Friday, November 19, 2010
Sleepless in the Harmon Household
My daughter's night waking continues. Every single night for the past few weeks, she has been getting up. Mostly she just gets up, crying and looking anxious, saying that she can't go to sleep. Some nights she talks incoherently about unimportant things. I'm calling the pediatrician this morning.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Night waking
A few years ago, my middle daughter suffered from night terrors. Which, if you don't know, are not the same as nightmares. Nightmares are bad dreams that, sometimes, wake you up. Night terrors, on the other hand, are when a person screams, cries, walks, runs, and so forth while not fully awake, generally feeling scared or even terrified. My daughter used to wake up screaming, talking but making no sense, yelling for me even when I was holding her, and, sometimes, trying to run out of the house. It was frightening. At the time, the doctor told us that he believed she was having night terrors as a result of turmoil in her life. It made sense--her father and I had just divorced, we moved to a new town, she was attending a new school--yes, this was turmoil. The doctor explained that my young daughter was stressed and couldn't deal with all the feelings she was experiencing while awake, so these feelings and stress manifested themselves in the form of night terrors. The doctor indicated that she would probably just grow out of it. She did. After a few months, they simply went away, and she slept fine every night. Now, my same daughter is waking up often at night. She is not having night terrors, thank the Lord. This time, she is getting up, sometimes crying a little bit, sometimes saying she is scared, but mostly just walking around and talking but not making any sense. I cannot think of anything stressful that is occurring in her life or in our family right now. So, I am puzzled. Do some kids just experience sleep-walking and night waking for no real reason?
I Can Do it Myself!
*As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, November 13, 2010:
I Can Do it Myself!
By, Michelle Harmon
If you have a two or three year-old ragamuffin running around your house as I do, chances are you have heard “I can do it myself!” or “I do it!” (my delightful son's exclamation of choice).
Why the sudden determination?
Well, kids at this age are coming into their own, so to speak. Their personalities are becoming more developed, and they are realizing that they do have some power in this big old world surrounding them. So, when your child insists that “she can do it herself,” she's not being defiant. She is simply letting you know that she is not a baby anymore and wants to show you (and herself) that she is not helpless, she's a big girl, now.
If the task at hand is really something you think your child can do, let him. If he wants to pick out his own clothes, let him. So what if he doesn't have a matching outfit? Unless he's going to get his picture taken or he's off to Grandma's, a unmatching outfit isn't going to matter, but he will feel confident in it because he picked it out himself. If he can screw the cap on his sippy cup, let him. These little acts make your child feel important, why not acquiesce?
One thing to keep in mind when letting your little big kid do things himself, is safety. If he says he can give himself a bath, well, obviously that's a safety concern and you can't let him do that. But, you could let him pick out his own pajamas or wash his own belly. And, I'd wait until he was about twelve before I'd let him cook his own mac-n-cheese.
Another consideration is time. If you take your little one to daycare or preschool in the morning, and he has started to want to do things himself, you may want to allow for more time for getting out the door. It takes a toddler much longer to pull on his shirt and shoes and find his book bag than it takes you.
Finally, take heart, Mama. Your little one is growing up and you have to let him start really exploring his world and learning what he can do. Enjoy it. Enjoy watching him put his shoes on the wrong feet or pulling on mismatched socks. Because before you know it, you'll be watching him pulling out of the driveway.
I Can Do it Myself!
By, Michelle Harmon
If you have a two or three year-old ragamuffin running around your house as I do, chances are you have heard “I can do it myself!” or “I do it!” (my delightful son's exclamation of choice).
Why the sudden determination?
Well, kids at this age are coming into their own, so to speak. Their personalities are becoming more developed, and they are realizing that they do have some power in this big old world surrounding them. So, when your child insists that “she can do it herself,” she's not being defiant. She is simply letting you know that she is not a baby anymore and wants to show you (and herself) that she is not helpless, she's a big girl, now.
