A Slice of Humble Pie

A Slice of Humble Pie
By, Michelle Harmon, as published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus on Sat, March 27, 2010:

“Go to your room and think about what you did!” At one time or another (probably many times), during the course of motherhood, you've uttered these words to your child watching him stomp up the stairs or down the hall while you contemplate what he did and what you're going to do about it. Chances are you are the only thinking about what what he did. Once in the confines of his room, your child is only really thinking about how mean you are for sending him there and how long it will be before he can come out. So, where's the lesson? If you want your child to learn from his indiscretions and, hopefully, not repeat them, you have to rethink the “go to your room” scenario.
My daughter arrived home from school yesterday with a dreaded note from the teacher. She had misbehaved in school—talking when the teacher was talking and being downright rude to the teacher and to another student. I, of course, was at once angry and embarrassed. I, a school teacher by training, now has a child getting in trouble at school! Now, what? The first thing I did was lecture her about her misbehavior. Then, I sent her to her room. As I sat and thought about it, I realized that this was not enough. I could ground her, but what would this teach her? I could take away the Wii, TV time, and/or the Gameboy, but, again, what would she learn from this?
Then, it hit me! In order for her to fully appreciate the ramifications of her misbehavior, she had to take ownership of it. So, I instructed her to gather two pieces of paper and a pencil and meet me at the kitchen table. I explained to her that I wanted her to write two letters of apology. One to her teacher and one to the student she had been mean to. I told her to be sure to acknowledge her actions, explain why she acted the way she did and apologize for behaving as such. Then, I left her to it.
Once she finished, she showed the letters to me. And, I was pleased to see that she done exactly as asked, and more. She admitted her wrongdoing, explained the faulty thinking that led to her misbehavior, apologized, and, even, asked for forgiveness. After reading the letters, I talked with her about her actions and how they must have made the teacher and the student feel. After this exercise, I felt confident that after owning her actions and undergoing the humbling experience of apologizing, my daughter had learned her lesson. So, the next time your child misbehaves, consider doling out a big slice of humble pie in the form of an apology and make her own her actions.

Kids and Movies

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:

Kids and Movies
By, Michelle Harmon

One of my family's favorite activities to do together is to go see a movie at the local cinema. It seems that more and more families are electing to do so, as well. This is a good thing, but I think that some parents need to reevaluate the purpose of a theater outing. In addition, I have seen young kids too often watching movies that they definitely should not be watching.
The purpose of a family theater outing is to watch a movie together that the whole family will enjoy and that is appropriate for all members of the family. There are usually several family appropriate movies to choose from on any given weekend. I'm sure The Tooth Fairy or Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs wouldn't be your first choice (I know they wouldn't be mine), but these types of movies are appropriate for families and are usually, at least, somewhat funny and enjoyable for the adults in the family. If you want to see an R rated movie, get a sitter and go without your kids. It is not fair to your kids, or to the other people in the theater to bring young kids to a scary or otherwise inappropriate movie. The ratings are there for a reason. This also applies to dropping your older kids off to watch a movie with their friends. If the rating is R, your thirteen or fourteen year old does not belong there. Granted, kids mature at different levels and maybe you feel that your fourteen year old is grown up enough to watch an R rated movie. That is fine—in your own home—not at the theater. Also, in regards to preteens and teens, please make sure you at least go over proper theater etiquette with your kids before you drop them off. Nothing is more annoying that teenage girls giggling through a movie or putting their feet up on my chair!
Further, if you have a baby, he has no business being in the theater at all. Nobody wants to hear a crying baby when they are trying to watch a movie, especially a movie that is not meant for kids. Moreover, is it really worth going to the movies if you have to get up and tend to your crying baby instead of relaxing and watching the movie? I think not. Many theaters have special showings for parents and their babies. If you must take your baby, take him to one of those showings.

