Don't Let 'Em Play You

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, June 19, 2010:

Don't Let Them Play You
By, Michelle Harmon

Mom: “Susie, I told you that you couldn't go to play at Jane's house until your room was picked up.”
Susie: “Dad said I could go.” And, how does Mom respond? Well, what can she say? She can't fault the child if she got permission from Dad. She can't fault Dad, either. So, Mom's stuck. Susie has played her, and there is nothing she can do about it. At least not this time.
The situation is not totally hopeless for Mom, however. Kids are master manipulators and they learn very quickly who is the soft touch, who they can pull one over on. So, first thing you have to do, Mom, is face that fact. All kids are experts at it, and if they are given the opportunity to play you, they will pounce on it like a cougar on a gazelle. So, now that we know this. The first thing you need to do is sit down with Dad and discuss the basic rules of the house and for each child. It's important that you discuss each child because if you have children of varying ages, chances are your expectations for them are different, and, thus so are some of the rules. You discussed; now, come to an agreement. That was the easy part.
The hard part is to never, ever, for any reason falter. That is, if you and your spouse agreed that Susie must complete her homework before she goes over to a friend's house, then, every time this must happen. This rule must be enforced every time no matter how much Susie whines and begs. Susie will probably try to ask one of you, and if she doesn't get the answer she wants, she'll try the other parent. But, this time, you will both have the same answer. You got her! She now knows that Mom and Dad are a united front, and there will be no more playing one against the other.
Now, I do realize that issues will come up that you and your spouse may not have discussed yet. For example, your twelve year old asks you if you can drop her off to see a movie with her friends. You aren't sure what to do. You think it might be okay, but you are not sure if your spouse would agree. You can either make a choice and stick to it. Or, you can wait until Dad comes home and discuss it, then, let your child know if permission will be granted. The better option is to wait until Dad comes home and make the decision together. But, if Dad is away, say on a business trip, and you cannot wait until he gets home. Well, then, Mom, you make the decision and stick with it. You can fill Dad in when he gets home and let him know that you need his support on this. If you work together, your kids will notice. And, whether you know it or not, they will be all the better off for it.