up, my mother was never without a book. I watched her read every night as a child, and, yes, she read to me when I was little. And, guess what? I grew up to be a voracious reader.
Also, take advantage of your local library. Take your kids to the library often to check out books. However, don't stop there. Take your child to fun library events that will help foster the notion that reading is, indeed, fun. Along those same lines, take advantage of the fact that many books are now ending up as movies. If your child loves wants to see the new Ramona movie, read the book with her first. My middle daughter got hooked on the Twilight series after having seen the first movie. Since then, she has read every sequel.
Finally, you might want to consider instituting a reading hour in your house. This is a time when the TV gets turned off, the phone is answered, the computer is off-limits and every member of the family reads. For younger ones, this may be a time when you read to them. For the older kids, this is a time when it's quiet and they get to read a book of their choice, and so do you. Your child may groan the first time you switch off the TV and declare, “reading hour.” But, eventually, she will begin to look forward to this peaceful time together.
Happy Reading!
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 7/17/10:
Every Mom knows that reading is an essential skill for success in school and, let's face it, in life. Any teacher will tell you that the students who score the best on standardized tests, who have the best grades, and who generally like school are good readers. Beyond just the academic benefits of reading, most of us want to rear children who enjoy reading, who want to read because it's fun, not because the teacher or because Mom says they have to. So, how can we, as Moms, raise readers?
First, start them when they are young. From the time your child is born, read to him. Read him books, not just at bedtime, but as often as you can. Further, when you read to him, ask him questions about the pictures, and, as he gets older, ask him questions about the characters, the plot, and the meaning of the story you are reading. You will not only be helping your child to see that reading is fun, but you will helping him to develop comprehension skills by discussing the books.
Next, be a good role model. Read. Let your child see you reading instead of watching TV or sitting in front of the computer. What your children see you do has a much bigger impact on what they do than you probably even realize. Let's think about it. Kids whose parents smoke are much more likely to smoke when they grow up. Likewise, kids whose parents read are much more likely to read than kids whose parents spend their nights in front of the TV. While growing up, my mother was never without a book. I watched her read every night as a child, and, yes, she read to me when I was little. And, guess what? I grew up to be a voracious reader.
Also, take advantage of your local library. Take your kids to the library often to check out books. However, don't stop there. Take your child to fun library events that will help foster the notion that reading is, indeed, fun. Along those same lines, take advantage of the fact that many books are now ending up as movies. If your child loves wants to see the new Ramona movie, read the book with her first. My middle daughter got hooked on the Twilight series after having seen the first movie. Since then, she has read every sequel.
Finally, you might want to consider instituting a reading hour in your house. This is a time when the TV gets turned off, the phone is answered, the computer is off-limits and every member of the family reads. For younger ones, this may be a time when you read to them. For the older kids, this is a time when it's quiet and they get to read a book of their choice, and so do you. Your child may groan the first time you switch off the TV and declare, “reading hour.” But, eventually, she will begin to look forward to this peaceful time together.
Happy Reading!
Advice for New Moms
New Mom Survival Guide
by, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Arugus, 7/10/10:
This week's column if for you new moms—the ones over the moon gazing over their precious bundles of joy. The ones wondering when their last shower was, who have forgotten the smell of clothes minus spit-up and urine, the ones whose friends wonder if they will ever leave the house! Here's the deal, new Mama, take a shower, yes, fix your hair, and, for God's sake, get out of the house!
Motherhood is wonderful and, let's face it, a little bit scary when you're new at it. If you've ever watched a new mother with her baby, they are very easy to spot—new moms hover over the baby like they are waiting for it to explode or something! And, I'll bet, if you've been around a new mom and her baby, you probably haven't even heard that baby cry! New moms swoop up babies at the first sign of a whimper!
So, new moms, first things first. Babies cry. They cry because they can't talk. They can't tell you what the want, so they cry. When your baby cries, it doesn't always mean she is hungry, so don't whip out the bottle or the boob at every whimper! Sometimes, they cry because they are bored, tired, too warm, too cold, or over-stimulated. Try other things to ease your babies tears, otherwise you may actually end up over-feeding her and exhausting yourself and ending up with both of you being covered in spit-up—again! Get to know your babies cries. They are different. If you let your baby cry a little and really listen to her, you will begin to learn what a hungry cry sounds like as opposed to a wet diaper cry and so on. Babies are supposed to cry; it doesn't make you a baby mother.
Next, you have got to get yourself out of the house a little. If you're a nursing mom, this may take a little more finesse and preparation, but you can do it. I'm not suggesting you go out and paint the town red or anything. Just enlist the help of Daddy or Grandma or another dependable sitter and go get your nails down, have lunch with a girlfriend, or even just go to the grocery store by yourself. I used to love to just go to Starbucks and sit with a latte and a good book for a few hours by myself when my kids were newborns; it worked to calm me down and learn to really love being a mom. These little outings will do and your baby some good. It's much easier to enjoy your baby and motherhood, in general, when you allow yourself to still be you.
Also, accept help. It does not mean that you aren't a good mom if your mother comes over and cleans the house for you while you get some much needed shut eye. It speaks nothing of your skills as a mother if your neighbor brings you a casserole, so you don't have to worry about cooking dinner. Don't set yourself up for, what I like to call, Super Mom burn-out, from the very beginning! Ask for help if you need it, and, for Heaven's sake, accept it if it is offered!
Finally, don't spend gobs of money on baby clothes—they grow out of them really fast! Do take lots of pictures; don't worry yourself over every little cry or whimper or (later on) skinned knee. Do realize how blessed you are and enjoy the ride...
by, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Arugus, 7/10/10:
This week's column if for you new moms—the ones over the moon gazing over their precious bundles of joy. The ones wondering when their last shower was, who have forgotten the smell of clothes minus spit-up and urine, the ones whose friends wonder if they will ever leave the house! Here's the deal, new Mama, take a shower, yes, fix your hair, and, for God's sake, get out of the house!
Motherhood is wonderful and, let's face it, a little bit scary when you're new at it. If you've ever watched a new mother with her baby, they are very easy to spot—new moms hover over the baby like they are waiting for it to explode or something! And, I'll bet, if you've been around a new mom and her baby, you probably haven't even heard that baby cry! New moms swoop up babies at the first sign of a whimper!
So, new moms, first things first. Babies cry. They cry because they can't talk. They can't tell you what the want, so they cry. When your baby cries, it doesn't always mean she is hungry, so don't whip out the bottle or the boob at every whimper! Sometimes, they cry because they are bored, tired, too warm, too cold, or over-stimulated. Try other things to ease your babies tears, otherwise you may actually end up over-feeding her and exhausting yourself and ending up with both of you being covered in spit-up—again! Get to know your babies cries. They are different. If you let your baby cry a little and really listen to her, you will begin to learn what a hungry cry sounds like as opposed to a wet diaper cry and so on. Babies are supposed to cry; it doesn't make you a baby mother.
Next, you have got to get yourself out of the house a little. If you're a nursing mom, this may take a little more finesse and preparation, but you can do it. I'm not suggesting you go out and paint the town red or anything. Just enlist the help of Daddy or Grandma or another dependable sitter and go get your nails down, have lunch with a girlfriend, or even just go to the grocery store by yourself. I used to love to just go to Starbucks and sit with a latte and a good book for a few hours by myself when my kids were newborns; it worked to calm me down and learn to really love being a mom. These little outings will do and your baby some good. It's much easier to enjoy your baby and motherhood, in general, when you allow yourself to still be you.
Also, accept help. It does not mean that you aren't a good mom if your mother comes over and cleans the house for you while you get some much needed shut eye. It speaks nothing of your skills as a mother if your neighbor brings you a casserole, so you don't have to worry about cooking dinner. Don't set yourself up for, what I like to call, Super Mom burn-out, from the very beginning! Ask for help if you need it, and, for Heaven's sake, accept it if it is offered!
Finally, don't spend gobs of money on baby clothes—they grow out of them really fast! Do take lots of pictures; don't worry yourself over every little cry or whimper or (later on) skinned knee. Do realize how blessed you are and enjoy the ride...
Belonging
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, Sat. July 3, 2010:
Belonging at Home
By, Michelle Harmon
It's summer. The kids are out of school, and if your house is anything like mine, your preteen or teen spends very little time at home. Last week, I think my daughter treated our home like a Motel 8. She came home to sleep and maybe eat an occasional meal or two, then, she was gone, again. And, I got to thinking, this can't be good.
It isn't. Of course we want our kids to have fun and make friends, but kids have to understand that there first priority is to the their family. How can your child contribute to the family when he's gone most of the time? Even more than that, if your child isn't home long enough for you to spend quality time together and really get to know each other, then how will you foster a sense of belonging in your child? Think of your family like an elite club, like the American Legion or the Moose Lodge, if the members never show up for events or to pay their dues, then they are going to care very little about the other members, about the club itself, and they will not really belong to the club. Same thing in families.
As parents (or Lodge presidents), we have to ensure that each member contributes in some way and that each member feels special. We want our members to continue their membership year after year, right? We want our kids to know that no matter what, they are always are part of the family, and they can always come home, right?
So, the next time your child wants to go out for the third night in a row, think twice. Spend some time with her instead. Yes, she may object, at first, but eventually, she'll realize just how important she is to you and to the family. She will know that she has an important place with you and her siblings. Then, she may even decide that she wants to spend some time with just the family, the elite club that not everybody gets to be a part of.
Belonging at Home
By, Michelle Harmon
It's summer. The kids are out of school, and if your house is anything like mine, your preteen or teen spends very little time at home. Last week, I think my daughter treated our home like a Motel 8. She came home to sleep and maybe eat an occasional meal or two, then, she was gone, again. And, I got to thinking, this can't be good.
It isn't. Of course we want our kids to have fun and make friends, but kids have to understand that there first priority is to the their family. How can your child contribute to the family when he's gone most of the time? Even more than that, if your child isn't home long enough for you to spend quality time together and really get to know each other, then how will you foster a sense of belonging in your child? Think of your family like an elite club, like the American Legion or the Moose Lodge, if the members never show up for events or to pay their dues, then they are going to care very little about the other members, about the club itself, and they will not really belong to the club. Same thing in families.
As parents (or Lodge presidents), we have to ensure that each member contributes in some way and that each member feels special. We want our members to continue their membership year after year, right? We want our kids to know that no matter what, they are always are part of the family, and they can always come home, right?
So, the next time your child wants to go out for the third night in a row, think twice. Spend some time with her instead. Yes, she may object, at first, but eventually, she'll realize just how important she is to you and to the family. She will know that she has an important place with you and her siblings. Then, she may even decide that she wants to spend some time with just the family, the elite club that not everybody gets to be a part of.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
New Kid, Day--whatever the hell!
Okay, so, I've lost track of the days since the great "Leman experiment", forgive me, with four kids, I'm lucky I haven't lost my mind, not to mention my car keys! Anyway, I have been applying Leman's principles for some time now, and I have to admit, the man knows a thing or two! My kids have stepped up to the plate in regards to chores and overall helpfulness. They listen better, well, most of the time. My one continuing battle is with the fighting among the girls. It has gotten better, and I stick with Leman's philosophy of not choosing sides and letting the kids work things out on their own--which, by the way, can be very hard to do, it takes a lot of restraint on my part--most of the time, the girls work it out. Unfortunately, their niceness doesn't last long and within a hour or two (sometimes less), they're at it again!
One very positive thing that has come from letting them work out their own squabbles is that I have noticed that they work better together on solving problems or on agreeing what to do about a certain thing. For example, the other night after a day consisting of several mini-battles between the two older girls, the two girls sat down and discussed the things that the do that get on the other one's nerves. Then, they agreed on strategies to work on these things. I gotta say I was blown away! Then, to top it off, they noticed that Mom does more work around the house than anyone, and they decided that they needed to pitch in more (this came unprovoked, mind you). So, between the two of them, they decided how each of them would contribute more to the household chores. Cue the violins!
One very positive thing that has come from letting them work out their own squabbles is that I have noticed that they work better together on solving problems or on agreeing what to do about a certain thing. For example, the other night after a day consisting of several mini-battles between the two older girls, the two girls sat down and discussed the things that the do that get on the other one's nerves. Then, they agreed on strategies to work on these things. I gotta say I was blown away! Then, to top it off, they noticed that Mom does more work around the house than anyone, and they decided that they needed to pitch in more (this came unprovoked, mind you). So, between the two of them, they decided how each of them would contribute more to the household chores. Cue the violins!
Journal Ideas
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, June 26, 2010:
Journaling Ideas for Parents
By, Michelle Harmon
Some of you keep a journal or a diary where you write down your most intimate thoughts, create poetry, doodles or you may even keep a gratitude journal to remind you of the things in life for which you are grateful. Journaling about your kids and about your experience raising them can be very cathartic, rewarding, and can also remind you to be grateful that you have been given such a grand opportunity to be someone's Mommy.
When my oldest daughter was born, I kept a journal in which I documented her first smile, her first time rolling over and other less monumental events in her babyhood. I also wrote what I was feeling at the time, whether it was awe at the wonder of my child or pure exhaustion. I wrote the journal like I was talking to my daughter. I plan on giving it to her when she is grown and has her own child. If you haven't done this, try it. You won't regret it. Even if your kids are older, any age is full of things to note. And if you don't want to do a whole journal, write your kids letters. Letters that document an event or that even tell of a struggle, letters that are honest and heartfelt. Letters that will help you get out how you feel and that will make your child smile when you present them to her years later.