Choosing the Right Preschool

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:

Choosing the Right Preschool
By, Michelle Harmon

If you have preschool age children, it is time to start thinking about which preschool you will send them to. And, there is no limit to the options available to you. There are Montessori preschools, half-day preschools, full-day preschools, private, public, and so forth. The task of getting your child enrolled in the “right” preschool is extremely daunting. But, it does not have to be.
Most preschools have open houses, which can be a great way to learn about the school and meet the teachers. Also, any good school will let you come and sit in on a class. Finally, your best resource is other moms. Ask your Mom friends or the Moms in your neighborhood where they sent their kids. Word of mouth, I've always found, is the best way to find a reputable anything—from mechanic to preschool.
Another word of advice, do not stress too much about the curriculum. This is preschool we're talking about, not college. Most preschools have generally the same goals: to teach the ABCs and 123s. And, don't forget fun. You certainly don't want your three or four year old to hate school already because she doesn't get to have any fun! I'd pay more attention to the teacher than the curriculum. If the teacher is, as one of my Mom friends put it, “warm and fuzzy” your child is more likely to feel secure and comfortable and want to learn and play with this teacher. Being hard and strict is certainly not a trait to look for in a preschool teacher. Middle school or high school is a better place for a strict, no nonsense teacher.
Lastly, do not spend a lot of money on preschool. As with most things, just because it costs more does not mean it is better. I learned this lesson the hard way and wasted hundreds of dollars on a preschool that was not any better than the much cheaper one my friends sent their kids to. Bottom line, pick a school that is relatively close to your house, is reasonably priced, and, most importantly, has a warm and fuzzy teacher waiting to welcome your child into the world of learning.

Learn to be Flexible

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:

Learn to be Flexible
By, Michelle Harmon

Like any mother of an almost-two-year old, it has occurred to me that I must begin arming myself for one of the many feats of parenting—potty training. Having potty trained three children successfully, and virtually painlessly, I should enter into this realm of parenthood with my youngest toddler holding my head high, confident in the knowledge that I know what to expect, that I can be patient, that potty training is a battle I can win. And yet, I approach the potty training of my son with much trepidation. I have never potty trained a boy before—all my other children are girls!
As is my way with most everything, when I am unsure or I don't know a lot about something, I do two things. First, I hit the books (and the internet) and read up on the topic. I have done that and have learned that boys generally take longer to potty train than girls, they tend to have more accidents than girls, and, yes, you do indeed start them out sitting down on the potty before you try to teach them how to stand and go potty without spraying all over the bathroom. Feeling more informed but not that much more confident, I decided to do the second thing I always do when faced with a parenting obstacle—ask other moms.
After talking to my Mom friends who have potty trained their sons or who are in the midst of doing so, I learned that the information I gleaned from the books and the internet was fairly accurate, though, you always have that one mom in the group who has no trouble at all with potty training or anything else, for that matter (you know the one!). Now, I felt armed with information and comforted by the encouragement of my Mom friends. I decided that I was ready. It was time to purchase the potty chair, the Pull-ups and begin introducing my son to the toilet. My son loves cars, and I found the perfect potty seat—a Cars seat with roads and street signs and cars on it—he would love it! I left the store feeling excitement about commencing potty training. He would be super excited about the potty seat, and I would have no problem getting him to sit on the chair. I was on a total Mom-high when I got home! I could not wait to see my son's face when I pulled out that awesome potty seat!
Once home, I unwrapped the potty seat, thinking it looked even cooler out of the box, and I happily placed the potty seat in the bathroom, knowing that my little man would get such a kick out of this seat that he would have no trouble sitting down on it, and, thus, beginning the potty training! So, called my son into the bathroom. He came toddling in, happy as a clam, that is, until he saw the potty seat. He took one look at it and ran as fast as his little legs would carry him out of the bathroom, crying! I was dumfounded. I brought him back into the bathroom and touched the potty seat, saying, “See, look at the cars! Now you can go potty like a big boy!” My son would have none of it. He cried, “No, bite!” and hid in the corner of the room, eying the potty chair (and me) suspiciously and crying. At a total loss, I scooped him up and took him out of the bathroom. I couldn't believe it! My potty seat dreams were shattered! Where had I gone wrong?! My son thought the chair would bite him! Why on earth did he think that? I have no idea.
After thinking about this incident later, I realized that this episode was just another lesson I had to learn about parenting a toddler. Toddlers are trying to make sense of the world around them and, as they do so, they may act out irrationally, they may even break your heart, but the lesson is that you just have to be flexible. Everybody learns how to go potty, eventually. Just as every toddler eventually will sleep through the night or give up his binky. As a mom, you just have to roll with the punches (and the wails and the screams) and give up a little control. With a toddler, almost nothing goes according to plan. That night, I hid the potty chair and decided to rethink my strategy.

