Tuesday, June 29, 2010

New Kid, Day--whatever the hell!

Okay, so, I've lost track of the days since the great "Leman experiment", forgive me, with four kids, I'm lucky I haven't lost my mind, not to mention my car keys! Anyway, I have been applying Leman's principles for some time now, and I have to admit, the man knows a thing or two! My kids have stepped up to the plate in regards to chores and overall helpfulness. They listen better, well, most of the time. My one continuing battle is with the fighting among the girls. It has gotten better, and I stick with Leman's philosophy of not choosing sides and letting the kids work things out on their own--which, by the way, can be very hard to do, it takes a lot of restraint on my part--most of the time, the girls work it out. Unfortunately, their niceness doesn't last long and within a hour or two (sometimes less), they're at it again!
One very positive thing that has come from letting them work out their own squabbles is that I have noticed that they work better together on solving problems or on agreeing what to do about a certain thing. For example, the other night after a day consisting of several mini-battles between the two older girls, the two girls sat down and discussed the things that the do that get on the other one's nerves. Then, they agreed on strategies to work on these things. I gotta say I was blown away! Then, to top it off, they noticed that Mom does more work around the house than anyone, and they decided that they needed to pitch in more (this came unprovoked, mind you). So, between the two of them, they decided how each of them would contribute more to the household chores. Cue the violins!

Journal Ideas

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, June 26, 2010:

Journaling Ideas for Parents
By, Michelle Harmon

Some of you keep a journal or a diary where you write down your most intimate thoughts, create poetry, doodles or you may even keep a gratitude journal to remind you of the things in life for which you are grateful. Journaling about your kids and about your experience raising them can be very cathartic, rewarding, and can also remind you to be grateful that you have been given such a grand opportunity to be someone's Mommy.
When my oldest daughter was born, I kept a journal in which I documented her first smile, her first time rolling over and other less monumental events in her babyhood. I also wrote what I was feeling at the time, whether it was awe at the wonder of my child or pure exhaustion. I wrote the journal like I was talking to my daughter. I plan on giving it to her when she is grown and has her own child. If you haven't done this, try it. You won't regret it. Even if your kids are older, any age is full of things to note. And if you don't want to do a whole journal, write your kids letters. Letters that document an event or that even tell of a struggle, letters that are honest and heartfelt. Letters that will help you get out how you feel and that will make your child smile when you present them to her years later.
Another idea is to keep a parenting journal for yourself. Keep this separate from your personal diary and only write things in it that pertain to parenting and your kids. Write about the struggles of potty training and the joy when he finally pooped on the potty! Write about the tumultuous adolescent years and how you got through them. This can be a valuable tool for you to go back and see what techniques worked, not to mention to remember your child at age 2 as he stands before you at age 12. This can also be something that you share with your children when they have children of their own.
Finally, you could keep a journal with your child. That is, a notebook where you write to each other. This can be particularly helpful when the family is going through turmoil like a divorce. Sometimes children (and adults) have a hard time talking about things, but they may find it much easier to write about their feelings. Keep this journal in a special place where your child can write you a message whenever he feels so inclined, and you can write back and he will know where to find it later. This can be a great way to build a close relationship between you and your child.
Happy writing!

Don't Let 'Em Play You

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, June 19, 2010:

Don't Let Them Play You
By, Michelle Harmon

Mom: “Susie, I told you that you couldn't go to play at Jane's house until your room was picked up.”
Susie: “Dad said I could go.” And, how does Mom respond? Well, what can she say? She can't fault the child if she got permission from Dad. She can't fault Dad, either. So, Mom's stuck. Susie has played her, and there is nothing she can do about it. At least not this time.
The situation is not totally hopeless for Mom, however. Kids are master manipulators and they learn very quickly who is the soft touch, who they can pull one over on. So, first thing you have to do, Mom, is face that fact. All kids are experts at it, and if they are given the opportunity to play you, they will pounce on it like a cougar on a gazelle. So, now that we know this. The first thing you need to do is sit down with Dad and discuss the basic rules of the house and for each child. It's important that you discuss each child because if you have children of varying ages, chances are your expectations for them are different, and, thus so are some of the rules. You discussed; now, come to an agreement. That was the easy part.
The hard part is to never, ever, for any reason falter. That is, if you and your spouse agreed that Susie must complete her homework before she goes over to a friend's house, then, every time this must happen. This rule must be enforced every time no matter how much Susie whines and begs. Susie will probably try to ask one of you, and if she doesn't get the answer she wants, she'll try the other parent. But, this time, you will both have the same answer. You got her! She now knows that Mom and Dad are a united front, and there will be no more playing one against the other.
Now, I do realize that issues will come up that you and your spouse may not have discussed yet. For example, your twelve year old asks you if you can drop her off to see a movie with her friends. You aren't sure what to do. You think it might be okay, but you are not sure if your spouse would agree. You can either make a choice and stick to it. Or, you can wait until Dad comes home and discuss it, then, let your child know if permission will be granted. The better option is to wait until Dad comes home and make the decision together. But, if Dad is away, say on a business trip, and you cannot wait until he gets home. Well, then, Mom, you make the decision and stick with it. You can fill Dad in when he gets home and let him know that you need his support on this. If you work together, your kids will notice. And, whether you know it or not, they will be all the better off for it.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Making Kids Accountable