If the task at hand is really something you think your child can do, let him. If he wants to pick out his own clothes, let him. So what if he doesn't have a matching outfit? Unless he's going to get his picture taken or he's off to Grandma's, a unmatching outfit isn't going to matter, but he will feel confident in it because he picked it out himself. If he can screw the cap on his sippy cup, let him. These little acts make your child feel important, why not acquiesce?
One thing to keep in mind when letting your little big kid do things himself, is safety. If he says he can give himself a bath, well, obviously that's a safety concern and you can't let him do that. But, you could let him pick out his own pajamas or wash his own belly. And, I'd wait until he was about twelve before I'd let him cook his own mac-n-cheese.
Another consideration is time. If you take your little one to daycare or preschool in the morning, and he has started to want to do things himself, you may want to allow for more time for getting out the door. It takes a toddler much longer to pull on his shirt and shoes and find his book bag than it takes you.
Finally, take heart, Mama. Your little one is growing up and you have to let him start really exploring his world and learning what he can do. Enjoy it. Enjoy watching him put his shoes on the wrong feet or pulling on mismatched socks. Because before you know it, you'll be watching him pulling out of the driveway.
More Than it Hurts You
*As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, October 30, 2010:
This is Gonna Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You
By, Michelle Harmon
“This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.” You've heard this expression, right? Probably when you were a kid, and it was most likely followed by a sharp whack to the behind, right? Yes, me and my behind remember this expression all to well. I was thinking of it the other day when my eldest daughter told a lie, and my husband and I were disciplining her.
No, we didn't spank her. Spanking, in my opinion, is outdated, ineffective and more about punishment than about actually learning something. I want my kids to learn from their mistakes, so I discipline them, I don't punish them. That being said, I've been around the block long enough to know that in order for discipline to be effective, it has to hurt. I'm not talking physical pain, but the kind of pain that comes with taking one's lumps, so to speak. The only catch is that this kind of discipline takes an iron will on the part of the parent because it hurts the parent, too.
For example, as aforementioned, my darling daughter told a lie and got caught—again. This has been happening far too often with her lately, and my husband and I were racking our brains trying to figure out an appropriate way to discipline her that would actually work. In thinking about it, we determined that the only way to get through to her was to hit her where it hurts (no, not on her backside!). She's 11. The most important thing to any eleven year old is her friends. So, we told her that from now until we decide otherwise, she is to go to school and come straight home after school. No clubs, no sports, no friend's houses, no friend's over. Now, we have tried this before, but I have always caved after a week or so. Not this time; this time Mama is going the distance. My little darling is going to learn her lesson, by Golly, even if it kills me!
No, I am not looking forward to watching her sulk around the house. This will be difficult. I am even less looking forward to the calls from the school wondering why she hasn't shown up for a club meeting or a sports practice. This will be embarrassing. She will have to explain to her teachers and coaches why she has let them down. This will be tough. She will have to tell her friends why she cannot spend time with them outside of school. This will be tougher. Yes, my kiddo and I have a few tough weeks ahead. But, a Mom's gotta do what a Mom's gotta do.
This is Gonna Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You
By, Michelle Harmon
“This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.” You've heard this expression, right? Probably when you were a kid, and it was most likely followed by a sharp whack to the behind, right? Yes, me and my behind remember this expression all to well. I was thinking of it the other day when my eldest daughter told a lie, and my husband and I were disciplining her.
No, we didn't spank her. Spanking, in my opinion, is outdated, ineffective and more about punishment than about actually learning something. I want my kids to learn from their mistakes, so I discipline them, I don't punish them. That being said, I've been around the block long enough to know that in order for discipline to be effective, it has to hurt. I'm not talking physical pain, but the kind of pain that comes with taking one's lumps, so to speak. The only catch is that this kind of discipline takes an iron will on the part of the parent because it hurts the parent, too.