Another idea is to keep a parenting journal for yourself. Keep this separate from your personal diary and only write things in it that pertain to parenting and your kids. Write about the struggles of potty training and the joy when he finally pooped on the potty! Write about the tumultuous adolescent years and how you got through them. This can be a valuable tool for you to go back and see what techniques worked, not to mention to remember your child at age 2 as he stands before you at age 12. This can also be something that you share with your children when they have children of their own.
Finally, you could keep a journal with your child. That is, a notebook where you write to each other. This can be particularly helpful when the family is going through turmoil like a divorce. Sometimes children (and adults) have a hard time talking about things, but they may find it much easier to write about their feelings. Keep this journal in a special place where your child can write you a message whenever he feels so inclined, and you can write back and he will know where to find it later. This can be a great way to build a close relationship between you and your child.
Happy writing!
Journaling Ideas for Parents
By, Michelle Harmon
Some of you keep a journal or a diary where you write down your most intimate thoughts, create poetry, doodles or you may even keep a gratitude journal to remind you of the things in life for which you are grateful. Journaling about your kids and about your experience raising them can be very cathartic, rewarding, and can also remind you to be grateful that you have been given such a grand opportunity to be someone's Mommy.
When my oldest daughter was born, I kept a journal in which I documented her first smile, her first time rolling over and other less monumental events in her babyhood. I also wrote what I was feeling at the time, whether it was awe at the wonder of my child or pure exhaustion. I wrote the journal like I was talking to my daughter. I plan on giving it to her when she is grown and has her own child. If you haven't done this, try it. You won't regret it. Even if your kids are older, any age is full of things to note. And if you don't want to do a whole journal, write your kids letters. Letters that document an event or that even tell of a struggle, letters that are honest and heartfelt. Letters that will help you get out how you feel and that will make your child smile when you present them to her years later.
Another idea is to keep a parenting journal for yourself. Keep this separate from your personal diary and only write things in it that pertain to parenting and your kids. Write about the struggles of potty training and the joy when he finally pooped on the potty! Write about the tumultuous adolescent years and how you got through them. This can be a valuable tool for you to go back and see what techniques worked, not to mention to remember your child at age 2 as he stands before you at age 12. This can also be something that you share with your children when they have children of their own.
Finally, you could keep a journal with your child. That is, a notebook where you write to each other. This can be particularly helpful when the family is going through turmoil like a divorce. Sometimes children (and adults) have a hard time talking about things, but they may find it much easier to write about their feelings. Keep this journal in a special place where your child can write you a message whenever he feels so inclined, and you can write back and he will know where to find it later. This can be a great way to build a close relationship between you and your child.
Happy writing!
Don't Let 'Em Play You
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, June 19, 2010:
Don't Let Them Play You
By, Michelle Harmon
Mom: “Susie, I told you that you couldn't go to play at Jane's house until your room was picked up.”
Susie: “Dad said I could go.” And, how does Mom respond? Well, what can she say? She can't fault the child if she got permission from Dad. She can't fault Dad, either. So, Mom's stuck. Susie has played her, and there is nothing she can do about it. At least not this time.
The situation is not totally hopeless for Mom, however. Kids are master manipulators and they learn very quickly who is the soft touch, who they can pull one over on. So, first thing you have to do, Mom, is face that fact. All kids are experts at it, and if they are given the opportunity to play you, they will pounce on it like a cougar on a gazelle. So, now that we know this. The first thing you need to do is sit down with Dad and discuss the basic rules of the house and for each child. It's important that you discuss each child because if you have children of varying ages, chances are your expectations for them are different, and, thus so are some of the rules. You discussed; now, come to an agreement. That was the easy part.
The hard part is to never, ever, for any reason falter. That is, if you and your spouse agreed that Susie must complete her homework before she goes over to a friend's house, then, every time this must happen. This rule must be enforced every time no matter how much Susie whines and begs. Susie will probably try to ask one of you, and if she doesn't get the answer she wants, she'll try the other parent. But, this time, you will both have the same answer. You got her! She now knows that Mom and Dad are a united front, and there will be no more playing one against the other.
Now, I do realize that issues will come up that you and your spouse may not have discussed yet. For example, your twelve year old asks you if you can drop her off to see a movie with her friends. You aren't sure what to do. You think it might be okay, but you are not sure if your spouse would agree. You can either make a choice and stick to it. Or, you can wait until Dad comes home and discuss it, then, let your child know if permission will be granted. The better option is to wait until Dad comes home and make the decision together. But, if Dad is away, say on a business trip, and you cannot wait until he gets home. Well, then, Mom, you make the decision and stick with it. You can fill Dad in when he gets home and let him know that you need his support on this. If you work together, your kids will notice. And, whether you know it or not, they will be all the better off for it.
Don't Let Them Play You
By, Michelle Harmon
Mom: “Susie, I told you that you couldn't go to play at Jane's house until your room was picked up.”
Susie: “Dad said I could go.” And, how does Mom respond? Well, what can she say? She can't fault the child if she got permission from Dad. She can't fault Dad, either. So, Mom's stuck. Susie has played her, and there is nothing she can do about it. At least not this time.
The situation is not totally hopeless for Mom, however. Kids are master manipulators and they learn very quickly who is the soft touch, who they can pull one over on. So, first thing you have to do, Mom, is face that fact. All kids are experts at it, and if they are given the opportunity to play you, they will pounce on it like a cougar on a gazelle. So, now that we know this. The first thing you need to do is sit down with Dad and discuss the basic rules of the house and for each child. It's important that you discuss each child because if you have children of varying ages, chances are your expectations for them are different, and, thus so are some of the rules. You discussed; now, come to an agreement. That was the easy part.
The hard part is to never, ever, for any reason falter. That is, if you and your spouse agreed that Susie must complete her homework before she goes over to a friend's house, then, every time this must happen. This rule must be enforced every time no matter how much Susie whines and begs. Susie will probably try to ask one of you, and if she doesn't get the answer she wants, she'll try the other parent. But, this time, you will both have the same answer. You got her! She now knows that Mom and Dad are a united front, and there will be no more playing one against the other.
Now, I do realize that issues will come up that you and your spouse may not have discussed yet. For example, your twelve year old asks you if you can drop her off to see a movie with her friends. You aren't sure what to do. You think it might be okay, but you are not sure if your spouse would agree. You can either make a choice and stick to it. Or, you can wait until Dad comes home and discuss it, then, let your child know if permission will be granted. The better option is to wait until Dad comes home and make the decision together. But, if Dad is away, say on a business trip, and you cannot wait until he gets home. Well, then, Mom, you make the decision and stick with it. You can fill Dad in when he gets home and let him know that you need his support on this. If you work together, your kids will notice. And, whether you know it or not, they will be all the better off for it.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Making Kids Accountable
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 6/12/2010:
Making Kids Accountable
By, Michelle Harmon
Imagine this typical scenario in a house with kids: Johnny has a baseball game in an hour, and you are just about to head out the door when you walk past Johnny's room and note the disaster. You know that you told him two hours ago to pick up his room, and, yet, there it is, still a mess. So, what do you do? You have basically two choices. You can ignore it, go to the game and tell him to pick it up after you get home, or you can tell him that you all cannot go to the game until the room is picked up. The first option is much easier. He can just pick it up after the game. So, what's wrong with that? As long as it gets cleaned, does it really matter when? Yes, it does, Mom. You told him to pick it up two hours ago, so two hours ago it should have been done. If you let it slide, you are basically communicating to Johnny that he doesn't have to do what you say, and that he still gets to do what he wants to do. You teach him nothing with choice #1.
But, you are thinking, choice number #2 isn't very appealing, either. Oh yes, it is much harder; it will take an iron will on your part. You don't want your little guy to miss his game or to be late for it. He'll let the team down. And, what will the other parents, not to mention the coach, think of you? It's hard, but you have to let all that go. If Johnny is late or misses the game, you have to let Johnny deal with the ramifications. It won't be easy, but this is the only way to teach accountability. Next time, Johnny will think twice before he ignores an order from you.
As I am writing this, my five year old is tearing up her room looking for a lost DVD. Not just any DVD, mind you. It is a DVD that I allowed her to check out from the library. About an hour ago, we were all set to go to the library, return our borrowed DVDs and books and check out new ones. This is one of our favorite things to do; all my kids love going to the library. However, as I looked into the bag full of our items to return, I just had a Mom feeling, if you will. I told my nine year old to check the DVD cases and ensure that each DVD was in its proper case. And, guess what? One of them was missing. Three Stooges, to be exact. So, I told my little stooge who borrowed said DVD to look for it. I explained that we will not be going to the library until the DVD is found. It's been an hour, and she is still looking, and the car is still parked. No, it's not easy to see the disappointment on the kids' faces, but I know that if I let it slide, my five year old will have learned nothing about taking care of library property, nor will she learn that she is accountable for her actions. So, sixty-four minutes and counting, we wait.
Making Kids Accountable
By, Michelle Harmon
Imagine this typical scenario in a house with kids: Johnny has a baseball game in an hour, and you are just about to head out the door when you walk past Johnny's room and note the disaster. You know that you told him two hours ago to pick up his room, and, yet, there it is, still a mess. So, what do you do? You have basically two choices. You can ignore it, go to the game and tell him to pick it up after you get home, or you can tell him that you all cannot go to the game until the room is picked up. The first option is much easier. He can just pick it up after the game. So, what's wrong with that? As long as it gets cleaned, does it really matter when? Yes, it does, Mom. You told him to pick it up two hours ago, so two hours ago it should have been done. If you let it slide, you are basically communicating to Johnny that he doesn't have to do what you say, and that he still gets to do what he wants to do. You teach him nothing with choice #1.
But, you are thinking, choice number #2 isn't very appealing, either. Oh yes, it is much harder; it will take an iron will on your part. You don't want your little guy to miss his game or to be late for it. He'll let the team down. And, what will the other parents, not to mention the coach, think of you? It's hard, but you have to let all that go. If Johnny is late or misses the game, you have to let Johnny deal with the ramifications. It won't be easy, but this is the only way to teach accountability. Next time, Johnny will think twice before he ignores an order from you.
As I am writing this, my five year old is tearing up her room looking for a lost DVD. Not just any DVD, mind you. It is a DVD that I allowed her to check out from the library. About an hour ago, we were all set to go to the library, return our borrowed DVDs and books and check out new ones. This is one of our favorite things to do; all my kids love going to the library. However, as I looked into the bag full of our items to return, I just had a Mom feeling, if you will. I told my nine year old to check the DVD cases and ensure that each DVD was in its proper case. And, guess what? One of them was missing. Three Stooges, to be exact. So, I told my little stooge who borrowed said DVD to look for it. I explained that we will not be going to the library until the DVD is found. It's been an hour, and she is still looking, and the car is still parked. No, it's not easy to see the disappointment on the kids' faces, but I know that if I let it slide, my five year old will have learned nothing about taking care of library property, nor will she learn that she is accountable for her actions. So, sixty-four minutes and counting, we wait.
In This Family We Support Each Other
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 5/22/2010:
In This Family We Support Each Other
By, Michelle Harmon
A typical weeknight or Saturday night in my house during this time of year consists of traveling from one softball game to the next, with all four kids in tow. Yes, it's a busy life, but it can be a very rewarding one. Especially, if the kids are cheering each other on and not just worrying about themselves. Supporting one another and thinking more about family and less about self is the lesson I am trying to teach my kids through sports.
My mantra is: “In this family we support each other.” I say it often. In fact, my oldest jokes about it, “Mom, you say that about five times a day!” I answer, “Maybe so. That's because I want you to remember it.” It all started during one of my middle daughter's games. My oldest did not feel like sitting and watching her sister play. She would rather hang out with friends that were also in attendance (with little sisters playing in the game). My youngest thought it would be much more fun to play on the playground than sit and watch her big sister play. I turned to the two of them and asked them, “Why are we here?” They, of course, answered, “for Isabelle's game.” “That's right,” I said. “And, in this family we support each other, so you are going to sit here and support your sister. And, when, you have a game, Isabelle will do the same for you.” They looked at me dumbfounded for a minute and even pouted a little. But, after awhile, they put their energies into cheering their sister on. And, it was a proud moment for Mom. Now, whenever we go to games, no one asks to go play. We all support each other.
The point that I'm driving at with my kids is that by supporting each other at softball games, they will begin to notice how good it feels to support someone else and how good it feels to have your siblings supporting you. I hope this is something that they will carry on throughout life, not just within our family, but at school and, eventually, at work and in their own families. Every parent wants her child to grow up to be a thoughtful and caring adult. Something as simple as learning to cheer on your sister at a softball game can help foster a desire to be kind and supportive of others and not thinking just of oneself.
In This Family We Support Each Other
By, Michelle Harmon
A typical weeknight or Saturday night in my house during this time of year consists of traveling from one softball game to the next, with all four kids in tow. Yes, it's a busy life, but it can be a very rewarding one. Especially, if the kids are cheering each other on and not just worrying about themselves. Supporting one another and thinking more about family and less about self is the lesson I am trying to teach my kids through sports.
My mantra is: “In this family we support each other.” I say it often. In fact, my oldest jokes about it, “Mom, you say that about five times a day!” I answer, “Maybe so. That's because I want you to remember it.” It all started during one of my middle daughter's games. My oldest did not feel like sitting and watching her sister play. She would rather hang out with friends that were also in attendance (with little sisters playing in the game). My youngest thought it would be much more fun to play on the playground than sit and watch her big sister play. I turned to the two of them and asked them, “Why are we here?” They, of course, answered, “for Isabelle's game.” “That's right,” I said. “And, in this family we support each other, so you are going to sit here and support your sister. And, when, you have a game, Isabelle will do the same for you.” They looked at me dumbfounded for a minute and even pouted a little. But, after awhile, they put their energies into cheering their sister on. And, it was a proud moment for Mom. Now, whenever we go to games, no one asks to go play. We all support each other.