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 6/12/2010:

Making Kids Accountable
By, Michelle Harmon

Imagine this typical scenario in a house with kids: Johnny has a baseball game in an hour, and you are just about to head out the door when you walk past Johnny's room and note the disaster. You know that you told him two hours ago to pick up his room, and, yet, there it is, still a mess. So, what do you do? You have basically two choices. You can ignore it, go to the game and tell him to pick it up after you get home, or you can tell him that you all cannot go to the game until the room is picked up. The first option is much easier. He can just pick it up after the game. So, what's wrong with that? As long as it gets cleaned, does it really matter when? Yes, it does, Mom. You told him to pick it up two hours ago, so two hours ago it should have been done. If you let it slide, you are basically communicating to Johnny that he doesn't have to do what you say, and that he still gets to do what he wants to do. You teach him nothing with choice #1.
But, you are thinking, choice number #2 isn't very appealing, either. Oh yes, it is much harder; it will take an iron will on your part. You don't want your little guy to miss his game or to be late for it. He'll let the team down. And, what will the other parents, not to mention the coach, think of you? It's hard, but you have to let all that go. If Johnny is late or misses the game, you have to let Johnny deal with the ramifications. It won't be easy, but this is the only way to teach accountability. Next time, Johnny will think twice before he ignores an order from you.
As I am writing this, my five year old is tearing up her room looking for a lost DVD. Not just any DVD, mind you. It is a DVD that I allowed her to check out from the library. About an hour ago, we were all set to go to the library, return our borrowed DVDs and books and check out new ones. This is one of our favorite things to do; all my kids love going to the library. However, as I looked into the bag full of our items to return, I just had a Mom feeling, if you will. I told my nine year old to check the DVD cases and ensure that each DVD was in its proper case. And, guess what? One of them was missing. Three Stooges, to be exact. So, I told my little stooge who borrowed said DVD to look for it. I explained that we will not be going to the library until the DVD is found. It's been an hour, and she is still looking, and the car is still parked. No, it's not easy to see the disappointment on the kids' faces, but I know that if I let it slide, my five year old will have learned nothing about taking care of library property, nor will she learn that she is accountable for her actions. So, sixty-four minutes and counting, we wait.

In This Family We Support Each Other

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, 5/22/2010:

In This Family We Support Each Other
By, Michelle Harmon

A typical weeknight or Saturday night in my house during this time of year consists of traveling from one softball game to the next, with all four kids in tow. Yes, it's a busy life, but it can be a very rewarding one. Especially, if the kids are cheering each other on and not just worrying about themselves. Supporting one another and thinking more about family and less about self is the lesson I am trying to teach my kids through sports.
My mantra is: “In this family we support each other.” I say it often. In fact, my oldest jokes about it, “Mom, you say that about five times a day!” I answer, “Maybe so. That's because I want you to remember it.” It all started during one of my middle daughter's games. My oldest did not feel like sitting and watching her sister play. She would rather hang out with friends that were also in attendance (with little sisters playing in the game). My youngest thought it would be much more fun to play on the playground than sit and watch her big sister play. I turned to the two of them and asked them, “Why are we here?” They, of course, answered, “for Isabelle's game.” “That's right,” I said. “And, in this family we support each other, so you are going to sit here and support your sister. And, when, you have a game, Isabelle will do the same for you.” They looked at me dumbfounded for a minute and even pouted a little. But, after awhile, they put their energies into cheering their sister on. And, it was a proud moment for Mom. Now, whenever we go to games, no one asks to go play. We all support each other.
The point that I'm driving at with my kids is that by supporting each other at softball games, they will begin to notice how good it feels to support someone else and how good it feels to have your siblings supporting you. I hope this is something that they will carry on throughout life, not just within our family, but at school and, eventually, at work and in their own families. Every parent wants her child to grow up to be a thoughtful and caring adult. Something as simple as learning to cheer on your sister at a softball game can help foster a desire to be kind and supportive of others and not thinking just of oneself.