For example, as aforementioned, my darling daughter told a lie and got caught—again. This has been happening far too often with her lately, and my husband and I were racking our brains trying to figure out an appropriate way to discipline her that would actually work. In thinking about it, we determined that the only way to get through to her was to hit her where it hurts (no, not on her backside!). She's 11. The most important thing to any eleven year old is her friends. So, we told her that from now until we decide otherwise, she is to go to school and come straight home after school. No clubs, no sports, no friend's houses, no friend's over. Now, we have tried this before, but I have always caved after a week or so. Not this time; this time Mama is going the distance. My little darling is going to learn her lesson, by Golly, even if it kills me!
No, I am not looking forward to watching her sulk around the house. This will be difficult. I am even less looking forward to the calls from the school wondering why she hasn't shown up for a club meeting or a sports practice. This will be embarrassing. She will have to explain to her teachers and coaches why she has let them down. This will be tough. She will have to tell her friends why she cannot spend time with them outside of school. This will be tougher. Yes, my kiddo and I have a few tough weeks ahead. But, a Mom's gotta do what a Mom's gotta do.
Numbers
*As published in the LaPorte County Herald-Argus, August 14, 2010:
Stop Focusing on the Numbers
By, Michelle Harmon
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
Stop Focusing on the Numbers
By, Michelle Harmon
I think, as parents, we focus much too much on numbers. That is, we tend to go along with societal denotations of our children by the numbers. Like, first in the class, 3.0 GPA, 990 SAT, 1st place, 2nd place, last place, and the list goes on. Granted some of the aforementioned numbers are pretty important, like GPA and SAT scores, but only if your child is serious about college, some aren't. Why I am mentioning numbers? We need numbers to distinguish between people, particularly winners and losers, right? And these numbers never go away, as an adult, you are still labeled in many ways by numbers. So, what can we do?
First of all, take the numbers for what they are. They are simply numerical representations of divisions among a class, a team or individuals. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, these numerical representations don't mean a whole lot. So, do not make them more meaningful (powerful) than they are. During softball season, I was chatting with another softball Mom. Let me throw a few numbers at you: our daughters were in third grade and nine years old. This mother was going on and on about how she was going to switch coaches for her daughter next year because our team was last in the league. I listened, sort of shocked. Did it really matter if the team was first, last, or tenth? This is a kid's softball team. While it is important for learning fundamental skills, social skills, and self-esteem building, it is certainly not that important how the team is ranked. Is it? Your daughter will not be asked during a job interview or a college interview the rank of her third grade softball team. Trust me. So, don't sweat it.
Another number we parents focus too much on is age. The age of our kids. Moms love to get together and brag about the physical and intellectual accomplishments of their kids at any given age. A mom with an early walker will brag that her Johnny was walking at 9 mos of age. A mom with a precocious three-year-old will brag that Mary already knows how to read. While these things are great, again, they do not really matter that much. All kids will eventually walk and read. The age in which they begin is not that important.
The age factor comes into play again as our children begin to get older, to reach adolescence and teenagedom. At this stage you have to start thinking about curfews and when is the right age for dating and so on. Parents tend to get together and form a consensus about the appropriate numbers in regards to these issues. Generally, the parents of Johnny, Amanda, Lexi, and Joanie will have the same curfew as Phil, Larry, Tommy, and Sam's parents. Same thing with dating ages, most of your child's friends or classmates will be given permission to begin dating at a certain age. You will always have the one or two parents in the neighborhood or in the group who are different, who set later (or earlier) curfews and don't follow the same dating norms. I urge you to be one of these parents. Why do I say this? Because all children are different, they are not simply the number of their ages. Some 16 year olds are mature enough to date, some aren't. Some can handle staying out until 12, some need to be home much earlier. You decide for your own child. Don't focus on the number, focus on your child and what you and he can feel comfortable with.
On a final note, numbers will abound from the time your child begins school, but stop paying so much attention to them. Your child is not just a number, after all.
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