Just Say No

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:

Just Say No
By, Michelle Harmon

Snacks for playdate, plan sister's baby shower, cookies for church bake sale, make eye doctor appointment for hubby, son's basketball games Tuesday and Thursday, basketball practice till 5, daughter's ballet on Wednesday and Friday, parent-teacher meeting Thursday, grocery store, meeting on Tuesday, and the list goes on and on. The above looks like a typical week in the life of a busy mom. How do we ever manage it all?
While talking with my Mom friends at a recent playdate, one of the moms confessed, “I have so many things going on this week, that I almost canceled today, but my daughter was so excited to come, that I didn't.” The rest of us moms mumbled and nodded in agreement. We all had too much on our plates, and yet, we still kept right on filling them. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?
I think, as women, we have an innate desire to please others. We are born nurturers, and we feel it our duty to make those around us feel happy. This explains the things we do for our kids and husbands, but what about everybody else? Unfortunately, I think most women care to much what others think and are afraid of being judged by others, especially by other women. If I go to the playdate, will they think I'm being antisocial or a bad mom? If I don't bake cookies for the bake sale, will they think I don't care? We have to stop this way of thinking and realize that if you don't bake cookies for the bake sale, someone else will, and, you know what? That's OK. If you miss one playdate or birthday party, your kid will survive and so will you.
Practice saying no. The next time you are asked to attend an event or to bake something or any other chore of the sort, just say no. It will be hard, at first, but then the relief will set in. You will be able to do the things that you really need to do and maybe even some of the things you want to do and not feel like you're just going through the motions. Don't you ever get tired of feeling like you're on autopilot? Take back the controls, Mom. Just say no.

Pick your Battles

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:

Pick Your Battles
By, Michelle Harmon

I've often heard the expression, “pick your battles” when it comes to dealing with coworkers, when dealing with students (I've been a teacher for ten years), and even when dealing with your spouse. It only occurred to me that other day that this little gem is a wonderful rule of thumb when dealing with your kids—especially preteens and teenagers!
My eleven year old is entering that phase of life that—when I recall my experiences at her age---I cringe. She has recently started to wake up early to straighten her hair before school and wants to wear make up. She is starting to develop physically and wants to be treated more grown up. She wants a Facebook account and a cell phone (YIKES!), and, yet, she always leaves wet towels on the floor and never remembers to clean her room. How do I get through to her?
I have found that if I get on her about every little thing, she closes up and won't talk to me and she acts like she hates me! I remember this. I remember that, at this age, everything is a big deal. So, in her pubescent mind, when I am getting on her for not picking up her room, or hanging up her coat or cleaning up the dishes, I am really saying that she is a huge disappointment. Of course, I don't really think that. But, the point is, this is how I am coming across to my daughter when I choose to go to battle with her over the slightest of errors.
So, next time I notice the towels on the floor, I won't yell and make her come and scoop them up. I'll pick them up myself, and mention to her that I have done so. That way, she realizes her transgression, but she doesn't feel attacked. I will continue to pick my battles. First on the agenda: a cell phone! Not on her life!