The point that I'm driving at with my kids is that by supporting each other at softball games, they will begin to notice how good it feels to support someone else and how good it feels to have your siblings supporting you. I hope this is something that they will carry on throughout life, not just within our family, but at school and, eventually, at work and in their own families. Every parent wants her child to grow up to be a thoughtful and caring adult. Something as simple as learning to cheer on your sister at a softball game can help foster a desire to be kind and supportive of others and not thinking just of oneself.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I Choose Not to Get Involved: A New Kid, Day ?
Okay, so, somewhere between softball games and the terrible twos, I lost track of the days of my little Leman experiment. Oh, well, I say. The important thing is, I am still sticking to it.
Per Leman's advice, I have chosen to no longer get involved in sibling rivalry. That is, when my girls argue (fight) with each other, call names, or, in general, get on each other's nerves, I stay out of it. Getting in the middle only makes matters worse, and someone always ends up getting mad at me! So, I simply do not get involved. When one of my girls comes to me whining that her sister took her shirt or borrowed her nail polish or won't pick up her side of the room or whatever sort of drama is going on, I simply tell the child, "I'm not getting involved. You two work it out." And, you know what? This strategy workds! Yes, they still argue, but they do figure out a way to work whatever it is out, and I don't have to be the bad guy! I've been doing this for several days now, and (pinch me!), the girls have been arguing A LOT less!
Along these same lines, when I hear the girls being rude to each other or calling names, I don't intervene. Like a spider, I just wait patiently in my web for the correct moment to strike. At some point the child will want something from me or will want to do something, and that is the moment I get them! Muhhaha! For example, yesterday Isabelle and Peyton (my second and third daughters) were cleaning their room and were particularly catty to each other. I listened but said nothing. After the room was clean, they emerged and asked to watch TV. I replied, "I'm sorry, girls, but you cannot watch TV because I didn't like the way you were treating each other while you were cleaning your room. You were very mean to each other, and that is not acceptable in this family." You should have seen their mouths drop! But, what came out of those mouths? Nothing! Not a whine, not a protest. They accepted what I had said without argument. Cue the Hallelujah chorus, please!
Per Leman's advice, I have chosen to no longer get involved in sibling rivalry. That is, when my girls argue (fight) with each other, call names, or, in general, get on each other's nerves, I stay out of it. Getting in the middle only makes matters worse, and someone always ends up getting mad at me! So, I simply do not get involved. When one of my girls comes to me whining that her sister took her shirt or borrowed her nail polish or won't pick up her side of the room or whatever sort of drama is going on, I simply tell the child, "I'm not getting involved. You two work it out." And, you know what? This strategy workds! Yes, they still argue, but they do figure out a way to work whatever it is out, and I don't have to be the bad guy! I've been doing this for several days now, and (pinch me!), the girls have been arguing A LOT less!
Along these same lines, when I hear the girls being rude to each other or calling names, I don't intervene. Like a spider, I just wait patiently in my web for the correct moment to strike. At some point the child will want something from me or will want to do something, and that is the moment I get them! Muhhaha! For example, yesterday Isabelle and Peyton (my second and third daughters) were cleaning their room and were particularly catty to each other. I listened but said nothing. After the room was clean, they emerged and asked to watch TV. I replied, "I'm sorry, girls, but you cannot watch TV because I didn't like the way you were treating each other while you were cleaning your room. You were very mean to each other, and that is not acceptable in this family." You should have seen their mouths drop! But, what came out of those mouths? Nothing! Not a whine, not a protest. They accepted what I had said without argument. Cue the Hallelujah chorus, please!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
One Day at a Time (New Kid, Day 7)
Since finishing the "new kid" section of Dr. Leman's book, I have been diligently putting the principles into practice and with much success. However, it has not been easy. My biggest issue, I think, is my affinity for threats and warnings. That is, I often find myself saying to one of my kids, "if you don't do this...." or "if you do that one more time..." I had a moment like that yesterday with my middle daughter, and as the warning was coming out of my mouth, I knew I shouldn't be saying it. According, to Leman, you should never threaten or give your child any warnings. But, I just could not stop myself. It was like verbal diarrhea, I just couldn't control it! Other than that, the past few days have gone really well. Though, I must admit that we've been so busy shuffling around from one softball game to the next, that it's hard to really say.
Tonight, I had another incident, again with my middle daughter (I'm sensing a pattern here); I told the girls to brush their teeth and get ready for bed. My middle child proceeded to completely ignore me and putz around the house. I could feel myself growing angry and, again, I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't (or didn't). I yelled at her. She, then, gave me a look and stomped off to her room. I knew I shouldn't, but I followed her in there and started to lecture her. In the midst of my lecture, I realized how utterly stupid I was being. She wasn't listening to a damn thing I was saying, and I knew it. I slunk out of the room feeling like I was right back at square one.
I sat and thought for a few minutes and decided that maybe I could salvage things a bit. Maybe the situation wasn't totally beyond repair. So, I went back into my daughter's room and apologized for yelling at her. I explained to her how she made me feel when she didn't listen to me. And, ya know what? I think she finally was really listening to me. I kissed her goodnight. And, she said, "I love you, Mom."
This made me feel good. I am human, and I will mess up. But, I have a newfound confidence now in knowing that if I fail to follow through with Leman's teachings sometimes, it doesn't mean that I am a failure as a Mom. And, my kids don't love me any less for it. And, like they say in rehab (not that I've ever been): "One day at a time."
Tonight, I had another incident, again with my middle daughter (I'm sensing a pattern here); I told the girls to brush their teeth and get ready for bed. My middle child proceeded to completely ignore me and putz around the house. I could feel myself growing angry and, again, I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't (or didn't). I yelled at her. She, then, gave me a look and stomped off to her room. I knew I shouldn't, but I followed her in there and started to lecture her. In the midst of my lecture, I realized how utterly stupid I was being. She wasn't listening to a damn thing I was saying, and I knew it. I slunk out of the room feeling like I was right back at square one.
I sat and thought for a few minutes and decided that maybe I could salvage things a bit. Maybe the situation wasn't totally beyond repair. So, I went back into my daughter's room and apologized for yelling at her. I explained to her how she made me feel when she didn't listen to me. And, ya know what? I think she finally was really listening to me. I kissed her goodnight. And, she said, "I love you, Mom."
This made me feel good. I am human, and I will mess up. But, I have a newfound confidence now in knowing that if I fail to follow through with Leman's teachings sometimes, it doesn't mean that I am a failure as a Mom. And, my kids don't love me any less for it. And, like they say in rehab (not that I've ever been): "One day at a time."
Sunday, May 2, 2010
A New Kid, Day 5
Well, today is supposed to be the last day, Fun Day, as Dr. Leman calls it. But, I gotta tell ya, today feels more like the first day than the last day. This past week, I've been reading (and rereading) the book and trying my best to follow the techniques as prescribed. And, yes, I've had much success. But, no, I don't feel like I have "new kids," and, ya know what? That's okay. I feel like I have learned a lot and now have the tools I need to become a more effective parent and to begin enjoying family life a lot more. So, to the esteemed Dr. Leman I'd like to say, thank you for this book and for the wonderful ideas withing, but do not pretend that you can generate a new brand of child in five measly days. However, what you can do, and what you did for me, was give me the confidence and the guidance to make positive changes in my kids, and more importantly, in myself.
For Friday, Leman just asks parents to review the principles and think of the changes that you want to make. Done, and done. Now, he says, "get ready, get set, go!" See, I think, even he knows that the last day isn't really the last day--it's the first day!
At the end of the book, Dr. Leman lists several different issues that parents face from allowance to sibling rivalry and gives his advice on how to handle such situations. I will be looking at each of these (or at least the ones that apply to me), and I will try them out and let you know how it goes. So, let's begin...
For Friday, Leman just asks parents to review the principles and think of the changes that you want to make. Done, and done. Now, he says, "get ready, get set, go!" See, I think, even he knows that the last day isn't really the last day--it's the first day!
At the end of the book, Dr. Leman lists several different issues that parents face from allowance to sibling rivalry and gives his advice on how to handle such situations. I will be looking at each of these (or at least the ones that apply to me), and I will try them out and let you know how it goes. So, let's begin...
Saturday, May 1, 2010
A New Kid, Day 4
For Thursday (Saturday), Leman's asks parents to consider how they can show their child unconditional acceptance and how parents can emphasize belonging in the family.
---I have to say that in this area, I don't think I am in need of much improvement. I know that sounds a bit conceited, but I do think it's true. Leman says that kids need to feel like they belong as part of the family and suggests that parents can instill this sense of belonging by listening to their kids opinions and by giving the some input in decision-making. I do these things already and then some. My girls are kids of divorce and, as such, have gone through a lot of changes in their short little lives. Further, they now have a new stepdad, and, thus, we have become a new family. Because of this fact, I am always aware of their need to belong and to feel accepted. I know that they need to feel like they belong in this new family, and, further, I have tried to make them feel like that have had an important part in creating it. We have family game nights, movie nights, and outings, and the girls are able to make some decisions in respect to what we play on family games nights or what movie we watch, or, even how we spend our Saturday together.
Lehman asks parents, "In what ways can you spur your child on to Competence?"
---Again, I think I am doing this pretty well in my family. The girls have chores and this sense of responsibility will lead to Competence. Further, I make sure to notice when the girls do something around the house or otherwise without being asked.
Finally, Leman asks parents to think about the difference between praise and encouragement and asks parents to think about an encouraging thing to say to her child today.
---Basically, praise compliments the person while encouragement compliments the act. Today, Isabelle played catcher at her softball game. Her throws were spot-on and, overall, she did a great job. After the game, I told her that I thought she did a great job, and I pointed out to her that all that practice with her team and with me and Zoe in the backyard really paid off. I think now she realizes what becomes of hard work and will continue to work hard, and more importantly, will want to.
Day Four Outcome:
Today was a huge success! We spent almost the whole day at the fields. Each of the girls had a game today, one right after the other. This gave us the opportunity to support the daughter/sister playing in the game together as a family. In the midst of Izzy's game, Peyton wanted to go play on the playground, but I reminded her that we are a family and that we support each other. Zoe and Isabelle did a great job of supporting each other today. They cheered for each other and Zoe gave Isabelle some pointers and a whole lot of encouragement. I was a very proud Mama today!
---I have to say that in this area, I don't think I am in need of much improvement. I know that sounds a bit conceited, but I do think it's true. Leman says that kids need to feel like they belong as part of the family and suggests that parents can instill this sense of belonging by listening to their kids opinions and by giving the some input in decision-making. I do these things already and then some. My girls are kids of divorce and, as such, have gone through a lot of changes in their short little lives. Further, they now have a new stepdad, and, thus, we have become a new family. Because of this fact, I am always aware of their need to belong and to feel accepted. I know that they need to feel like they belong in this new family, and, further, I have tried to make them feel like that have had an important part in creating it. We have family game nights, movie nights, and outings, and the girls are able to make some decisions in respect to what we play on family games nights or what movie we watch, or, even how we spend our Saturday together.
Lehman asks parents, "In what ways can you spur your child on to Competence?"
---Again, I think I am doing this pretty well in my family. The girls have chores and this sense of responsibility will lead to Competence. Further, I make sure to notice when the girls do something around the house or otherwise without being asked.
Finally, Leman asks parents to think about the difference between praise and encouragement and asks parents to think about an encouraging thing to say to her child today.
---Basically, praise compliments the person while encouragement compliments the act. Today, Isabelle played catcher at her softball game. Her throws were spot-on and, overall, she did a great job. After the game, I told her that I thought she did a great job, and I pointed out to her that all that practice with her team and with me and Zoe in the backyard really paid off. I think now she realizes what becomes of hard work and will continue to work hard, and more importantly, will want to.
Day Four Outcome:
Today was a huge success! We spent almost the whole day at the fields. Each of the girls had a game today, one right after the other. This gave us the opportunity to support the daughter/sister playing in the game together as a family. In the midst of Izzy's game, Peyton wanted to go play on the playground, but I reminded her that we are a family and that we support each other. Zoe and Isabelle did a great job of supporting each other today. They cheered for each other and Zoe gave Isabelle some pointers and a whole lot of encouragement. I was a very proud Mama today!
Friday, April 30, 2010
A New Kid, Day 3
For Wednesday, or in my case, Friday, Dr. Lehman asks, "What kind of parenting style do you have? How does your child respond to this parenting style?" The two parenting styles outlined in the book are permissive and authoritarian. Looking at the two styles, I cannot say that I am one or the other. I can see myself in both examples. This can't be good! I must really be sending mixed messages to my kids! Ugh! I know that I need to let my five year old do more things on her own, like pick out her own clothes for school, pour her own juice, and so forth. I also need to be more consistent. And, say what I mean and mean what I say.
As for how my children respond to this style, sometimes they respond well, sometimes they don't. That's the major problem here, I haven't found a style that seems to work all the time, or, at least, most of the time.
Lehman also asks, "How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?" I can respect my children enough to allow them some freedoms and choices. Further, I can stop the yelling, while still sticking to my guns. I need to make sure the punishment fits the crime, so to speak, and that it is swift and consistent each time.
Finally, Lehman asks, "In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?" The first thing would be to set aside some more family time that doesn't involve running from one sports practice/game to the next. Another way to emphasize relationship is to model respect and love by the way my husband and I treat it each other and those around us. Also, I need to be sure to talk to my kids, not just ask them questions.