Stepmotherhood

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:

Stepmotherhood
By, Michelle Harmon

Just like being a “real” Mom, being a step mom can be at once daunting and rewarding. In the Summer of 2007, the mother of three girls and the father of two boys got married and formed their very own Brady Bunch. But, unlike the Brady's, the kids didn't immediately get along, the new step parents didn't exactly know what they were doing, nor was there a witty housekeeper ready with a one-liner whenever things got a little hairy. Nonetheless, three years and another child later, this family of eight has managed to coexist happily with only the occasional bump in the road.
This family is my family, and I have learned much about being a step mom this past years. First off, I have learned that a step mom is not the same thing as a child's real mom and that one should not strive to be as such. Rather, as a step mom, you must be yourself and let your stepchildren love you for you and not because you are like or do things like his real mom. I remember early on, I was making spaghetti, and I put sausage and ground beef in it, like I always do, and my stepson wrinkled his nose and said, “My Mom doesn't make spaghetti like this.” At first, I was a little hurt and considered revising my recipe the next time. Then, it occurred to me that I don't need to change for my step kids anymore than they need to change for me. So, I kept on making spaghetti the same as I always have, and, guess what? It is my stepson's favorite dish. Now, they can think of me and my spaghetti. Just like I can think of them and the way the do whatever it is they each do. Be yourself. It never pays to try to be like someone else.
Likewise, house rules are very important. My stepsons do not live with us full time, and this fact posed some problems at first because the way I run my household was not the same way that their mother runs hers. However, my husband and I soon realized that we must adhere to the household rules and keep things running the same way when the boys are here. This made things easier for all the kids. My girls knew that just because their stepbrothers were over didn't mean that bedtimes were later or they didn't have chores. And my stepsons learned that even though they don't have chores at their house, all the kids do chores at our house. Yes, it was a challenge at first, but now they are used to it. And doing the chores and following the house rules lets them know that this is their home, too. They are not just visiting; they are one of us. So, don't bend the rules if you have part-time step kids because you want them to be happy and have fun while they are with you. They will be happy knowing that they are part of the group. And, your full-time kids will be happy that everyone is treated fairly.
Final thoughts: Stepmotherhood isn't easy, but it isn't impossible, either. They're just kids, afterall. Love them, be yourself, get respect, don't try to be their friend and you'll be just fine.

Tough Questions

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:

Answering the Tough Questions
By, Michelle Harmon

Like Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby taught us, “kids say the darndest things.” And, as a parent, you've probably noticed that kids ask the darndest questions, too! So, when your child comes home for school (they always pick up a few wild notions or two from their classmates) and asks you a real whopper—how do you answer?
Take, for example, my five-year old daughter, a Kindergartener—she came home from school the other day and asked me, “Mom, is it true that sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls? One of the boys in my class said that, but I didn't believe him because you're a girl and Dad is a boy and you're married.” Don't you love kid-logic? I was a little stunned at this one. But, I realized that the best approach is honesty. Honesty is the best policy, after all—at least that's what Mom always said. So, I looked my little girl in the eye and told her the truth. “Yes, Peyton,” I explained, “sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls.” Notice I used her language and didn't get into the politics of the complicated subject, nor did I impose any personal opinions on her. What would be the point of that? She wouldn't understand it, anyway. I answered her question, simply, honestly. More importantly, I let her know that she can ask me whatever questions she wants, nothing is off limits. Hopefully, this will carry over into her pre-teen and teen years. A Mom can hope, can't she?
Furthermore, like any good teacher, I believe that knowledge is power. It is important for kids to know things, to know what is going on in their world and to know the terms and definitions for all sorts of things. For example, my eight-year old said that a kid at school called her a “lesbian,” but she didn't know what it was, so she couldn't respond or even tell if it was a bad thing or a good thing to be called. I told her what the definition of lesbian is. She just laughed and said, “Well, he was wrong.” Now, she knows what the word means, she doesn't have to feel confused or threatened. She's armed with knowledge.
Final thoughts: I don't pretend to have all the answers, and I'm sure that my kids will come up with questions that are particularly daunting, embarrassing or difficult to answer. But, I'll tell you this, whatever the question, I will do my best to answer it truthfully. And, if I don't know the answer or just can't explain, I will find the answer and give it to them, or I'll tell them to go ask their Dad. Dad knows, right?

Redshirting

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:

Redshirting or Possibly Repeating Kindergarten
By, Michelle Harmon

Redshirting. Have you heard of this? I just learned the meaning of it myself, recently. Redshirting is, apparently, the new term for holding children back from starting Kindergarten. That is, instead of sending your child to Kindergarten when she turns five, you keep her home (or at preschool) for another year and send her when she is six. It seems that more and more parents are opting for redshirting, given the expected benefits of doing so.
Redshirting allows your child to mature a bit more emotionally and intellectually before entering into Kindergarten. Most kids who are redshirted have less trouble adjusting to school and tend to do well academically. My suggestion if you do decide to redshirt your child, is that you have him in a preschool program or you work with him at home on the basics: alphabet, letter sounds, colors and numbers. Your Kindergarten teacher will undoubtedly expect him to comprehend such things more easily since he is older. I would also make sure that he has had the opportunity to socialize, at least somewhat, with kids his own age, whether in a preschool setting or through playdates, etc.
If your child is already in Kindergarten and is struggling, there is no shame in having your child repeat Kindergarten. I just had a conference last week with my daughter's Kindergarten teacher. My daughter is a young five and is struggling with letter sounds, handwriting and so forth. The teacher indicated that she may have to repeat Kindergarten if she doesn't improve by the Spring. Having dealt with parents who typically push their kids forward, the teacher was hesitate to tell me that she may repeat and seemed overly relieved when I told her that I was okay with the prospect of her repeating Kindergarten.
The way I see it, Kindergarten and the Elementary grades are the building blocks for your child's educational success. If your child doesn't have a strong foundation in reading and math, he will struggle the rest of his academic career. No parent wants to set her kid up for failure. So, again, it is okay to have your child repeat Kindergarten, likewise it is okay to redshirt him.
Finally, you know your child best. If he's five and you don't think he's ready for Kindergarten, don't send him. It's really as simple as that. He won't know the difference, and the school will support your decision, either way. Additionally, if your child is already in Kindergarten, but she is struggling. Let her repeat Kindergarten next year. Don't send her off to flounder in first grade. This will only cause her undo stress and will damage her self-esteem. You don't want her to learn to hate school at this age! She has her junior high years for that...

Time Flies

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:

One Minute You're Dropping Them off at Kindergarten, the Next Minute, They're Graduating from High School
By, Michelle Harmon