Day Three Outcome:
Today went pretty well. Zoe came home from school in a grumpy attitude, but I didn't let it fly. I told her once not to be unkind to her sister, I walked away and expected her to listen. She did. The girls brought home report cards and I made sure to encourage their efforts and not just praise them for getting good grades. I made sure to point out how their hard work had paid off. I feel pretty good about today.
As for how my children respond to this style, sometimes they respond well, sometimes they don't. That's the major problem here, I haven't found a style that seems to work all the time, or, at least, most of the time.
Lehman also asks, "How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?" I can respect my children enough to allow them some freedoms and choices. Further, I can stop the yelling, while still sticking to my guns. I need to make sure the punishment fits the crime, so to speak, and that it is swift and consistent each time.
Finally, Lehman asks, "In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?" The first thing would be to set aside some more family time that doesn't involve running from one sports practice/game to the next. Another way to emphasize relationship is to model respect and love by the way my husband and I treat it each other and those around us. Also, I need to be sure to talk to my kids, not just ask them questions.
Day Three Outcome:
Today went pretty well. Zoe came home from school in a grumpy attitude, but I didn't let it fly. I told her once not to be unkind to her sister, I walked away and expected her to listen. She did. The girls brought home report cards and I made sure to encourage their efforts and not just praise them for getting good grades. I made sure to point out how their hard work had paid off. I feel pretty good about today.
Being a Good Sport
Being a Good Sport
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/24/2010
Softball season has started, and my weekdays and weekends are filled with practices and games. I have three girls and each of them is in a different level of softball from t-ball to junior softball. The schedule is crazy, but the girls have so much fun and are learning a lot about the game and teamwork that it is worth it to me. The only thing that I wonder is the motivations of some of the parents. That is, why do we sign our kids up for sports? Because we want them to play or because they want to?
No matter what your child's sport is: baseball, softball, football, soccer and so on, be sure that he is playing for the right reason. I have seen many a little girl throughout my years as a softball mom who had no business being on the field. The reason being that she didn't want to be. Her parents for whatever reason signed her up, and she had no interest in the game or desire to play. I have watched as the parents of such girls push their little champ until she gets upset. Then, the parent gets upset, and nobody wins. Not the parents, not the child, and certainly not the team. So, if your child does not want to play, don't force her. There is no lesson to be learned there. Find something else that peaks her interest.
When supporting your child's sports activities, remember that the main objective is for your child to have fun, and hopefully learn the values of teamwork and competition. Not everyone can be a superstar, and you mustn't put too much pressure on your child. Putting undue pressure on them sucks all the fun out of it. Not only that, it makes the child nervous and may negatively affect his self-esteem if he feels like he cannot live up to your high expectations.
If your child strikes out or the team loses, so what! As long as he had fun playing, your job is done. Be a good sport; this is a valuable lesson to pass on to your child.
Finally, do not be one of those parents who feels that her kid is the best and should start every game and who gets upset when the coach puts her on the bench or out in the outfield.
The coach's job is to teach the fundamentals of the game and to give every kid a chance. If your child really is that good, when he gets older, he will spend little time on the bench and will have the chance to showcase his talents—like when he's in high school, not Little League.
To recap, sports are fun and putting your child in a sport can be very rewarding for you and for your child. Just remember that you need to sign her up for the right sport, the one she is interested in. She should play for herself, not for you. Likewise, keep the pressure off. Let her have fun, learn the game and watch her blossom!
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/24/2010
Softball season has started, and my weekdays and weekends are filled with practices and games. I have three girls and each of them is in a different level of softball from t-ball to junior softball. The schedule is crazy, but the girls have so much fun and are learning a lot about the game and teamwork that it is worth it to me. The only thing that I wonder is the motivations of some of the parents. That is, why do we sign our kids up for sports? Because we want them to play or because they want to?
No matter what your child's sport is: baseball, softball, football, soccer and so on, be sure that he is playing for the right reason. I have seen many a little girl throughout my years as a softball mom who had no business being on the field. The reason being that she didn't want to be. Her parents for whatever reason signed her up, and she had no interest in the game or desire to play. I have watched as the parents of such girls push their little champ until she gets upset. Then, the parent gets upset, and nobody wins. Not the parents, not the child, and certainly not the team. So, if your child does not want to play, don't force her. There is no lesson to be learned there. Find something else that peaks her interest.
When supporting your child's sports activities, remember that the main objective is for your child to have fun, and hopefully learn the values of teamwork and competition. Not everyone can be a superstar, and you mustn't put too much pressure on your child. Putting undue pressure on them sucks all the fun out of it. Not only that, it makes the child nervous and may negatively affect his self-esteem if he feels like he cannot live up to your high expectations.
If your child strikes out or the team loses, so what! As long as he had fun playing, your job is done. Be a good sport; this is a valuable lesson to pass on to your child.
Finally, do not be one of those parents who feels that her kid is the best and should start every game and who gets upset when the coach puts her on the bench or out in the outfield.
The coach's job is to teach the fundamentals of the game and to give every kid a chance. If your child really is that good, when he gets older, he will spend little time on the bench and will have the chance to showcase his talents—like when he's in high school, not Little League.
To recap, sports are fun and putting your child in a sport can be very rewarding for you and for your child. Just remember that you need to sign her up for the right sport, the one she is interested in. She should play for herself, not for you. Likewise, keep the pressure off. Let her have fun, learn the game and watch her blossom!
Beyond Stranger Danger
Beyond Stranger Danger
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/17/2010
Upon discovering that my eleven year old daughter was getting up in the wee hours of the morning and logging on to Facebook, my husband and I decided to deactivate her account and change the e-mail address the account was linked to so she could not get back in. We had already deactivated it before this, but she figured out a way to get her account reactivated by having a new password sent to her e-mail address. We figured this out, finally, and, hopefully, have put a stop to early morning Facebook use. During this ordeal, we also discovered that she was friends with an astonishing number of older teenage kids and had several pending friend requests for individuals that she did not even know. Further, there were several inappropriate posts on her page made by her so-called friends. My daughter failed to see that having friends on Facebook that you don't know in real life is dangerous. We had tried to explain this to her before we allowed her to open a Facebook account, but, apparently, she hadn't gotten the message. There was a clear disconnect here.
I have two younger daughters and, although they are much to young to have a Facebook account, we felt that the message we wanted to convey to our oldest daughter was applicable to our younger two daughters, as well. We explained that there are bad people who lurk on Facebook and other social networking sites and pose as young kids to try and find young kids and possibly do harm to them. We explained that it is very easy to pretend that you are a fifteen year old girl when really you are an adult man. We further explained that posting pictures of yourself and describing things in your life, like playing in a softball game or going to a specific school, makes it all the more easy for a bad person to find you if he wants to. I think my oldest finally got it. She is no longer allowed to have a Facebook account at all until she's older; we are not taking any chances.
As my younger two daughters sat and listened to this, I could see that they were a little concerned but mostly confused since they have little experience with the Internet, let alone Facebook. We conveyed to them that a child always needs to be aware of her surroundings and must never go anywhere or even talk to a stranger for any reason. We discussed a few scenarios and asks the girls to tell us what they would do in certain situations. To my great relief, they seemed to know. We made a point to tell them that they should never accept a ride or go anywhere even with an adult that they know like a teacher or a coach, unless Mommy or Daddy say it's okay. Unfortunately, you never know.
A little while after the discussion, my five year old came up to me crying a little and told me that she was scared about what we were talking about. I felt a little bad, but I would rather her be a little scared than gone. I assuaged her fears by explaining that I was almost always with her, so she was safe. And the times when I wasn't, like at school, as long as she remembered what we had told her she was safe. She stopped crying, smiled, said “okay” and went off to play. It makes me a little sad that a five year old has to live life with a little fear, but we cannot deny the world we live in.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/17/2010
Upon discovering that my eleven year old daughter was getting up in the wee hours of the morning and logging on to Facebook, my husband and I decided to deactivate her account and change the e-mail address the account was linked to so she could not get back in. We had already deactivated it before this, but she figured out a way to get her account reactivated by having a new password sent to her e-mail address. We figured this out, finally, and, hopefully, have put a stop to early morning Facebook use. During this ordeal, we also discovered that she was friends with an astonishing number of older teenage kids and had several pending friend requests for individuals that she did not even know. Further, there were several inappropriate posts on her page made by her so-called friends. My daughter failed to see that having friends on Facebook that you don't know in real life is dangerous. We had tried to explain this to her before we allowed her to open a Facebook account, but, apparently, she hadn't gotten the message. There was a clear disconnect here.
I have two younger daughters and, although they are much to young to have a Facebook account, we felt that the message we wanted to convey to our oldest daughter was applicable to our younger two daughters, as well. We explained that there are bad people who lurk on Facebook and other social networking sites and pose as young kids to try and find young kids and possibly do harm to them. We explained that it is very easy to pretend that you are a fifteen year old girl when really you are an adult man. We further explained that posting pictures of yourself and describing things in your life, like playing in a softball game or going to a specific school, makes it all the more easy for a bad person to find you if he wants to. I think my oldest finally got it. She is no longer allowed to have a Facebook account at all until she's older; we are not taking any chances.
As my younger two daughters sat and listened to this, I could see that they were a little concerned but mostly confused since they have little experience with the Internet, let alone Facebook. We conveyed to them that a child always needs to be aware of her surroundings and must never go anywhere or even talk to a stranger for any reason. We discussed a few scenarios and asks the girls to tell us what they would do in certain situations. To my great relief, they seemed to know. We made a point to tell them that they should never accept a ride or go anywhere even with an adult that they know like a teacher or a coach, unless Mommy or Daddy say it's okay. Unfortunately, you never know.
A little while after the discussion, my five year old came up to me crying a little and told me that she was scared about what we were talking about. I felt a little bad, but I would rather her be a little scared than gone. I assuaged her fears by explaining that I was almost always with her, so she was safe. And the times when I wasn't, like at school, as long as she remembered what we had told her she was safe. She stopped crying, smiled, said “okay” and went off to play. It makes me a little sad that a five year old has to live life with a little fear, but we cannot deny the world we live in.
Big Kid Bed
Time for a Big Kid Bed?
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/10/10
Now that your baby is a toddler, is it time for a big kid bed? A big kid bed can be a toddler bed, a twin mattress on the floor or even a twin/full size bed with a rail. But, how do you know when your toddler is ready to leave her crib? There are a few signs to look for that may indicate that your toddler is ready to ditch the crib.
First, the most obvious sign is climbing. If your toddler can or has tried to climb out of his crib, it is time to move him to a big kid bed. Climbing the rails or climbing out of the crib and falling can lead to serious injury. So, if your little one has turned monkey, get her out of the crib!
If your child is potty trained or potty training, it's time to leave the crib. Simply, for the reason that if she has to go potty during nap or bed time, she must be able to get out and get to the potty quickly!
Most parents transition their toddlers to big kid beds between the ages of 11/2 and 3 years old. It really depends on you and your child. Some toddlers are ready at 18 mos., and some kids are happy to stay in their cribs until their potty trained. If you think your child is ready for the transition, there are a few things to consider to help ease him into the big boy bed.
First, if you can take him with your to either pick out the bed or pick out the bedding to put on it. If you aren't buying anything new, let him be there when you put it up, and act super excited about it. Place the new bed, if you can, in the same spot that the crib previously occupied. These steps should help him feel safe and secure and happy about his new bed.
Secondly, be sure that you have a guard rail if you are using a bed that is off the ground. Toddlers can be very active in their sleep and you don't want them to fall out and get hurt! Also, in the vein of safety, install a baby gate at the door to your child's room. Since he can get in and out of bed on his own now, you don't want him to wander out of his room and possibly get hurt in the middle of the night. For the same reason, make sure his room is completely baby-proofed, so if he gets out and plays, he won't get hurt.
Last thought, moving to a big kid bed is a big deal for your toddler..and for you. Make sure you are both ready. Don't worry yourself sick over it or try to push your toddler into a big boy bed if he is not ready to go. Patience, Mom.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 4/10/10
Now that your baby is a toddler, is it time for a big kid bed? A big kid bed can be a toddler bed, a twin mattress on the floor or even a twin/full size bed with a rail. But, how do you know when your toddler is ready to leave her crib? There are a few signs to look for that may indicate that your toddler is ready to ditch the crib.
First, the most obvious sign is climbing. If your toddler can or has tried to climb out of his crib, it is time to move him to a big kid bed. Climbing the rails or climbing out of the crib and falling can lead to serious injury. So, if your little one has turned monkey, get her out of the crib!
If your child is potty trained or potty training, it's time to leave the crib. Simply, for the reason that if she has to go potty during nap or bed time, she must be able to get out and get to the potty quickly!
Most parents transition their toddlers to big kid beds between the ages of 11/2 and 3 years old. It really depends on you and your child. Some toddlers are ready at 18 mos., and some kids are happy to stay in their cribs until their potty trained. If you think your child is ready for the transition, there are a few things to consider to help ease him into the big boy bed.
First, if you can take him with your to either pick out the bed or pick out the bedding to put on it. If you aren't buying anything new, let him be there when you put it up, and act super excited about it. Place the new bed, if you can, in the same spot that the crib previously occupied. These steps should help him feel safe and secure and happy about his new bed.
Secondly, be sure that you have a guard rail if you are using a bed that is off the ground. Toddlers can be very active in their sleep and you don't want them to fall out and get hurt! Also, in the vein of safety, install a baby gate at the door to your child's room. Since he can get in and out of bed on his own now, you don't want him to wander out of his room and possibly get hurt in the middle of the night. For the same reason, make sure his room is completely baby-proofed, so if he gets out and plays, he won't get hurt.
Last thought, moving to a big kid bed is a big deal for your toddler..and for you. Make sure you are both ready. Don't worry yourself sick over it or try to push your toddler into a big boy bed if he is not ready to go. Patience, Mom.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
A New Kid, Day Two
Well, this morning, I made the mistake of telling my child do brush her hair more than once. I ignored Leman's, principle of "say it once, turn your back and walk away." I knew better; I just couldn't let it go. I didn't want my daughter to go to school looking like she just rolled out of bed. So, I reminded her to brush her hair more than once, and I was treated to exaggerated sighs, grumbles, and an eye roll. Dammit! I know better! Say it once, turn your back and walk away! I will do better next time...
For Tuesday, or in my case, Thursday, Dr. Lehman asks, "What is your attitude towards your kids? How does your behavior reveal your attitude?" My attitude towards my kids is generally one of acceptance; however, I tend to get impatient with them and react rather than respond to some of their transgressions. I raise my voice too much and this behavior conveys a negative attitude, which, in turn, helps to foster a negative attitude in my children.
Dr. Lehman asks, "What changes do you need to make in your behavior toward your children?" First, I need to respond rather than react. If Peyton yells at Tommy, I need to respond by calming telling her not to yell and, then, calming disciplining her if she fails to listen. What I do not need to do is react to her yelling by yelling! Duh! Furthermore, I need to stick to my guns. That is, as Dr. Lehman puts it, "B cannot happen until A is completed." For example, if I ask Isabelle to put away her clothes, and she fails to do so, I do not take her to softball practice until it's done, even if we end up being late...A must be completed, before B happens. This is a hard one to stick to, but I think it is one of the most important principles Dr. Leman teaches in the book.
Finally, Dr. Lehman asks, "What kind of character do you want to be known for? How can you get there?" I obviously want to be known as a person of good character. That is, someone who is dependable, honest, courageous, and kind. So, I must be all of these things, not just for myself but for my children. Afterall, character is most important for parents; the ultimate goal of any parent is to raise thoughtful, hardworking, honest children who will become thoughtful, hardworking, honest adults.
Day Two Outcome:
I continued to use (mostly), Leman's "say it once, turn your back and walk away" technique today with some success. I did fall back into old habits a few times and "get after" the girls to do something that I had asked. I feel a little bad about that, but, at the same time, I feel good that I now recognize the habit and am working to change. Further, I realized today that, sometimes, due to tiredness and/or frustration that I am sometimes short with the kids and am coming across as such. I can now see this attitude mirrored in the girls. This I must change.
Overall, I consider today a success. I am looking forward to tomorrow, though, I must admit I am looking forward with a little trepidation because this is not easy. But, I know that it's worth it.
For Tuesday, or in my case, Thursday, Dr. Lehman asks, "What is your attitude towards your kids? How does your behavior reveal your attitude?" My attitude towards my kids is generally one of acceptance; however, I tend to get impatient with them and react rather than respond to some of their transgressions. I raise my voice too much and this behavior conveys a negative attitude, which, in turn, helps to foster a negative attitude in my children.
Dr. Lehman asks, "What changes do you need to make in your behavior toward your children?" First, I need to respond rather than react. If Peyton yells at Tommy, I need to respond by calming telling her not to yell and, then, calming disciplining her if she fails to listen. What I do not need to do is react to her yelling by yelling! Duh! Furthermore, I need to stick to my guns. That is, as Dr. Lehman puts it, "B cannot happen until A is completed." For example, if I ask Isabelle to put away her clothes, and she fails to do so, I do not take her to softball practice until it's done, even if we end up being late...A must be completed, before B happens. This is a hard one to stick to, but I think it is one of the most important principles Dr. Leman teaches in the book.
Finally, Dr. Lehman asks, "What kind of character do you want to be known for? How can you get there?" I obviously want to be known as a person of good character. That is, someone who is dependable, honest, courageous, and kind. So, I must be all of these things, not just for myself but for my children. Afterall, character is most important for parents; the ultimate goal of any parent is to raise thoughtful, hardworking, honest children who will become thoughtful, hardworking, honest adults.
Day Two Outcome:
I continued to use (mostly), Leman's "say it once, turn your back and walk away" technique today with some success. I did fall back into old habits a few times and "get after" the girls to do something that I had asked. I feel a little bad about that, but, at the same time, I feel good that I now recognize the habit and am working to change. Further, I realized today that, sometimes, due to tiredness and/or frustration that I am sometimes short with the kids and am coming across as such. I can now see this attitude mirrored in the girls. This I must change.
Overall, I consider today a success. I am looking forward to tomorrow, though, I must admit I am looking forward with a little trepidation because this is not easy. But, I know that it's worth it.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
A New Kid, Day One
In the hopes to change the attitudes of my children, particularly my oldest child, a mouthy 11 year old, I am reading Dr. Kevin Lemam's book, Have a New Kid by Friday and putting his strategies into practice. Dr. Lehman's approach is a five-day program that designed to begin on Monday and guarantees a "new kid" by Friday. As today is Wednesday, I guess I will see my new kid emerge on Sunday.
On Monday, the parent is supposed to observe what is going on in the house and decide what areas in your relationship with your child really bother you. Further, the parent is instructed to think about the things she wants to change.
--In my house there is entirely too much fighting among the girls, particularly my oldest two, ages 11 and 8. Furthermore, I feel that my 11 year old does not respect me. She doesn't listen, she talks back. And I feel that I am somehow failing her and that she will not "turn out" the way I envisioned. I feel that my relationship with her is strained, and I don't always know how to effectively communicate with her.
I would like to have less fighting and yelling in my house. I would like my kids to respect me and do what I say the first time. I would like them to be kinder to each other.
Monday also calls for committing to taking the bull by the horns and expecting great things to happen.
--I am ready.
Day One outcome:
In the book, Leman talk's about reality disciplining, which basically means doing nothing and letting the child learn the hard way. For example, instead of reminding your child over and over to do her homework, let her suffer the real-life consequences of not getting it done (lowered grade, scolding from the teacher).
I tried this today with my girls. It seems that every morning I am constantly chasing after them to get ready for school. I usually remind them of the time, over and over, so they won't miss the bus. This technique generally results in complaining and makes an unpleasant morning for all. Also, I inspect my daughter's room in the morning, and give them a score based on the room's cleanliness. A passing score earns the girls allowance and TV/Wii time. I usually remind them in the morning, and, again, chase after them in order for them to get it done before the bus comes. Not this morning, this morning, I said nothing. I woke them up cheerfully and had breakfast with them. I said nothing about the time, and, ya know what? They were ready with time to spare! They did not, however, manage to clean their room. This resulted in a 0, which means no TV, no Wii, Gameboy, etc. When they arrived home and asked to watch TV, I calmly said no because they failed room inspection. Then, I turned my back and began preparing dinner. This is another of Leman's techniques: "say it once, turn your back and walk away." I was expecting an argument or whining, but it didn't happen. The girls just accepted the consequences, and we all had a very pleasant evening. Day One was a success!!!
On Monday, the parent is supposed to observe what is going on in the house and decide what areas in your relationship with your child really bother you. Further, the parent is instructed to think about the things she wants to change.
--In my house there is entirely too much fighting among the girls, particularly my oldest two, ages 11 and 8. Furthermore, I feel that my 11 year old does not respect me. She doesn't listen, she talks back. And I feel that I am somehow failing her and that she will not "turn out" the way I envisioned. I feel that my relationship with her is strained, and I don't always know how to effectively communicate with her.
I would like to have less fighting and yelling in my house. I would like my kids to respect me and do what I say the first time. I would like them to be kinder to each other.
Monday also calls for committing to taking the bull by the horns and expecting great things to happen.
--I am ready.
Day One outcome:
In the book, Leman talk's about reality disciplining, which basically means doing nothing and letting the child learn the hard way. For example, instead of reminding your child over and over to do her homework, let her suffer the real-life consequences of not getting it done (lowered grade, scolding from the teacher).
I tried this today with my girls. It seems that every morning I am constantly chasing after them to get ready for school. I usually remind them of the time, over and over, so they won't miss the bus. This technique generally results in complaining and makes an unpleasant morning for all. Also, I inspect my daughter's room in the morning, and give them a score based on the room's cleanliness. A passing score earns the girls allowance and TV/Wii time. I usually remind them in the morning, and, again, chase after them in order for them to get it done before the bus comes. Not this morning, this morning, I said nothing. I woke them up cheerfully and had breakfast with them. I said nothing about the time, and, ya know what? They were ready with time to spare! They did not, however, manage to clean their room. This resulted in a 0, which means no TV, no Wii, Gameboy, etc. When they arrived home and asked to watch TV, I calmly said no because they failed room inspection. Then, I turned my back and began preparing dinner. This is another of Leman's techniques: "say it once, turn your back and walk away." I was expecting an argument or whining, but it didn't happen. The girls just accepted the consequences, and we all had a very pleasant evening. Day One was a success!!!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
A Slice of Humble Pie
A Slice of Humble Pie
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus on Sat, March 27, 2010:
“Go to your room and think about what you did!” At one time or another (probably many times), during the course of motherhood, you've uttered these words to your child watching him stomp up the stairs or down the hall while you contemplate what he did and what you're going to do about it. Chances are you are the only thinking about what what he did. Once in the confines of his room, your child is only really thinking about how mean you are for sending him there and how long it will be before he can come out. So, where's the lesson? If you want your child to learn from his indiscretions and, hopefully, not repeat them, you have to rethink the “go to your room” scenario.
My daughter arrived home from school yesterday with a dreaded note from the teacher. She had misbehaved in school—talking when the teacher was talking and being downright rude to the teacher and to another student. I, of course, was at once angry and embarrassed. I, a school teacher by training, now has a child getting in trouble at school! Now, what? The first thing I did was lecture her about her misbehavior. Then, I sent her to her room. As I sat and thought about it, I realized that this was not enough. I could ground her, but what would this teach her? I could take away the Wii, TV time, and/or the Gameboy, but, again, what would she learn from this?
Then, it hit me! In order for her to fully appreciate the ramifications of her misbehavior, she had to take ownership of it. So, I instructed her to gather two pieces of paper and a pencil and meet me at the kitchen table. I explained to her that I wanted her to write two letters of apology. One to her teacher and one to the student she had been mean to. I told her to be sure to acknowledge her actions, explain why she acted the way she did and apologize for behaving as such. Then, I left her to it.
Once she finished, she showed the letters to me. And, I was pleased to see that she done exactly as asked, and more. She admitted her wrongdoing, explained the faulty thinking that led to her misbehavior, apologized, and, even, asked for forgiveness. After reading the letters, I talked with her about her actions and how they must have made the teacher and the student feel. After this exercise, I felt confident that after owning her actions and undergoing the humbling experience of apologizing, my daughter had learned her lesson. So, the next time your child misbehaves, consider doling out a big slice of humble pie in the form of an apology and make her own her actions.
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus on Sat, March 27, 2010:
“Go to your room and think about what you did!” At one time or another (probably many times), during the course of motherhood, you've uttered these words to your child watching him stomp up the stairs or down the hall while you contemplate what he did and what you're going to do about it. Chances are you are the only thinking about what what he did. Once in the confines of his room, your child is only really thinking about how mean you are for sending him there and how long it will be before he can come out. So, where's the lesson? If you want your child to learn from his indiscretions and, hopefully, not repeat them, you have to rethink the “go to your room” scenario.
My daughter arrived home from school yesterday with a dreaded note from the teacher. She had misbehaved in school—talking when the teacher was talking and being downright rude to the teacher and to another student. I, of course, was at once angry and embarrassed. I, a school teacher by training, now has a child getting in trouble at school! Now, what? The first thing I did was lecture her about her misbehavior. Then, I sent her to her room. As I sat and thought about it, I realized that this was not enough. I could ground her, but what would this teach her? I could take away the Wii, TV time, and/or the Gameboy, but, again, what would she learn from this?
Then, it hit me! In order for her to fully appreciate the ramifications of her misbehavior, she had to take ownership of it. So, I instructed her to gather two pieces of paper and a pencil and meet me at the kitchen table. I explained to her that I wanted her to write two letters of apology. One to her teacher and one to the student she had been mean to. I told her to be sure to acknowledge her actions, explain why she acted the way she did and apologize for behaving as such. Then, I left her to it.
Once she finished, she showed the letters to me. And, I was pleased to see that she done exactly as asked, and more. She admitted her wrongdoing, explained the faulty thinking that led to her misbehavior, apologized, and, even, asked for forgiveness. After reading the letters, I talked with her about her actions and how they must have made the teacher and the student feel. After this exercise, I felt confident that after owning her actions and undergoing the humbling experience of apologizing, my daughter had learned her lesson. So, the next time your child misbehaves, consider doling out a big slice of humble pie in the form of an apology and make her own her actions.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Kids and Movies
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Kids and Movies
By, Michelle Harmon
One of my family's favorite activities to do together is to go see a movie at the local cinema. It seems that more and more families are electing to do so, as well. This is a good thing, but I think that some parents need to reevaluate the purpose of a theater outing. In addition, I have seen young kids too often watching movies that they definitely should not be watching.