This week my oldest daughter turned 11. 11! I can hardly believe it! Where has the time gone? I can remember being 11; how is it possible that I am old enough to have a daughter who is 11?! Of course, my daughter was super-excited about turning 11. “That means,” she informed me, beaming, “that I will be a teenager in two years!” SCREECH! I could hear my thoughts come to a grinding stop. A teenager! Then, my thoughts started spinning around and around in my head as I remembered how I was as a teenager, what I had done, what I had said to my parents, how I had lied and snuck out and fell in love and... “Mom!” my son's demanding wail brought me back to the present. I got a grip on myself and refilled my son's sippy cup, and looking at him, I remembered how my daughter looked and sounded at his age. I also remembered what my mother had told me when Zoe (my 11 year old) was crawling and I was so excited for her to start walking, she said, “Don't wish time away, you won't believe me now, but I am telling you, one minute you're dropping them off at Kindergarten and the next minute, they're graduating from high school. That's how fast it goes.” At the time, I remember rolling my eyes and not paying to much attention to my mother's sage advice.
Now, I know it to be true. This week my oldest turns 11. Next week, my youngest will turn 2, and I miss the old versions of themselves that I used to hold and rock to sleep. All the nights I stayed awake rocking my baby girl to sleep or crying right along with my son as he wailed with colic, I had prayed for them to grow bigger, so I could get some rest. Now, I realize how important it is to live in the moment, to never wish time would go by faster. It goes by fast enough. Now, sometimes I wish I could hit the brakes and keep my little man 1 for a few more years. But, I can't do that. Time just keeps moving. So, Mamas, don't ever wish your baby was crawling or walking ro talking before his time, enjoy holding him; enjoy every quiet moment; document every smile, every tear. I often hear Moms saying that they can't wait for their kids to be in school, then, maybe they can get things done! True, there is a certain amount of freedom that a Mom gets when her kids are at school all day, but you'll miss the days when they were at home with you. Once they start school, time seems to go even faster as they start to explore the world without you. Be patient, let time pass as it must. I'm telling you this: one minute you're dropping them off at kindergarten, and the next minute, they're graduating from high school.

Breast Vs. Formula

As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus:

Breastfeeding VS. Formula Feeding
By, Michelle Harmon

Soon after a mom-to-be announces her condition, there are generally three questions that emerge: When are you due? Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? And, Are you going to breastfeed? Or for the more bold questioners, You're going to nurse, aren't you? The first question is easy enough to answer. The second question I always found to be a bit rude and extremely unfair. I think most women just hope for a healthy baby. And, if you answer you hope for a boy and you have a girl, are you supposed to act disappointed? You can see why this question irritates me. Anyway, I digress. The question I am interested in for this week's topic is the breastfeeding question.
Having had four children, and nursed only two out of the four, and only one of those two for longer than six months, I can tell you that breastfeeding is wonderful. But, I won't agree with addage that new moms will hear over and over--”breast is best.” Chemically speaking, you can't argue with the fact that nature provides Moms with the perfect food to nourish their young; however, technologically speaking, the baby formula now available is pretty darn close to the “real” thing.
Aside from nutrition, there are other considerations to contemplate before deciding if you will nurse your baby. First, if you must return back to work soon after your baby is born and you decide to breast feed, you will need to figure out how you will extract your milk while at work, store it, if you will breast feed and bottle feed pumped breast milk or you will switch to all bottles filled with milk. Some of the decisions will be made by your baby; some babies are happy to switch from bottle to breast; some are not. If you decide to pump, I urge you to invest in a high-quality electric pump. They are rather pricey, but well worth it, if you plan on exclusively feeding your baby breast milk. The electric pump worked for me, and I was able to feed my son breast milk exclusively. If pumping seems a bit daunting, you can choose to give formula exclusively and you need not worry about pumping or storing milk. With my middle two girls, I had to return rather quickly to work, and this worked for us.
Financial concerns may help you make your decision, as well. Breast milk is free. Formula is very expensive. However, breast pumps are expensive and pumping is time-consuming. You have to decide what is best for you and your family.
Another thing to consider is that, with formula feeding, Daddy has more feeding and bonding opportunities with baby. Which also means, that Dad can do some of the middle of the night feedings!
Conversely, nursing is a very calming, intimate experience that only you can share with your baby. It is truly a wonderful thing. That being said, the best choice is the choice that will make everyone in the family happy, not what your mother-in-law, your coworkers, friends, or complete strangers thinks you should do.
A final word on formula vs. breastfeed, like I said, I am a mother of four, and each time one of my children was born, I made the decision in regards to breastfeeding/formula feeding that I thought best for my family at the time. I loved nursing, but I also loved the freedom of formula feeding and watching my hubby bond with our new baby while feeding her. I am happy for the decision I made each time, and, no I harbor no guilt for not nursing all my babies. And, whatever you decide, never feel like you need to justify your decision to anyone. You're the Mom, after all.