The purpose of a family theater outing is to watch a movie together that the whole family will enjoy and that is appropriate for all members of the family. There are usually several family appropriate movies to choose from on any given weekend. I'm sure The Tooth Fairy or Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs wouldn't be your first choice (I know they wouldn't be mine), but these types of movies are appropriate for families and are usually, at least, somewhat funny and enjoyable for the adults in the family. If you want to see an R rated movie, get a sitter and go without your kids. It is not fair to your kids, or to the other people in the theater to bring young kids to a scary or otherwise inappropriate movie. The ratings are there for a reason. This also applies to dropping your older kids off to watch a movie with their friends. If the rating is R, your thirteen or fourteen year old does not belong there. Granted, kids mature at different levels and maybe you feel that your fourteen year old is grown up enough to watch an R rated movie. That is fine—in your own home—not at the theater. Also, in regards to preteens and teens, please make sure you at least go over proper theater etiquette with your kids before you drop them off. Nothing is more annoying that teenage girls giggling through a movie or putting their feet up on my chair!
Further, if you have a baby, he has no business being in the theater at all. Nobody wants to hear a crying baby when they are trying to watch a movie, especially a movie that is not meant for kids. Moreover, is it really worth going to the movies if you have to get up and tend to your crying baby instead of relaxing and watching the movie? I think not. Many theaters have special showings for parents and their babies. If you must take your baby, take him to one of those showings.
Kids and Movies
By, Michelle Harmon
One of my family's favorite activities to do together is to go see a movie at the local cinema. It seems that more and more families are electing to do so, as well. This is a good thing, but I think that some parents need to reevaluate the purpose of a theater outing. In addition, I have seen young kids too often watching movies that they definitely should not be watching.
The purpose of a family theater outing is to watch a movie together that the whole family will enjoy and that is appropriate for all members of the family. There are usually several family appropriate movies to choose from on any given weekend. I'm sure The Tooth Fairy or Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs wouldn't be your first choice (I know they wouldn't be mine), but these types of movies are appropriate for families and are usually, at least, somewhat funny and enjoyable for the adults in the family. If you want to see an R rated movie, get a sitter and go without your kids. It is not fair to your kids, or to the other people in the theater to bring young kids to a scary or otherwise inappropriate movie. The ratings are there for a reason. This also applies to dropping your older kids off to watch a movie with their friends. If the rating is R, your thirteen or fourteen year old does not belong there. Granted, kids mature at different levels and maybe you feel that your fourteen year old is grown up enough to watch an R rated movie. That is fine—in your own home—not at the theater. Also, in regards to preteens and teens, please make sure you at least go over proper theater etiquette with your kids before you drop them off. Nothing is more annoying that teenage girls giggling through a movie or putting their feet up on my chair!
Further, if you have a baby, he has no business being in the theater at all. Nobody wants to hear a crying baby when they are trying to watch a movie, especially a movie that is not meant for kids. Moreover, is it really worth going to the movies if you have to get up and tend to your crying baby instead of relaxing and watching the movie? I think not. Many theaters have special showings for parents and their babies. If you must take your baby, take him to one of those showings.
Choosing the Right Preschool
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Choosing the Right Preschool
By, Michelle Harmon
If you have preschool age children, it is time to start thinking about which preschool you will send them to. And, there is no limit to the options available to you. There are Montessori preschools, half-day preschools, full-day preschools, private, public, and so forth. The task of getting your child enrolled in the “right” preschool is extremely daunting. But, it does not have to be.
Most preschools have open houses, which can be a great way to learn about the school and meet the teachers. Also, any good school will let you come and sit in on a class. Finally, your best resource is other moms. Ask your Mom friends or the Moms in your neighborhood where they sent their kids. Word of mouth, I've always found, is the best way to find a reputable anything—from mechanic to preschool.
Another word of advice, do not stress too much about the curriculum. This is preschool we're talking about, not college. Most preschools have generally the same goals: to teach the ABCs and 123s. And, don't forget fun. You certainly don't want your three or four year old to hate school already because she doesn't get to have any fun! I'd pay more attention to the teacher than the curriculum. If the teacher is, as one of my Mom friends put it, “warm and fuzzy” your child is more likely to feel secure and comfortable and want to learn and play with this teacher. Being hard and strict is certainly not a trait to look for in a preschool teacher. Middle school or high school is a better place for a strict, no nonsense teacher.
Lastly, do not spend a lot of money on preschool. As with most things, just because it costs more does not mean it is better. I learned this lesson the hard way and wasted hundreds of dollars on a preschool that was not any better than the much cheaper one my friends sent their kids to. Bottom line, pick a school that is relatively close to your house, is reasonably priced, and, most importantly, has a warm and fuzzy teacher waiting to welcome your child into the world of learning.
Choosing the Right Preschool
By, Michelle Harmon
If you have preschool age children, it is time to start thinking about which preschool you will send them to. And, there is no limit to the options available to you. There are Montessori preschools, half-day preschools, full-day preschools, private, public, and so forth. The task of getting your child enrolled in the “right” preschool is extremely daunting. But, it does not have to be.
Most preschools have open houses, which can be a great way to learn about the school and meet the teachers. Also, any good school will let you come and sit in on a class. Finally, your best resource is other moms. Ask your Mom friends or the Moms in your neighborhood where they sent their kids. Word of mouth, I've always found, is the best way to find a reputable anything—from mechanic to preschool.
Another word of advice, do not stress too much about the curriculum. This is preschool we're talking about, not college. Most preschools have generally the same goals: to teach the ABCs and 123s. And, don't forget fun. You certainly don't want your three or four year old to hate school already because she doesn't get to have any fun! I'd pay more attention to the teacher than the curriculum. If the teacher is, as one of my Mom friends put it, “warm and fuzzy” your child is more likely to feel secure and comfortable and want to learn and play with this teacher. Being hard and strict is certainly not a trait to look for in a preschool teacher. Middle school or high school is a better place for a strict, no nonsense teacher.
Lastly, do not spend a lot of money on preschool. As with most things, just because it costs more does not mean it is better. I learned this lesson the hard way and wasted hundreds of dollars on a preschool that was not any better than the much cheaper one my friends sent their kids to. Bottom line, pick a school that is relatively close to your house, is reasonably priced, and, most importantly, has a warm and fuzzy teacher waiting to welcome your child into the world of learning.
Learn to be Flexible
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Learn to be Flexible
By, Michelle Harmon
Like any mother of an almost-two-year old, it has occurred to me that I must begin arming myself for one of the many feats of parenting—potty training. Having potty trained three children successfully, and virtually painlessly, I should enter into this realm of parenthood with my youngest toddler holding my head high, confident in the knowledge that I know what to expect, that I can be patient, that potty training is a battle I can win. And yet, I approach the potty training of my son with much trepidation. I have never potty trained a boy before—all my other children are girls!
As is my way with most everything, when I am unsure or I don't know a lot about something, I do two things. First, I hit the books (and the internet) and read up on the topic. I have done that and have learned that boys generally take longer to potty train than girls, they tend to have more accidents than girls, and, yes, you do indeed start them out sitting down on the potty before you try to teach them how to stand and go potty without spraying all over the bathroom. Feeling more informed but not that much more confident, I decided to do the second thing I always do when faced with a parenting obstacle—ask other moms.
After talking to my Mom friends who have potty trained their sons or who are in the midst of doing so, I learned that the information I gleaned from the books and the internet was fairly accurate, though, you always have that one mom in the group who has no trouble at all with potty training or anything else, for that matter (you know the one!). Now, I felt armed with information and comforted by the encouragement of my Mom friends. I decided that I was ready. It was time to purchase the potty chair, the Pull-ups and begin introducing my son to the toilet. My son loves cars, and I found the perfect potty seat—a Cars seat with roads and street signs and cars on it—he would love it! I left the store feeling excitement about commencing potty training. He would be super excited about the potty seat, and I would have no problem getting him to sit on the chair. I was on a total Mom-high when I got home! I could not wait to see my son's face when I pulled out that awesome potty seat!
Once home, I unwrapped the potty seat, thinking it looked even cooler out of the box, and I happily placed the potty seat in the bathroom, knowing that my little man would get such a kick out of this seat that he would have no trouble sitting down on it, and, thus, beginning the potty training! So, called my son into the bathroom. He came toddling in, happy as a clam, that is, until he saw the potty seat. He took one look at it and ran as fast as his little legs would carry him out of the bathroom, crying! I was dumfounded. I brought him back into the bathroom and touched the potty seat, saying, “See, look at the cars! Now you can go potty like a big boy!” My son would have none of it. He cried, “No, bite!” and hid in the corner of the room, eying the potty chair (and me) suspiciously and crying. At a total loss, I scooped him up and took him out of the bathroom. I couldn't believe it! My potty seat dreams were shattered! Where had I gone wrong?! My son thought the chair would bite him! Why on earth did he think that? I have no idea.
After thinking about this incident later, I realized that this episode was just another lesson I had to learn about parenting a toddler. Toddlers are trying to make sense of the world around them and, as they do so, they may act out irrationally, they may even break your heart, but the lesson is that you just have to be flexible. Everybody learns how to go potty, eventually. Just as every toddler eventually will sleep through the night or give up his binky. As a mom, you just have to roll with the punches (and the wails and the screams) and give up a little control. With a toddler, almost nothing goes according to plan. That night, I hid the potty chair and decided to rethink my strategy.
Learn to be Flexible
By, Michelle Harmon
Like any mother of an almost-two-year old, it has occurred to me that I must begin arming myself for one of the many feats of parenting—potty training. Having potty trained three children successfully, and virtually painlessly, I should enter into this realm of parenthood with my youngest toddler holding my head high, confident in the knowledge that I know what to expect, that I can be patient, that potty training is a battle I can win. And yet, I approach the potty training of my son with much trepidation. I have never potty trained a boy before—all my other children are girls!
As is my way with most everything, when I am unsure or I don't know a lot about something, I do two things. First, I hit the books (and the internet) and read up on the topic. I have done that and have learned that boys generally take longer to potty train than girls, they tend to have more accidents than girls, and, yes, you do indeed start them out sitting down on the potty before you try to teach them how to stand and go potty without spraying all over the bathroom. Feeling more informed but not that much more confident, I decided to do the second thing I always do when faced with a parenting obstacle—ask other moms.
After talking to my Mom friends who have potty trained their sons or who are in the midst of doing so, I learned that the information I gleaned from the books and the internet was fairly accurate, though, you always have that one mom in the group who has no trouble at all with potty training or anything else, for that matter (you know the one!). Now, I felt armed with information and comforted by the encouragement of my Mom friends. I decided that I was ready. It was time to purchase the potty chair, the Pull-ups and begin introducing my son to the toilet. My son loves cars, and I found the perfect potty seat—a Cars seat with roads and street signs and cars on it—he would love it! I left the store feeling excitement about commencing potty training. He would be super excited about the potty seat, and I would have no problem getting him to sit on the chair. I was on a total Mom-high when I got home! I could not wait to see my son's face when I pulled out that awesome potty seat!
Once home, I unwrapped the potty seat, thinking it looked even cooler out of the box, and I happily placed the potty seat in the bathroom, knowing that my little man would get such a kick out of this seat that he would have no trouble sitting down on it, and, thus, beginning the potty training! So, called my son into the bathroom. He came toddling in, happy as a clam, that is, until he saw the potty seat. He took one look at it and ran as fast as his little legs would carry him out of the bathroom, crying! I was dumfounded. I brought him back into the bathroom and touched the potty seat, saying, “See, look at the cars! Now you can go potty like a big boy!” My son would have none of it. He cried, “No, bite!” and hid in the corner of the room, eying the potty chair (and me) suspiciously and crying. At a total loss, I scooped him up and took him out of the bathroom. I couldn't believe it! My potty seat dreams were shattered! Where had I gone wrong?! My son thought the chair would bite him! Why on earth did he think that? I have no idea.
After thinking about this incident later, I realized that this episode was just another lesson I had to learn about parenting a toddler. Toddlers are trying to make sense of the world around them and, as they do so, they may act out irrationally, they may even break your heart, but the lesson is that you just have to be flexible. Everybody learns how to go potty, eventually. Just as every toddler eventually will sleep through the night or give up his binky. As a mom, you just have to roll with the punches (and the wails and the screams) and give up a little control. With a toddler, almost nothing goes according to plan. That night, I hid the potty chair and decided to rethink my strategy.
Just Say No
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Just Say No
By, Michelle Harmon
Snacks for playdate, plan sister's baby shower, cookies for church bake sale, make eye doctor appointment for hubby, son's basketball games Tuesday and Thursday, basketball practice till 5, daughter's ballet on Wednesday and Friday, parent-teacher meeting Thursday, grocery store, meeting on Tuesday, and the list goes on and on. The above looks like a typical week in the life of a busy mom. How do we ever manage it all?
While talking with my Mom friends at a recent playdate, one of the moms confessed, “I have so many things going on this week, that I almost canceled today, but my daughter was so excited to come, that I didn't.” The rest of us moms mumbled and nodded in agreement. We all had too much on our plates, and yet, we still kept right on filling them. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?
I think, as women, we have an innate desire to please others. We are born nurturers, and we feel it our duty to make those around us feel happy. This explains the things we do for our kids and husbands, but what about everybody else? Unfortunately, I think most women care to much what others think and are afraid of being judged by others, especially by other women. If I go to the playdate, will they think I'm being antisocial or a bad mom? If I don't bake cookies for the bake sale, will they think I don't care? We have to stop this way of thinking and realize that if you don't bake cookies for the bake sale, someone else will, and, you know what? That's OK. If you miss one playdate or birthday party, your kid will survive and so will you.
Practice saying no. The next time you are asked to attend an event or to bake something or any other chore of the sort, just say no. It will be hard, at first, but then the relief will set in. You will be able to do the things that you really need to do and maybe even some of the things you want to do and not feel like you're just going through the motions. Don't you ever get tired of feeling like you're on autopilot? Take back the controls, Mom. Just say no.
Just Say No
By, Michelle Harmon
Snacks for playdate, plan sister's baby shower, cookies for church bake sale, make eye doctor appointment for hubby, son's basketball games Tuesday and Thursday, basketball practice till 5, daughter's ballet on Wednesday and Friday, parent-teacher meeting Thursday, grocery store, meeting on Tuesday, and the list goes on and on. The above looks like a typical week in the life of a busy mom. How do we ever manage it all?
While talking with my Mom friends at a recent playdate, one of the moms confessed, “I have so many things going on this week, that I almost canceled today, but my daughter was so excited to come, that I didn't.” The rest of us moms mumbled and nodded in agreement. We all had too much on our plates, and yet, we still kept right on filling them. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?
I think, as women, we have an innate desire to please others. We are born nurturers, and we feel it our duty to make those around us feel happy. This explains the things we do for our kids and husbands, but what about everybody else? Unfortunately, I think most women care to much what others think and are afraid of being judged by others, especially by other women. If I go to the playdate, will they think I'm being antisocial or a bad mom? If I don't bake cookies for the bake sale, will they think I don't care? We have to stop this way of thinking and realize that if you don't bake cookies for the bake sale, someone else will, and, you know what? That's OK. If you miss one playdate or birthday party, your kid will survive and so will you.
Practice saying no. The next time you are asked to attend an event or to bake something or any other chore of the sort, just say no. It will be hard, at first, but then the relief will set in. You will be able to do the things that you really need to do and maybe even some of the things you want to do and not feel like you're just going through the motions. Don't you ever get tired of feeling like you're on autopilot? Take back the controls, Mom. Just say no.
Pick your Battles
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Pick Your Battles
By, Michelle Harmon
I've often heard the expression, “pick your battles” when it comes to dealing with coworkers, when dealing with students (I've been a teacher for ten years), and even when dealing with your spouse. It only occurred to me that other day that this little gem is a wonderful rule of thumb when dealing with your kids—especially preteens and teenagers!
My eleven year old is entering that phase of life that—when I recall my experiences at her age---I cringe. She has recently started to wake up early to straighten her hair before school and wants to wear make up. She is starting to develop physically and wants to be treated more grown up. She wants a Facebook account and a cell phone (YIKES!), and, yet, she always leaves wet towels on the floor and never remembers to clean her room. How do I get through to her?
I have found that if I get on her about every little thing, she closes up and won't talk to me and she acts like she hates me! I remember this. I remember that, at this age, everything is a big deal. So, in her pubescent mind, when I am getting on her for not picking up her room, or hanging up her coat or cleaning up the dishes, I am really saying that she is a huge disappointment. Of course, I don't really think that. But, the point is, this is how I am coming across to my daughter when I choose to go to battle with her over the slightest of errors.
So, next time I notice the towels on the floor, I won't yell and make her come and scoop them up. I'll pick them up myself, and mention to her that I have done so. That way, she realizes her transgression, but she doesn't feel attacked. I will continue to pick my battles. First on the agenda: a cell phone! Not on her life!
Pick Your Battles
By, Michelle Harmon
I've often heard the expression, “pick your battles” when it comes to dealing with coworkers, when dealing with students (I've been a teacher for ten years), and even when dealing with your spouse. It only occurred to me that other day that this little gem is a wonderful rule of thumb when dealing with your kids—especially preteens and teenagers!
My eleven year old is entering that phase of life that—when I recall my experiences at her age---I cringe. She has recently started to wake up early to straighten her hair before school and wants to wear make up. She is starting to develop physically and wants to be treated more grown up. She wants a Facebook account and a cell phone (YIKES!), and, yet, she always leaves wet towels on the floor and never remembers to clean her room. How do I get through to her?
I have found that if I get on her about every little thing, she closes up and won't talk to me and she acts like she hates me! I remember this. I remember that, at this age, everything is a big deal. So, in her pubescent mind, when I am getting on her for not picking up her room, or hanging up her coat or cleaning up the dishes, I am really saying that she is a huge disappointment. Of course, I don't really think that. But, the point is, this is how I am coming across to my daughter when I choose to go to battle with her over the slightest of errors.
So, next time I notice the towels on the floor, I won't yell and make her come and scoop them up. I'll pick them up myself, and mention to her that I have done so. That way, she realizes her transgression, but she doesn't feel attacked. I will continue to pick my battles. First on the agenda: a cell phone! Not on her life!
Stepmotherhood
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Stepmotherhood
By, Michelle Harmon
Just like being a “real” Mom, being a step mom can be at once daunting and rewarding. In the Summer of 2007, the mother of three girls and the father of two boys got married and formed their very own Brady Bunch. But, unlike the Brady's, the kids didn't immediately get along, the new step parents didn't exactly know what they were doing, nor was there a witty housekeeper ready with a one-liner whenever things got a little hairy. Nonetheless, three years and another child later, this family of eight has managed to coexist happily with only the occasional bump in the road.
This family is my family, and I have learned much about being a step mom this past years. First off, I have learned that a step mom is not the same thing as a child's real mom and that one should not strive to be as such. Rather, as a step mom, you must be yourself and let your stepchildren love you for you and not because you are like or do things like his real mom. I remember early on, I was making spaghetti, and I put sausage and ground beef in it, like I always do, and my stepson wrinkled his nose and said, “My Mom doesn't make spaghetti like this.” At first, I was a little hurt and considered revising my recipe the next time. Then, it occurred to me that I don't need to change for my step kids anymore than they need to change for me. So, I kept on making spaghetti the same as I always have, and, guess what? It is my stepson's favorite dish. Now, they can think of me and my spaghetti. Just like I can think of them and the way the do whatever it is they each do. Be yourself. It never pays to try to be like someone else.
Likewise, house rules are very important. My stepsons do not live with us full time, and this fact posed some problems at first because the way I run my household was not the same way that their mother runs hers. However, my husband and I soon realized that we must adhere to the household rules and keep things running the same way when the boys are here. This made things easier for all the kids. My girls knew that just because their stepbrothers were over didn't mean that bedtimes were later or they didn't have chores. And my stepsons learned that even though they don't have chores at their house, all the kids do chores at our house. Yes, it was a challenge at first, but now they are used to it. And doing the chores and following the house rules lets them know that this is their home, too. They are not just visiting; they are one of us. So, don't bend the rules if you have part-time step kids because you want them to be happy and have fun while they are with you. They will be happy knowing that they are part of the group. And, your full-time kids will be happy that everyone is treated fairly.
Final thoughts: Stepmotherhood isn't easy, but it isn't impossible, either. They're just kids, afterall. Love them, be yourself, get respect, don't try to be their friend and you'll be just fine.
Stepmotherhood
By, Michelle Harmon
Just like being a “real” Mom, being a step mom can be at once daunting and rewarding. In the Summer of 2007, the mother of three girls and the father of two boys got married and formed their very own Brady Bunch. But, unlike the Brady's, the kids didn't immediately get along, the new step parents didn't exactly know what they were doing, nor was there a witty housekeeper ready with a one-liner whenever things got a little hairy. Nonetheless, three years and another child later, this family of eight has managed to coexist happily with only the occasional bump in the road.
This family is my family, and I have learned much about being a step mom this past years. First off, I have learned that a step mom is not the same thing as a child's real mom and that one should not strive to be as such. Rather, as a step mom, you must be yourself and let your stepchildren love you for you and not because you are like or do things like his real mom. I remember early on, I was making spaghetti, and I put sausage and ground beef in it, like I always do, and my stepson wrinkled his nose and said, “My Mom doesn't make spaghetti like this.” At first, I was a little hurt and considered revising my recipe the next time. Then, it occurred to me that I don't need to change for my step kids anymore than they need to change for me. So, I kept on making spaghetti the same as I always have, and, guess what? It is my stepson's favorite dish. Now, they can think of me and my spaghetti. Just like I can think of them and the way the do whatever it is they each do. Be yourself. It never pays to try to be like someone else.
Likewise, house rules are very important. My stepsons do not live with us full time, and this fact posed some problems at first because the way I run my household was not the same way that their mother runs hers. However, my husband and I soon realized that we must adhere to the household rules and keep things running the same way when the boys are here. This made things easier for all the kids. My girls knew that just because their stepbrothers were over didn't mean that bedtimes were later or they didn't have chores. And my stepsons learned that even though they don't have chores at their house, all the kids do chores at our house. Yes, it was a challenge at first, but now they are used to it. And doing the chores and following the house rules lets them know that this is their home, too. They are not just visiting; they are one of us. So, don't bend the rules if you have part-time step kids because you want them to be happy and have fun while they are with you. They will be happy knowing that they are part of the group. And, your full-time kids will be happy that everyone is treated fairly.
Final thoughts: Stepmotherhood isn't easy, but it isn't impossible, either. They're just kids, afterall. Love them, be yourself, get respect, don't try to be their friend and you'll be just fine.
Tough Questions
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Answering the Tough Questions
By, Michelle Harmon
Like Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby taught us, “kids say the darndest things.” And, as a parent, you've probably noticed that kids ask the darndest questions, too! So, when your child comes home for school (they always pick up a few wild notions or two from their classmates) and asks you a real whopper—how do you answer?
Take, for example, my five-year old daughter, a Kindergartener—she came home from school the other day and asked me, “Mom, is it true that sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls? One of the boys in my class said that, but I didn't believe him because you're a girl and Dad is a boy and you're married.” Don't you love kid-logic? I was a little stunned at this one. But, I realized that the best approach is honesty. Honesty is the best policy, after all—at least that's what Mom always said. So, I looked my little girl in the eye and told her the truth. “Yes, Peyton,” I explained, “sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls.” Notice I used her language and didn't get into the politics of the complicated subject, nor did I impose any personal opinions on her. What would be the point of that? She wouldn't understand it, anyway. I answered her question, simply, honestly. More importantly, I let her know that she can ask me whatever questions she wants, nothing is off limits. Hopefully, this will carry over into her pre-teen and teen years. A Mom can hope, can't she?
Furthermore, like any good teacher, I believe that knowledge is power. It is important for kids to know things, to know what is going on in their world and to know the terms and definitions for all sorts of things. For example, my eight-year old said that a kid at school called her a “lesbian,” but she didn't know what it was, so she couldn't respond or even tell if it was a bad thing or a good thing to be called. I told her what the definition of lesbian is. She just laughed and said, “Well, he was wrong.” Now, she knows what the word means, she doesn't have to feel confused or threatened. She's armed with knowledge.
Final thoughts: I don't pretend to have all the answers, and I'm sure that my kids will come up with questions that are particularly daunting, embarrassing or difficult to answer. But, I'll tell you this, whatever the question, I will do my best to answer it truthfully. And, if I don't know the answer or just can't explain, I will find the answer and give it to them, or I'll tell them to go ask their Dad. Dad knows, right?
Answering the Tough Questions
By, Michelle Harmon
Like Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby taught us, “kids say the darndest things.” And, as a parent, you've probably noticed that kids ask the darndest questions, too! So, when your child comes home for school (they always pick up a few wild notions or two from their classmates) and asks you a real whopper—how do you answer?
Take, for example, my five-year old daughter, a Kindergartener—she came home from school the other day and asked me, “Mom, is it true that sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls? One of the boys in my class said that, but I didn't believe him because you're a girl and Dad is a boy and you're married.” Don't you love kid-logic? I was a little stunned at this one. But, I realized that the best approach is honesty. Honesty is the best policy, after all—at least that's what Mom always said. So, I looked my little girl in the eye and told her the truth. “Yes, Peyton,” I explained, “sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls.” Notice I used her language and didn't get into the politics of the complicated subject, nor did I impose any personal opinions on her. What would be the point of that? She wouldn't understand it, anyway. I answered her question, simply, honestly. More importantly, I let her know that she can ask me whatever questions she wants, nothing is off limits. Hopefully, this will carry over into her pre-teen and teen years. A Mom can hope, can't she?
Furthermore, like any good teacher, I believe that knowledge is power. It is important for kids to know things, to know what is going on in their world and to know the terms and definitions for all sorts of things. For example, my eight-year old said that a kid at school called her a “lesbian,” but she didn't know what it was, so she couldn't respond or even tell if it was a bad thing or a good thing to be called. I told her what the definition of lesbian is. She just laughed and said, “Well, he was wrong.” Now, she knows what the word means, she doesn't have to feel confused or threatened. She's armed with knowledge.
Final thoughts: I don't pretend to have all the answers, and I'm sure that my kids will come up with questions that are particularly daunting, embarrassing or difficult to answer. But, I'll tell you this, whatever the question, I will do my best to answer it truthfully. And, if I don't know the answer or just can't explain, I will find the answer and give it to them, or I'll tell them to go ask their Dad. Dad knows, right?
Redshirting
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Redshirting or Possibly Repeating Kindergarten
By, Michelle Harmon
Redshirting. Have you heard of this? I just learned the meaning of it myself, recently. Redshirting is, apparently, the new term for holding children back from starting Kindergarten. That is, instead of sending your child to Kindergarten when she turns five, you keep her home (or at preschool) for another year and send her when she is six. It seems that more and more parents are opting for redshirting, given the expected benefits of doing so.
Redshirting allows your child to mature a bit more emotionally and intellectually before entering into Kindergarten. Most kids who are redshirted have less trouble adjusting to school and tend to do well academically. My suggestion if you do decide to redshirt your child, is that you have him in a preschool program or you work with him at home on the basics: alphabet, letter sounds, colors and numbers. Your Kindergarten teacher will undoubtedly expect him to comprehend such things more easily since he is older. I would also make sure that he has had the opportunity to socialize, at least somewhat, with kids his own age, whether in a preschool setting or through playdates, etc.
If your child is already in Kindergarten and is struggling, there is no shame in having your child repeat Kindergarten. I just had a conference last week with my daughter's Kindergarten teacher. My daughter is a young five and is struggling with letter sounds, handwriting and so forth. The teacher indicated that she may have to repeat Kindergarten if she doesn't improve by the Spring. Having dealt with parents who typically push their kids forward, the teacher was hesitate to tell me that she may repeat and seemed overly relieved when I told her that I was okay with the prospect of her repeating Kindergarten.
The way I see it, Kindergarten and the Elementary grades are the building blocks for your child's educational success. If your child doesn't have a strong foundation in reading and math, he will struggle the rest of his academic career. No parent wants to set her kid up for failure. So, again, it is okay to have your child repeat Kindergarten, likewise it is okay to redshirt him.
Finally, you know your child best. If he's five and you don't think he's ready for Kindergarten, don't send him. It's really as simple as that. He won't know the difference, and the school will support your decision, either way. Additionally, if your child is already in Kindergarten, but she is struggling. Let her repeat Kindergarten next year. Don't send her off to flounder in first grade. This will only cause her undo stress and will damage her self-esteem. You don't want her to learn to hate school at this age! She has her junior high years for that...
Redshirting or Possibly Repeating Kindergarten
By, Michelle Harmon
Redshirting. Have you heard of this? I just learned the meaning of it myself, recently. Redshirting is, apparently, the new term for holding children back from starting Kindergarten. That is, instead of sending your child to Kindergarten when she turns five, you keep her home (or at preschool) for another year and send her when she is six. It seems that more and more parents are opting for redshirting, given the expected benefits of doing so.
Redshirting allows your child to mature a bit more emotionally and intellectually before entering into Kindergarten. Most kids who are redshirted have less trouble adjusting to school and tend to do well academically. My suggestion if you do decide to redshirt your child, is that you have him in a preschool program or you work with him at home on the basics: alphabet, letter sounds, colors and numbers. Your Kindergarten teacher will undoubtedly expect him to comprehend such things more easily since he is older. I would also make sure that he has had the opportunity to socialize, at least somewhat, with kids his own age, whether in a preschool setting or through playdates, etc.
If your child is already in Kindergarten and is struggling, there is no shame in having your child repeat Kindergarten. I just had a conference last week with my daughter's Kindergarten teacher. My daughter is a young five and is struggling with letter sounds, handwriting and so forth. The teacher indicated that she may have to repeat Kindergarten if she doesn't improve by the Spring. Having dealt with parents who typically push their kids forward, the teacher was hesitate to tell me that she may repeat and seemed overly relieved when I told her that I was okay with the prospect of her repeating Kindergarten.
The way I see it, Kindergarten and the Elementary grades are the building blocks for your child's educational success. If your child doesn't have a strong foundation in reading and math, he will struggle the rest of his academic career. No parent wants to set her kid up for failure. So, again, it is okay to have your child repeat Kindergarten, likewise it is okay to redshirt him.
Finally, you know your child best. If he's five and you don't think he's ready for Kindergarten, don't send him. It's really as simple as that. He won't know the difference, and the school will support your decision, either way. Additionally, if your child is already in Kindergarten, but she is struggling. Let her repeat Kindergarten next year. Don't send her off to flounder in first grade. This will only cause her undo stress and will damage her self-esteem. You don't want her to learn to hate school at this age! She has her junior high years for that...
Time Flies
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
One Minute You're Dropping Them off at Kindergarten, the Next Minute, They're Graduating from High School
By, Michelle Harmon
This week my oldest daughter turned 11. 11! I can hardly believe it! Where has the time gone? I can remember being 11; how is it possible that I am old enough to have a daughter who is 11?! Of course, my daughter was super-excited about turning 11. “That means,” she informed me, beaming, “that I will be a teenager in two years!” SCREECH! I could hear my thoughts come to a grinding stop. A teenager! Then, my thoughts started spinning around and around in my head as I remembered how I was as a teenager, what I had done, what I had said to my parents, how I had lied and snuck out and fell in love and... “Mom!” my son's demanding wail brought me back to the present. I got a grip on myself and refilled my son's sippy cup, and looking at him, I remembered how my daughter looked and sounded at his age. I also remembered what my mother had told me when Zoe (my 11 year old) was crawling and I was so excited for her to start walking, she said, “Don't wish time away, you won't believe me now, but I am telling you, one minute you're dropping them off at Kindergarten and the next minute, they're graduating from high school. That's how fast it goes.” At the time, I remember rolling my eyes and not paying to much attention to my mother's sage advice.
Now, I know it to be true. This week my oldest turns 11. Next week, my youngest will turn 2, and I miss the old versions of themselves that I used to hold and rock to sleep. All the nights I stayed awake rocking my baby girl to sleep or crying right along with my son as he wailed with colic, I had prayed for them to grow bigger, so I could get some rest. Now, I realize how important it is to live in the moment, to never wish time would go by faster. It goes by fast enough. Now, sometimes I wish I could hit the brakes and keep my little man 1 for a few more years. But, I can't do that. Time just keeps moving. So, Mamas, don't ever wish your baby was crawling or walking ro talking before his time, enjoy holding him; enjoy every quiet moment; document every smile, every tear. I often hear Moms saying that they can't wait for their kids to be in school, then, maybe they can get things done! True, there is a certain amount of freedom that a Mom gets when her kids are at school all day, but you'll miss the days when they were at home with you. Once they start school, time seems to go even faster as they start to explore the world without you. Be patient, let time pass as it must. I'm telling you this: one minute you're dropping them off at kindergarten, and the next minute, they're graduating from high school.
One Minute You're Dropping Them off at Kindergarten, the Next Minute, They're Graduating from High School
By, Michelle Harmon
This week my oldest daughter turned 11. 11! I can hardly believe it! Where has the time gone? I can remember being 11; how is it possible that I am old enough to have a daughter who is 11?! Of course, my daughter was super-excited about turning 11. “That means,” she informed me, beaming, “that I will be a teenager in two years!” SCREECH! I could hear my thoughts come to a grinding stop. A teenager! Then, my thoughts started spinning around and around in my head as I remembered how I was as a teenager, what I had done, what I had said to my parents, how I had lied and snuck out and fell in love and... “Mom!” my son's demanding wail brought me back to the present. I got a grip on myself and refilled my son's sippy cup, and looking at him, I remembered how my daughter looked and sounded at his age. I also remembered what my mother had told me when Zoe (my 11 year old) was crawling and I was so excited for her to start walking, she said, “Don't wish time away, you won't believe me now, but I am telling you, one minute you're dropping them off at Kindergarten and the next minute, they're graduating from high school. That's how fast it goes.” At the time, I remember rolling my eyes and not paying to much attention to my mother's sage advice.
Now, I know it to be true. This week my oldest turns 11. Next week, my youngest will turn 2, and I miss the old versions of themselves that I used to hold and rock to sleep. All the nights I stayed awake rocking my baby girl to sleep or crying right along with my son as he wailed with colic, I had prayed for them to grow bigger, so I could get some rest. Now, I realize how important it is to live in the moment, to never wish time would go by faster. It goes by fast enough. Now, sometimes I wish I could hit the brakes and keep my little man 1 for a few more years. But, I can't do that. Time just keeps moving. So, Mamas, don't ever wish your baby was crawling or walking ro talking before his time, enjoy holding him; enjoy every quiet moment; document every smile, every tear. I often hear Moms saying that they can't wait for their kids to be in school, then, maybe they can get things done! True, there is a certain amount of freedom that a Mom gets when her kids are at school all day, but you'll miss the days when they were at home with you. Once they start school, time seems to go even faster as they start to explore the world without you. Be patient, let time pass as it must. I'm telling you this: one minute you're dropping them off at kindergarten, and the next minute, they're graduating from high school.
Breast Vs. Formula
As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:
Breastfeeding VS. Formula Feeding
By, Michelle Harmon
Soon after a mom-to-be announces her condition, there are generally three questions that emerge: When are you due? Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? And, Are you going to breastfeed? Or for the more bold questioners, You're going to nurse, aren't you? The first question is easy enough to answer. The second question I always found to be a bit rude and extremely unfair. I think most women just hope for a healthy baby. And, if you answer you hope for a boy and you have a girl, are you supposed to act disappointed? You can see why this question irritates me. Anyway, I digress. The question I am interested in for this week's topic is the breastfeeding question.
Having had four children, and nursed only two out of the four, and only one of those two for longer than six months, I can tell you that breastfeeding is wonderful. But, I won't agree with addage that new moms will hear over and over--”breast is best.” Chemically speaking, you can't argue with the fact that nature provides Moms with the perfect food to nourish their young; however, technologically speaking, the baby formula now available is pretty darn close to the “real” thing.
Aside from nutrition, there are other considerations to contemplate before deciding if you will nurse your baby. First, if you must return back to work soon after your baby is born and you decide to breast feed, you will need to figure out how you will extract your milk while at work, store it, if you will breast feed and bottle feed pumped breast milk or you will switch to all bottles filled with milk. Some of the decisions will be made by your baby; some babies are happy to switch from bottle to breast; some are not. If you decide to pump, I urge you to invest in a high-quality electric pump. They are rather pricey, but well worth it, if you plan on exclusively feeding your baby breast milk. The electric pump worked for me, and I was able to feed my son breast milk exclusively. If pumping seems a bit daunting, you can choose to give formula exclusively and you need not worry about pumping or storing milk. With my middle two girls, I had to return rather quickly to work, and this worked for us.
Financial concerns may help you make your decision, as well. Breast milk is free. Formula is very expensive. However, breast pumps are expensive and pumping is time-consuming. You have to decide what is best for you and your family.
Another thing to consider is that, with formula feeding, Daddy has more feeding and bonding opportunities with baby. Which also means, that Dad can do some of the middle of the night feedings!
Conversely, nursing is a very calming, intimate experience that only you can share with your baby. It is truly a wonderful thing. That being said, the best choice is the choice that will make everyone in the family happy, not what your mother-in-law, your coworkers, friends, or complete strangers thinks you should do.
A final word on formula vs. breastfeed, like I said, I am a mother of four, and each time one of my children was born, I made the decision in regards to breastfeeding/formula feeding that I thought best for my family at the time. I loved nursing, but I also loved the freedom of formula feeding and watching my hubby bond with our new baby while feeding her. I am happy for the decision I made each time, and, no I harbor no guilt for not nursing all my babies. And, whatever you decide, never feel like you need to justify your decision to anyone. You're the Mom, after all.
Breastfeeding VS. Formula Feeding
By, Michelle Harmon
Soon after a mom-to-be announces her condition, there are generally three questions that emerge: When are you due? Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? And, Are you going to breastfeed? Or for the more bold questioners, You're going to nurse, aren't you? The first question is easy enough to answer. The second question I always found to be a bit rude and extremely unfair. I think most women just hope for a healthy baby. And, if you answer you hope for a boy and you have a girl, are you supposed to act disappointed? You can see why this question irritates me. Anyway, I digress. The question I am interested in for this week's topic is the breastfeeding question.
Having had four children, and nursed only two out of the four, and only one of those two for longer than six months, I can tell you that breastfeeding is wonderful. But, I won't agree with addage that new moms will hear over and over--”breast is best.” Chemically speaking, you can't argue with the fact that nature provides Moms with the perfect food to nourish their young; however, technologically speaking, the baby formula now available is pretty darn close to the “real” thing.
Aside from nutrition, there are other considerations to contemplate before deciding if you will nurse your baby. First, if you must return back to work soon after your baby is born and you decide to breast feed, you will need to figure out how you will extract your milk while at work, store it, if you will breast feed and bottle feed pumped breast milk or you will switch to all bottles filled with milk. Some of the decisions will be made by your baby; some babies are happy to switch from bottle to breast; some are not. If you decide to pump, I urge you to invest in a high-quality electric pump. They are rather pricey, but well worth it, if you plan on exclusively feeding your baby breast milk. The electric pump worked for me, and I was able to feed my son breast milk exclusively. If pumping seems a bit daunting, you can choose to give formula exclusively and you need not worry about pumping or storing milk. With my middle two girls, I had to return rather quickly to work, and this worked for us.
Financial concerns may help you make your decision, as well. Breast milk is free. Formula is very expensive. However, breast pumps are expensive and pumping is time-consuming. You have to decide what is best for you and your family.
Another thing to consider is that, with formula feeding, Daddy has more feeding and bonding opportunities with baby. Which also means, that Dad can do some of the middle of the night feedings!
Conversely, nursing is a very calming, intimate experience that only you can share with your baby. It is truly a wonderful thing. That being said, the best choice is the choice that will make everyone in the family happy, not what your mother-in-law, your coworkers, friends, or complete strangers thinks you should do.
A final word on formula vs. breastfeed, like I said, I am a mother of four, and each time one of my children was born, I made the decision in regards to breastfeeding/formula feeding that I thought best for my family at the time. I loved nursing, but I also loved the freedom of formula feeding and watching my hubby bond with our new baby while feeding her. I am happy for the decision I made each time, and, no I harbor no guilt for not nursing all my babies. And, whatever you decide, never feel like you need to justify your decision to anyone. You're the Mom, after all.
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